What would you do??? - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Vim&Vigour · 08-20-2008, 05:02 PM

I am a professional organiser with 7 languages. My agent has been sourcing wonderful assignments for me during the last 14 years.

She came across a really interesting role for me: setting up the administration for a leading art collection (loaned to major US museums) and the investment portfolio of a 78 year old retired Harvard University Professor, based in the premier street in London. After a successful interview in his magnificent and attractive home (I only work at private residences) and suitably "approved" by his delightful wife, I was "hired" for a permanent one day per week.

I arrived yesterday for my first day and quickly got down to setting up a structure and achieving visible results by lunchtime. The Professor, a leader in his field, was delighted with the transformation and became stimulated and encouraged. We had deep conversations about philosophy between tasks and enjoyed a mental ping pong match.

He is Jewish and his faith is visibly important to him. I have worked for several Jews before and have come across men who are more emotional than the norm of the British male. To make small talk, I mentioned that our puppy Pugsy died a week ago and as a matter of expressing his condolences, he took both my hands into both his and paid his respects. This is not unusual for me. Later in the morning, under the enthusiasm of having found someone at last able to help him, he patted/stroked my forearm, which seemed harmless enough – I put him down as a “touchy/feely” kind of person.

With legendary Jewish hospitality, he proffered coffee, water, orange juice, fruit, lunch, dessert, more fruit, cakes to me throughout the day (I am always provided lunch), brought by him, his wife or the maid and sent me home with grapes and strawberries for my journey.

His wife was out on errands and the maid had left for the day. As I was leaving, he showed me around his house and I made genuine noises of admiration. I was invited to use the in-house gym and, if I ever needed to stay in town, the guest suite. By the same token, I was invited to stay at his 5th Avenue New York apartment where staff would look after me. (I had earlier mentioned that I have not been to New York). In his enthusiasm of a newfound compatibility with me, he was keen, stroking my forearm and telling me of his appreciation he kissed me on both cheeks. So far, a bit surprising but acceptable.

This morning, as I was approaching his home, he was on the pavement, allegedly on his way to the bakers. He asked me to walk with him (around the corner) and I obliged. With impeccable manners he asked me to select what pastry I wished to have with my coffee and a slice of cake for later (I had not told him about my RNY!).

More intense philosophical conversations this morning hindered me from advancing in my work – but hey, who is to argue when the “boss” is talking and paying for my time?! He was visibly enjoying the conversation and came across to me as mentally/emotionally starved and catching up. I sort of felt sorry for the guy. He was all along saying how much he was enjoying having me there and our conversations. To support that, he was stroking my forearm or my back, whilst I was typing away, my back turned to him. I felt it was too close for comfort, too frequent and out of place in a professional relationship that had only started the previous day. We spoke about our respective travels, past and intended. When I said I would love to see Petra in Jordan, he replied “now I know what to get you for your birthday”!!! As if!!! He reiterated that I must stay for a week in his 5th Ave flat. I yet again reminded him that I was happily married and have a devoted husband!

His wife was out shopping (again) and he expressed that he has “never felt like this before” in reference to me. A little later I turned to him with a query and a document in my hands. He took my face into both his hands and kissed both my cheeks and my lips at which I clearly pulled away. A bit later still, he said I have beautiful eyes and that he wanted to kiss my eyes and proceeded to lick each of my eyelids. Eeek! Obviously I recoiled, but he was persistent… (78 years old, mind willing and body temporarily strong!). Whilst he was on the ‘phone, I told the maid… she did not seem too surprised…

I left half an hour before the Professor and his wife were going out for the evening. On my way out, his wife was needing to talk about her problems with dieting and I revealed I had had wls. She found a channel of understanding in me and could have gone on talking. Under the circumstances, it was not the appropriate time to discuss the Professor’s behaviour. I needed to reflect on the situation as I am most uncomfortable with it, but need to find an appropriate approach and wording to put an end to this situation which for me is very distressing and a great pity.

He asked me what had been my worst experience in life and I told him being raped. He related his own experience to me. We discussed the philosophy of the survival instinct, guilt and faith. So, he knew perfectly well my vulnerability and exploited it. I, the victim, left myself vulnerable again by not saying no immediately. All the reasons for not doing so are “excuses” in the eyes of some, but I felt a certain compassion for the guy (until this afternoon when it clearly got out of hand when he started hugging me and kissed/licked my eyelids!).

I have decided to telephone him tomorrow and put to him that if I were at all to continue working for him, the physical affection he displays to me is clearly off-limits and that, however “intellectually” compatible we may be, his behaviour is clearly not professionally acceptable. However, I would need his word of honour that he would refrain from any further affectionate demonstrations – but could I ever trust him?

Thankfully I am in a position that I do not “need” this job, I can easily take it or leave it. My instinct is to leave before potential and likely complications. Do not expose yourself to “danger” or a compromising situation. My husband and I are indeed uncomfortable about the whole scenario. A real shame because the job is interesting, the wife charming, the environment delightful and the man himself intellectually highly stimulating, interesting and indeed a good teacher.

