Biological Clock - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes

brutherford · 11-09-2004, 09:43 PM

I don't know if I should hijack your thread, Christina, but it brought up a lot of stuff for me. In addition to my hormones always being screwed up because I've been obese for most of my life, my mom was given a drug while she was pregnant with me that causes all kinds of reproductive birth defects, predominantly in female offspring. The drug, called DES, is responsible for new cancers and continuing birth defects into the second and third generation. Anyway, I've known this my entire life - my teens were spent doing all kinds of tests so they could try and regulate my periods; 19-22 was spent fighting cervical cancer; 22-25 was spent trying to avoid all of the doctors that I'd grown to know and hate during the previous battles; 25-27 I had two miscarriages... I'd always imagined myself as someone who got married and had a ton of children, then discovering that I wasn't going to have that luxury was really hard. Well, at the ripe old age of 27, my favorite Aunt asked me a groundbreaking question - did I want kids because I wanted them, or did I want them because that's what I thought I was supposed to do? No one had ever asked me that question before, and after I thought about it, I realized that I was hung up on the issue because I felt like I'd been denied something, not because my clock was really ticking, ya know?

So, since then, I've been totally secure and at ease with my (our) decision to not have children. Being 327 lbs and not having any periods made the "decision" a moot point, but I was okay. However, just over the past month or so, I've been thinking about it more and more. I'm having regular periods for the first time in my life and it's kind of scary to think that I might have the option if I wanted it. I'm very happy with my life, happy with the freedom and independence that I know my friends with kids don't have... but... well, you know how that voice just nags the back of your mind!

Ultimately, I know that I made the right choice at the right time, and that I will have the option (at least over the next decade or so) to re-evaluate my choice and see where I'm at. It was just a lot easier when there wasn't really an option, ya know?

Christina · 11-10-2004, 09:36 AM

Barbara,

I totally know what you are talking about. Your choice is that, your choice. However, now that you are healthier and happier than ever you do have the option to change your mind and reevaluate your choices.

Stuart and I have talked about having a family from the beginning. We both want children. Not right away but we do want them nonetheless.. That is why I have chosen to not consider having a tummy tuck until after we have finished having kids.

Since the age of about 18 I have had several surgeries due to endometriosis which robbed me of the posibilities of having children for a long time. Then in 2000 I got pregnant with twin girls.. I lost them at 31 weeks due to twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I know intellectually that it had nothing to do with my weight, but I still feel that had something to do with their demise because they were fine for a while. Anyway I had pretty much decided when I lost them that I would never have kids. I didn't even want to consider the posibility. You see I was in a horrible relationship at the time and the father took off to Arizona when I found out I was pregnant. That part was fine with me because he was a lousy good for nothing womanizer so I was better off without him. However, it was hard. Then I found out I was having twins and that scared the crap out of me. I mean I could be a single mother to a single child but two at once?? How would I handle that?? I just figured I would, I mean other people do it right? The pregnancy was horrible and filled with a lot of stress.. a lot more than I bargained for. So in a way I was relieved and I hate to admit it but I was a little relieved when I lost them because that cut the tie with their father. I felt ashamed and sad that I felt that way but those were my feelings. I know it sounds heartless but trust me I was devistated as well. They were still MY Kids. Then I felt since I had the feeling of being relieved that I didn't deserve to ever have kids and maybe by losing them that was Gods way of saying I should not be a Mom. However, my life as you all know has changed dramatically. I now have a man in my life whom will stand by me and be there for me during a pregnancy and my views have changed.. I now think that the demise of my girls was merely God telling me it wasn't my time to be a Mom.. and that I was supposed to wait for 1. Marriage.. and 2. The right Dad for my children.

Therefore I know that I am ready to have kids once I have been at least 1 1/2 years out.. (Per Kelly) and get married and we decide it is time to start trying. I am hopeful that by having surgery I will have the opportunity to bear a child. However, if I am unable to do so, then I will accept that as well. Adoption is such a wonderful option for us if nothing else works..

watergirl · 11-10-2004, 12:49 PM

You are an amazing woman! To carry twins until 31 weeks is a long time and then to loose them, my heart aches for your pain. I totally believe that God had a reason to take your girls from you. It was not in HIS plans for you to have them. I'm so happy to hear that this will not hold you back from your future plans, you have grown as a person because of it. What's that saying? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! You are an amazing woman!

Christina · 11-10-2004, 01:11 PM

I know in my heart that it just wasn't the right time, situation or whatever to have those babies.. And quite honestly if I had never met Stuart again I may still be considering not havng children EVER!! The thing is ever since that day when I lost my girls, I have really truly decided that kids weren't in the cards for me.. I had given up hope of having a family. Stuart changed all that for me... he has already given me a new family.. his family, his Sister, Dad, Brother, and their families.. I love his family dearly. But for a long time I was still undecided. Of course most of it was fear.. fear of the unknown. I knew for sure the one thing I could not handle would be burrying any other children. I know that I am healthier now to carry a child. I am also not in a situation where I have to go through a pregnancy or loss by myself.. together Stuart and I will overcome whatever needs overcoming. Either way not right now, but in the future.. I do see beautiful healthy and very happy children.. our children.. and it feels good to let go of my old fears..

watergirl · 11-10-2004, 01:14 PM

Amen to that Sister!

triciaknox · 11-10-2004, 01:27 PM

Christina,

You go girl! You are so strong, whether you realize it or not. I lost my daughter 22 years ago. She wasn't even 30 weeks along, less than 10, and too small to check the sex, but I have always known that she was my daughter. I was devastated. Several years later I got pregnant again, this time carrying the child to 25 weeks. The pregnancy was very hard, lots of problems which I am sure my weight attributed to. The baby was at least 3 months premature, weighted 3 lbs, 6 oz and was 16 inches long. He is now, well, he will be 19 next month and he is in boot camp at Fort Knox, KY. A better child I could never have asked for.

So, I know how hard it is, but the joys are there too, and you and Stuart will reap them!

Christina · 11-10-2004, 01:39 PM

Thanks guys,

Your wisdom, support, and encouragement are all so very appreciated. I just love you to pieces!!!!!!!!

brutherford · 11-10-2004, 02:29 PM

Thank you so much for posting this thread - it's obviously something that many of us have had on our minds, but haven't vocalized yet.

I don't know what my decision may change to in the future, I just know that I have a lot more options now. Even if I could have had children of my own, Stretton and I have always talked about adoption if the clock ever really started kicking for me. It's for many reasons: both my DES and Stretton's MS can most definitely be passed on to our offspring (I have a hard time imagining going through years of MS with Stretton, I don't think I could live through my child having that disease), and I know full well what it's like to grow up in a horrible home and there's a lot of kids out there that really need a stable and loving family.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I admire your strength, Christina. What I hear in your posts is hope, and tons of it. Congratulations, sweetheart - you've earned every drop.

Blueyz · 11-10-2004, 07:02 PM

Christina,
I know that you will be blessed with children and you will be such a great mom! I can't wait for the day that you post to all of us "I am pregnant". I know that your twins were taken from you for a very good reason and as I have told you before, they are watching their momma and very proud of you.
God works in mysterious ways. My older kids were given to me as a backbone. I don't know what I would've done without them in my previous marriage. They kept me strong and gave me the strength to walk away from a bad marriage and be strong.
Your day of motherhood is just around the corner girlfriend. Love ya bunches!