A marriage question? - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

Jodi · 10-27-2009, 05:07 AM

I am 44 years old and have known my husband for 31 years (we actually went to high school together) and have been married for 20 years. We have the best marriage and I cannot say enough nice things about him. My husband married me heavy (I have been overweight my entire life). So, he married me for me, weight was not an issue although, I am sure he would have rather me be thin and healthy. We have 4 daughters and life has been great.

I will have gastric bypass surgery at the end of January (he supoorts me 100%) and I know that there will be a lot of changes. Has anyone seen changes in their marriages? I am looking forward to doing things with my husband that I would normally say no to like skiing, taking dance lessons or going to a tropical island and wear a bathingsuit.

Our kids are older and I feel that this is our time. I do not want life to pass me by and not do everthing I want to do. Our lives are not a rehearsal, you get one shot.

Delane · 10-27-2009, 06:29 AM

For me I have seen very positve changes, me and my husband have always had a great marriage also, However I was thin when we married, and I gain weight over the years and could never take it back off. He never really said to much about it, he loved me anyway. But I can tell you that since I have had the surgery I feel like a younger prouder version of the old me. I can also see that he is liking it more. Plus my kids and my family have definitely changed around me as well, but it has all been for the better. I think because now they feel that Im healtier to be more active.

The best thing I can tell you is to keep up with the program and to exercise, Also Keep your husband included in all aspects of you journey. This has been hugh for me. My husband has went to every meeting and to all my doc apointments, he says he feels like this is about him to, and to tell you the truth it is, because as partners everything you do in a marriage effects you both. Good luck and I wish you all the best in you journey. Oh and welcome to TT. Keep us posted.

Kcnolan21 · 10-27-2009, 06:59 AM

I believe if you have a good marriage before surgery it will be even better after surgery....and ....if you had a bad marriage before surgery, it will get much worse after surgery!

jennuwine23 · 10-27-2009, 07:08 AM

I agree with Delane...keep your husband in the loop and along for the ride. That way he can have a better understanding what you are going thru emotionally. Plus he will then be a huge support after. My husband stocks my vits in my pill carrier every Sunday, checks my chart when he gets home to see how many shakes I have had. I think for him it gives him a “guy” job since he can’t really know exactly what I am going thru when I break down because I can’t find anything to eat when we go out.
I have been with my husband since I was 15 so I guess easy to say thru thick and thin. At 15 I had no weight issues at all wasn’t until I had my first son and I just gained a huge amount and couldn’t lose it. He never said anything about it and always supported my diets.

Quote:

feel like a younger prouder version of the old me

So true and I love the feeling

mistymee · 10-27-2009, 07:30 AM

My hubby and I have been together for six and a half years. We met and started dating when I was 250 lbs and over the next 5 years I "dieted" myself up to 317 lbs and I was 317 when the man proposed to me to marry him. He never said anything to complain about my weight, though he did express concern for my health. We finally married last Oct 10 months after my surgery and the weight loss has only been a positive in our relationship.

EVERYTHING is better now, as a woman and as couple.. It's only been a positive change for us.

kajn · 10-27-2009, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kcnolan21

I believe if you have a good marriage before surgery it will be even better after surgery....and ....if you had a bad marriage before surgery, it will get much worse after surgery!

In complete agreement. My husband and I have always had a great marriage, and now that I'm feeling better about myself, we even happier than before. I'm more comfortable with myself and that makes him so much happier. It has a lot to do with your relationship before surgery.

Highlandlass · 10-27-2009, 10:51 AM

I was 19 and 120 lbs when I married my hubby 39 years ago and he has been patient and understanding with me through 4 pregnancies from which I gained a lot of the weight, through weight watchers, through gall bladder surgery, through a mini stroke and now through this WLS too. At times I would have left myself (lol) because I was sick, lazy, depressed and miserable - very hard to live with. As I am getting healthier and feel more like walking and enjoying life my husband is being surprised daily - which is a good thing. A little bit of surprise is a good thing. There are still times when we struggle with things - he is retired now so we are together 24/7 - but now that I can get up and out more we seem to be finding a happier time in our lives together. This surgery has been a gift to me which has only made my life better and that makes my married life better too.

Ashley · 10-27-2009, 11:49 AM

Man, not to be Debbie Downer, but my marriage completely fell apart after surgery. I blame myself for much of it--losing so much weight kind of gave me an identity crisis, and that led to him finding out new things about himself, and in the end, we had both become different people.

Bama · 10-27-2009, 12:59 PM

I agree with Ashley. WLS takes your through a idenity crisis no matter how old you are or how long your married. You are learning to be a different person and so your spouse is learning to be married to a different person. Just take them with you on your journey and don't leave them in the dark.

Also, remember you are the one who had life altering surgery- not your spouse. So, don't expect them to see life as you do. Your body, mind, soul, and spirit will be changing rapidly. There's will not. Just remember that and you should be fine. They will eventually catch up, but not at your pace.

BTW- I would encourage you to seriously work through any issues you have now. (We all have issues.) Get counseling, therapy, a exorcist, etc....Your WLS surgery will not fix those problems. Deal with them now, while you have time, and your recovery and journey will be more enjoyable.

jennuwine23 · 10-27-2009, 01:04 PM

Ashley and Bama great advice i am not that far post op (4 months about) so i never thought about having an identy crisis later on...