The damage I've done

I have been in a state of deep depression the last few days. Crying my self into a gasping stupor and living with my head in a paper bag.



On January 5, 1991 (two days before the Iraq war fully broke out) I gave birth to a 17in 5lb 2oz baby girl. She was still borne and I crashed 'coz I had no idea how I was going to tell hubby that I killed our baby when he was walking in oil fires. Needless to say the docs fought tooth and nail and my little peanut will be turning 18 in a few months.



I always thought she was a fighter and secure in who she was and where she came from. But, the other day I found out just the amount of damage I have done to this angel.



We were out walking and we were talking about colleges. Lil peanut is in a tech. high school, on honor roll, AND top in her diesel mechanics class. It's so flippin cute that at 4'10 100lbs she can stand up in the engine. Anyway, she is seeing a wonderful young man. Even hubby likes him and daddy's don't like anyone for their little girls. But, she drops on me that she is thinking of breaking up with the boy and dropping mechanics. I was shocked and asked why. That's when she dropped the "he's so wonderful and treats me like a queen and I just don't deserve it." Then she tells me that girls can't fix cars and be taken seriously.



This self doubt and loathing, giving up, and quitting she has learned from me. I spent so many years locked in my house because I felt like I didn't deserve to go out. Imagining a bad marriage because I didn't think that I deserved the wonderful man I have.



My self esteem was so bad and my thinking so back wards that I used to ask DammitSammit to beat the hell out of me rather than be disappointed at me. He never would he would just hold me at those times and love me more.



But, my little baby. The damage I have done to her I am not sure if it can be reversed. I have been living with my head in the sand and painting things beautiful colors so I did not have to face myself. Well, now it's time for those colors to be washed away.



I am finding that more than weight WLS is about self discovery. DammitSammit said to me last night that I am an amazing woman with a heart bigger than the universe and that I am stronger than anyone in the world. That's when I got the look you know the one that you get when someone is telling you you are a good person but, you don't believe it. It's so much easier to believe the bad than the good.



Peanut and I are working on getting our minds to the right place and the best exercise we can do is this. Validate ourselves every day. Every day we have to find one thing that's good about us. We say this to each other and look ourselves in the mirror and repeat it. I know it's corny but, it's really hard to lie to yourself.



Take a moment today to validate yourself. You are worth it.