A marriage question? - Page 2 - ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum

kovy · 10-27-2009, 02:19 PM

i often wonder about this myself. i have always said that if my husband and i were going to break up, it would have already happened...we've literally been through hell and back together. but, i really don't know what I will be like after weight loss. i don't even really know who i am in there!

what i do know is that my husband loves me for me, and that i love him. we're each others' best friend, and i feel confident that my upcoming identity crisis...or possibly over-confidence crisis (LOL)...we'll be able to make it through together.

...and then i PRAY TO GOD i don't have to learn i'm wrong the hard way! LMAO

Corrine · 10-27-2009, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bama

I agree with Ashley. WLS takes your through a idenity crisis no matter how old you are or how long your married. You are learning to be a different person and so your spouse is learning to be married to a different person. Just take them with you on your journey and don't leave them in the dark.

Also, remember you are the one who had life altering surgery- not your spouse. So, don't expect them to see life as you do. Your body, mind, soul, and spirit will be changing rapidly. There's will not. Just remember that and you should be fine. They will eventually catch up, but not at your pace.

BTW- I would encourage you to seriously work through any issues you have now. (We all have issues.) Get counseling, therapy, a exorcist, etc....Your WLS surgery will not fix those problems. Deal with them now, while you have time, and your recovery and journey will be more enjoyable.

Couldn't agree more with you my friend - that's sage advice.

One thing I would suggest is that our partners, family and friends do not need to hear nothing but WLS 24/7.

They like (and need) to be involved and they'll enjoy sharing in your journey but take it from someone who's been there - as tempting as it is - don't talk about WLS and all things related all the time. That's the quickest way of making someone totally switch off.

ardita · 10-28-2009, 07:31 AM

To piggyback on Corinne, that is why TT has been so important to me. I can be in this place I need to be-so focused on my WLS process-without overdoing it with my family who doesn't need to be dragged through the mental minutiae. I probably don't share enough but they get enough; yesterday I finally found a few mins to go through boxes in my attic to find old, smaller clothes-ended up going from 16s to 12s (woo hoo!) and hubby definitely noticed the new fit when he saw me later. My son was doing cat calls (he's 14-can be a bit silly). That's all I need from them-to know my hard work shows-and having their support rather than sabotage.

Some marriages do crack but the fact that you are asking the questions now show you are sensitive to what might come down the road and awareness is always a big part of heading off issues. As Bama suggested, find some help to deal with whatever got you here in the first place-like we all should-because none of us were overweight because our bodies simply wanted us to take in mass quantities of food.

Puddin · 10-28-2009, 10:00 AM

I have only positive things to say regarding my marriage and WLS. It's been a godsend. We're happier than we've been in a long time. I think part of it has to do with me and my self-esteem and as superficial as this sounds part of it has to do with how I look. I never realized how unattractive I'd become to my husband until one day he told me how he felt about me allowing myself to get so fat. Granted, he loves me for me, but a good marriage needs intimacy too and when I was 270 lbs we didn't have that much of it. Now, at 168, even with the yucky skin, that's changed. I think with physical intimacy, you get a lot more emotional intimacy. Also, I allowed my husband to share my experience. I talked to him about how I felt about losing weight, the struggles I've gone through, my fears, EVERYTHING. It's made us a lot closer. He has been my biggest cheerleader and my biggest critic all at the same time and I would not trade him in for anything...even if he's starting to gain some of the weight I've lost.

All in all, I think a strong marriage before surgery will be a strong marriage after.

eyesthatkissu · 10-30-2009, 09:29 AM

Marriages will always have a few bumps along the way. I think the differences post-op come from how we deal with them. I know that is what changed for me. The self-confidence I gained made me much stronger and much less willing to accept anything less than 100%. My poor husband had to completely change how he dealt with the bumps too. I had suddenly changed all the rules on him. We teach people how to treat us. All those years pre-op I had taught him a certain way to treat me. Then I changed all the rules. What used to be okay, suddenly wasn't. We grow so much post-op and all growth comes with pain.