What would you do – should I give him another chance or not even bother?

Thank you for reading me out!
Vim

porkchop · 08-20-2008, 05:15 PM

My My that is a decision you and your husband must make. Just want to let you know that my mother was 33 and my father was 78 when I was born. So I would be cautious if I were you. I can't say he would force himself on you but why put yourself in that position. He should know the things he is doing now are not proper.

Godsblessedme · 08-20-2008, 05:20 PM

o my dear Vim, whilst his show of affections are uncomfortable and very inappropriate as you stated with the phone conversation i would give him that last chance. even though he is very highly intellegent he lacks common sense as most highly intellectual men do so when you see him in person i would re itterate what you said to him on the phone. the job sounds very interesting i must say

Vim&Vigour · 08-20-2008, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by porkchop

My My that is a decision you and your husband must make. Just want to let you know that my mother was 33 and my father was 78 when I was born. So I would be cautious if I were you. I can't say he would force himself on you but why put yourself in that position. He should know the things he is doing now are not proper.

Thank you PC!
I'm glad you involved my husband in the decision making! I agree completely with the "why put yourself i that position" but am torn between that option and the one of giving him a chance on the lines of Deborah.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Godsblessedme

o my dear Vim, whilst his show of affections are uncomfortable and very inappropriate as you stated with the phone conversation i would give him that last chance. even though he is very highly intellegent he lacks common sense as most highly intellectual men do so when you see him in person i would re itterate what you said to him on the phone. the job sounds very interesting i must say

Yes, I am usually very fortunate - I have experienced tragedies and tremendous highs alike! I will see how the telephone call will go tomorrow morning! Valid point to reiterate - should I be given the chance to go back, from his viewpoint!

Cheers,
Vim

Squishy · 08-20-2008, 05:44 PM

Obviously nobody can tell you what to do, but in my humble opinion there were enough warning flags here to convince me to run, not walk from this situation. He's willing to cheat on his wife, he is trying to exploit your vulnerabilities, he is trying to "buy" you with offers of trips. None of those flags indicate any real respect for you as a person or for women in general.

Intellectually stimulating or not, he sounds like a lecher and not worthy of your talents or companionship.

Again, this is just my opinion, but if you decide to continue working for him, be careful. I have a bad feeling about this.

-Mike-

Vim&Vigour · 08-20-2008, 05:51 PM

Mike,
Thank you for putting to concisely and elegantly - indeed, I see a minefield of Red Flags, waving "loud and clear".
The more I think about it, the more I am resigning. I like what you wrote re respect. You have got it in one. Thank you for kind comments! I feel emboldened for that call in the morning!
Relieved Vim!

fisher1000 · 08-20-2008, 06:11 PM

Get out now. 78 or 28, a job like this cannot be satisfying with someone that creepy. Why waste your time?

I enjoyed the way you wrote it out though...sounds like the beginning of a juicy novel...perhaps that could be a new vocation?

-Mike

Vim&Vigour · 08-20-2008, 06:20 PM

Thanks Mike!
Am definitely getting out!

It's the old "rape victim syndrome" of "am I overreacting and panicking or is this a case for genuine concern". In the victim's thinking, one feels at fault for this situation arising in the first place, let alone for "encouraging" it!

Talk about your transformation was/is! Mind is following close behind in your unpeeling of the onion layers of self-discovery (and your sternum!).
Thank you my friend,
Cheers,
Vim

mistymee · 08-20-2008, 06:25 PM

I'm with the Mikes on this one, Vim.. RUN, don't walk from this situation.. it is Creepy with a capital C.

Too bad, as overall it sounds like a really interesting thing.. but seriously... you are NOT at all over-reacting in the least..

Reading that, I was thinking you were more Under-reacting.. but as someone whose also a 'survivor'.. I do understand that behavior.

You have too much to offer to put up with that kind of thing, so I'm glad you're going to put an end to it. Best wishes, Vim.

Vim&Vigour · 08-20-2008, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mistymee

I'm with the Mikes on this one, Vim.. RUN, don't walk from this situation.. it is Creepy with a capital C.

Too bad, as overall it sounds like a really interesting thing.. but seriously... you are NOT at all over-reacting in the least..

Reading that, I was thinking you were more Under-reacting.. but as someone whose also a 'survivor'.. I do understand that behavior.

You have too much to offer to put up with that kind of thing, so I'm glad you're going to put an end to it. Best wishes, Vim.

Thank you Kel! Crrrrreeeeppppyyyyy!

Very interesting the conflict between instinct, "good manners", safety, keeping a cool head, and "intelligence" - Thankfully I have my loyal TTF to the rescue (the only intelligence was to come on here with this query in response to my instinct!!!).

I can't wait to call him tomorrow! - Bedtime now though 1:30 am!
Cheers,
Vim