Thoughts from the obnoxious wonder

Wowzers my very own blog at my new home. By the way who took my grapes? I had my name on em.

Where o where to start.....Hi I'm Charlie and I'm a food addict and emotional wreck.

As some know by now I am an idiot. I know this, welcome it, and embrace it.

I have been battling weight for 20 years now. Thank goodness I have an amazingly wonderful hubby that loved me at 4'10 80lbs and still desires me at 5' 230 though he does not know that weight. I just found out myself a few weeks ago.

For all of these years I have been lying to myself. I don't eat that much, I exercise, it's the meds I'm on, I gained weight from an accident, etc. Of course these all have a tiny quarter ounce of truth. When I went to the doc. for help when I was only 20 lbs over weight his exact words to me were "put the bon bons down, turn off Oprah, and exercise little missy". I don't eat bon bons or watch Oprah. At that time I was chasing after a 1 year old hellion, hubby was deployed, I was living in a hole called Goose Creek South Carolina, thousands of miles from family and home.

The depression hit like a 2 by 4 upside my head. I thought the doc. was right. I changed my diet to celery and water and used the lovely birthday present my mother in law gave me "Richard Simmons Sweatin to the Oldies" (we won't even go there). Within 2 weeks of doing this I developed migraines so back to the doc. I went. He informed me that I was getting head aches from sugar. What flippin sugar? I wasn't eating. This started the "shut down". Any time I do eat my body holds everything because it does not know when it will get fed again.

I switched to a new doc. and she held my hand and said "it's ok we can fix it". Her answer a no fat diet. For the first month I could have all the raw fruits and veggies I wanted. Hey, I get to eat that's for me. Month one seemed to fly by and I lost 20 lbs. I was so proud of myself. But, on day 35 somehow I gained 5 lbs. The doc. clucked her tongue at me and said I would have to try harder. My eating hadn't changed, my inches hadn't changed anywhere, all I knew is that my muscles felt really heavy. By day 40 when I put on 6 more lbs. I threw my hands up in the air and said "If I'm going to gain weight I'm going to enjoy it while I do it". Hardies here I come.

My next visit to the doc. about weight concerns was about 10 years after and again I get told to put down the bon bons and move. But, this one threw a bottle of Prozac at me. I hope that Dr. Farring is roasting in hell somewhere. His thoughts were "cattle (all fat people are cattle) are stupid. They need to be medicated and herded so the rest of us can live."

Needless to say a deep loathing of doctors developed and I stayed away from them at all costs. Cut my finger open? I stitched it myself. Neosporin and band aids can fix anything. Plus, everything in their eyes was because of my weight. Missing a cycle, because I'm fat. Not stopping a cycle for 9 months because I'm fat. Knees, hips, back, feet, shoulders hurt because I'm fat. I mean really is my hair red and my eyes green because I'm fat too? Is that all I am is just fat that needs to be locked away? Am I supposed to be ashamed and hide for my life? Am I do idolize Quasimodo and the Phantom? Not only do I say no but, HELL NO.

So, the battle and the finance plan starts because you know NOTHING diet or healthy is affordable. WW...what a joke. Measuring, weighing, counting, I started sleep eating on WW. Yes, the ice cream with dish detergent topping.

The grapefruit diet, the pop corn diet, no bread, you name it I did it. Atkins? Yep, did Atkins too and could not concentrate to save my life. Found out that it cut to many of the vit. K that my body needs so I always felt like I had been hit by a mac truck but, the instant I ate a normal meal I felt better.

The one decision in my life that I am ashamed of is the one that I did after the failure of Atkins, South Beach, and the death of my mother. Yes, I believed those "obesity is not your fault" words. I ordered that one that was so expensive because it really worked. And it did. 2 days after I started it I had to buy new pants, of course this boosted my ego and I got out more. The pills were so loaded with caffeine I was bouncing off the walls. But, when my first bottle was just about done I ordered bottle 2 because I had gone from a size 20 to a 16 in less than 30 days. I felt great and was so proud. I was dreaming of when hubby came home from Iraq and found his skinny baby waiting for him. 3 days into bottle 2 and my new pants didn't fit again. Not being to big but, I couldn't get them buttoned. 1 week later I couldn't even get them over my butt. Oh hi miss "I'm the most worthless, lazy, don't deserve to breath".

In May hubby and I went on a cruise. Our first ever vacation. The honeymoon we never had. My in laws came to look after the girls for us. Seeing my mother in law is what started my thinking to change. She is 5'2 and at least 350. She can't walk 20 feet without stopping to catch her breath, on O2, and had to fly with a play mate cooler of meds. As she gets older she's getting mean and I know it's because her quality of life is so horrible. I don't want to be that way. I looked at a pic. from the cruise and she's me in 20 years.

That's when the hammer hit me between the eyes. WLS. I had always dismissed it as being the easy out (yes I was that stupid). But, if it could help save my life it's time to check it out. So, here I am researching until I'm cross eyed and have learned so much. Not to mention heard all of the words I had been told over the years that I refused to listen to "high cholesterol, HBP, etc."

It's time to change my life and I know that not only am I strong enough to do this I am worth it. Though it might trip me along the way I will not let it keep me down.