You must have pacience. You must understand that you will be different. And that people will see you differently, especially your spouse. If your marriage is strong before surgery you have a leg up, but do not expect everything to be all roses and butterflies at first. But when the dust settles, if your marriage has love, trust, pacience and understanding you most likely come out stronger on the other side.

My husband and I will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in January.

Aviator · 11-01-2009, 09:23 PM

Bones and I have done this together.

She has lost 75 lbs on Quick Weight Loss and is at goal. Now a size 6 petite.

I've lost 82 and have another 25 to go, but the end is in sight.

Definitely the weight losses have improved everything for us. I mean there is no longer a 157 lb person between us.

SweetP · 11-01-2009, 10:40 PM

I feel very fortunate for my husband. He is my best friend and we've been together for over 9 years. When we met we were both about 100 lbs. lighter than we were at our heaviest. I've aways liked big guys and he's always loved big women. But we both decided that we needed to do something to make us healthier and so we decided to do this together. He had his surgery on 10/28 and I have mine on 11/17. I can say that I could never have done this without him and he says the same thing about me. We are there for each other when one of us wants to eat something bad, the other reminds why we are doing this. When one doesn't want to work out, the other is right there reminding that we should. I can't imagine doing this without him and we're looking forward to our new life together.

Crie · 11-02-2009, 10:46 AM

i'll be one to say that my marriage didn't last.. i'm currently working on a divorce.

I don't think that i've gone through an identity crises..but more of an "awakening" to my situation and surroundings. Realizing that i'm worth more than i used to give myself credit for.

Sherry_Lynn · 11-03-2009, 10:46 PM

I met my Husband in May 1997 weighing around 160 pounds, We got married in September 1998, I weighed around 170. He has watched me gain and saw how helpless I felt to stop it. He supported me in all of my efforts to lose, and never said anything about my failures. The last year or so He began expressing his fear for my health. I had been diagnosed with high BP, diabetes, and my cholesterol started to climb. I can honestly say my weight did not affect my good self esteem, what it did affect was my ability to walk any distance, fit into airplane seats and seats of any kind easily, my endurance, and general well being. We were older when we met, knew exactly what we wanted out of life, were secure in our careers, we have no children, and are fairly comfortable financially. I think there are so many stresses people have that we have been blessed not to have. We have a deep love and respect for each other. My losing the 106 pounds have given us the opportunity to do so many things we used to do............long walks with our puppies, concerts, and looking forward to vacations soon. He has also been there for every moment of my journey. I Thank God everyday for blessing me with Him. I just think this is such a serious, life changing event, that if your marriage isn't rock solid to begin with, it will be very difficult.

Aviator · 11-04-2009, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eyesthatkissu

Marriages will always have a few bumps along the way. I think the differences post-op come from how we deal with them. I know that is what changed for me. The self-confidence I gained made me much stronger and much less willing to accept anything less than 100%. My poor husband had to completely change how he dealt with the bumps too. I had suddenly changed all the rules on him. We teach people how to treat us. All those years pre-op I had taught him a certain way to treat me. Then I changed all the rules. What used to be okay, suddenly wasn't. We grow so much post-op and all growth comes with pain.

You must have pacience. You must understand that you will be different. And that people will see you differently, especially your spouse. If your marriage is strong before surgery you have a leg up, but do not expect everything to be all roses and butterflies at first. But when the dust settles, if your marriage has love, trust, pacience and understanding you most likely come out stronger on the other side.

My husband and I will celebrate our 20th Anniversary in January.

Not sure how I missed you....

2200+ posts and for many months you've been here.. I dunno how I haven't run across you before tonight. I guess the forum is bigger than I think. Um, pleased to meet you. Im Av.

Our 20th is Jan 1

BTW - well said.