Could use your input - ThinnerTimes

nextbigloser · 12-21-2007, 05:27 AM

I debated if I should post this because I don't like to air my dirty laundry but I could use a friend right now.

I have posted in the past that me and my DH had some troubles in the past. I thought that we had got past them and were on the right track but now I am doubting myself.

He works on the road during the week and home on weekends which can be hard on a marriage but we have managed. We separated last year and reconciled, had marriage counseling. When he moved back we had separate checking accounts. He told me that my responsibility was the rent payment and he would pay utilities. I argued that it wasn't fair but it never changed. We bought a new van a few months ago and guess who has to make the payments, me. I was upset last night explaining that I don't have enough money to pay for the rent, van, and student loans with this pay check and I have 3 kids that I have not even started xmas shopping for. He said they were my kids and if I wanted to buy gifts for them I had to come up with the money.

I asked him to help out with the other bills then and he said I am tired of bailing you out. I was like what you live hear too. Then he said if I wasn't spending so much money at the doctors I would have money to pay for other things and then he said it "I don't even want you to have the surgery." There it is. He was the one who told me to check into it. Thats all he has talked about. How good I will look and how much better I will feel.

After he said everything I think he felt bad. I won't swear to it but he then wanted to sit down and figure out the bills so that he could help. He was trying to rub my back and be nice but I was so upset all I could say was don't touch me.

Tonight we leave for his parents house for xmas. I have to go down there and put on a happy face and get through the holidays for the kids. I guess I am just looking for some advice. I don't know what to do anymore.

Mavisavis · 12-21-2007, 05:35 AM

I don't have any magical advice, money and relationship issues can be tricky for sure. Only you will know what you can accept and what you want and need from a relationship. We'll be here to lend an ear.....I hope things work out for you. Keep us updated.

Try and enjoy your holiday any old how.

nextbigloser · 12-21-2007, 05:39 AM

Thanks Marty. I think just typing out everything made me fill a little better. My way of venting I guess. I did put a limit on gifts this year. I told the kids 3 each and then what santa brings. I tend to get a little crazy buying for them. It just makes me feel so good giving to others and it only comes around once a year.

racha9 · 12-21-2007, 10:13 AM

Like Marty said, only you know what you can tolerate and what you need from your relationship. So you need to do some self searching and find what you want and need.

I will tell you though that if he continues to treat you in a way that is unacceptable to you after surgery, you will have a bigger problem with it. You will have so much more confidence and realize that your deserve more. I really didn't think I would feel that way post op; I thought I was still confident enough pre-op, but I was not. So just prepare yourself.

I also want to add that separate money, IMO is not a good idea. The money is for joint things, so it should be in a joint account. But that is just my thought on the matter, and I realize that not everyone sees it that way.

kellyMASS · 12-21-2007, 10:35 AM

It sounds to me like he is just using the doctors as an excuse to not pay his fair share.

Kelly

Jeanie · 12-21-2007, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racha9

Like Marty said, only you know what you can tolerate and what you need from your relationship. So you need to do some self searching and find what you want and need.

I will tell you though that if he continues to treat you in a way that is unacceptable to you after surgery, you will have a bigger problem with it. You will have so much more confidence and realize that your deserve more. I really didn't think I would feel that way post op; I thought I was still confident enough pre-op, but I was not. So just prepare yourself.

I also want to add that separate money, IMO is not a good idea. The money is for joint things, so it should be in a joint account. But that is just my thought on the matter, and I realize that not everyone sees it that way.

I agree with this. If you are both using the house, the car, the electric, cable etc it should come out of a shared account. This is not to say you both can't still have your own savings. Let me tell you if this was happening to me you wouldn't believe the electric that I would use in 1 month, but I'm kind of a bitch like that.

You deserve to be happy and treated well. Maybe he is just scared about the whole thing and doesn't really want to tell you because he is the one that suggested WLS in the first place. Good luck to you both. I hope that you are able to work it all out, and you can both be happy!

katzz87 · 12-21-2007, 04:36 PM

was sitting here typing, then deleting my reply. So I'll keep it short and not rant: Only you know what you're willing to put up with, I for one think that him deciding on which bills he CHOOSES to be responsible for and commenting that they are YOUR kids...would be something I would not be willing to accept in my relationship.

flyerzfan17 · 12-21-2007, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeanie

Maybe he is just scared about the whole thing and doesn't really want to tell you because he is the one that suggested WLS in the first place.

This is exactly what I thought when I first read your post. Hang in there, hon. Hopefully, it'll get better. Just get through the holidays and then it's your turn to join us on the bench.
BTW, my husband and I have seperate accounts as well and have a similar arrangement. The difference is I pay all the utilities and he pays the mortgage. I do get off easier on the wallet. But he does tend to give me money or pay a bill when I need it. We are total opposites, he's a saver, I'm a spender, so we compliment each other.

Claire-in-Texas · 12-22-2007, 02:12 PM

I would never criticize anyone for separate accounts. I don't see that as the problem here (but maybe I'm wrong).

There is a negotiation regquired, a conversation, an understanding. If separate acocunts work for you in some ways, then make those ways work by re-neogiating what doesn't work.

Same way about wls. I feel that you should sit down with your husband and listen to what he has to say. He may need re-assurance, and it is coming out in the money issue.

Communication....

In my marriage, I'm the spender, DH is the saver. Do we have separate accounts? No. We manage our money together, and I sometimes get a slap on the wrist (but he is usually right). Whatever works....

txchick1971 · 12-22-2007, 06:20 PM

i was married for 10yrs to a loser whom i took care of his kids, laundry, shopping, all the bills and full time job while he raced all our money away in a stupid race car. I finally realized that marriage should not be a full time job...i've been happily single for 4 years now and i love the freedom, money, and my own decisions.....i can't give anyone else advice but i know that i will never be with a man that treats me the way my ex did....NEVER