Where I am now

Haven't updated in two months, which is a bummer. Though my weight hasn't changed much in that time, I have still been through a lot.

I worked like a maniac my last two weeks at my state job; staying late every night and nearly dropping with exhaustion. But I managed to finish up a lot of what I wanted to do, and think I left a good impression. It was very difficult emotionally to say good-bye. People were very nice for the most part, though there were quite a few guilt trips. I was thrown a party, taken out for meals, etc.

Then I started my new job and my life was thrown from one chaotic situation into another. The job is pretty dang awesome, I have to say. I'm enjoying it much more than I was bracing myself for. But, I now drive two hours each way to work, and have not had time to keep my food diary since the day I started this job. Just as I feared, without having that monitor, my eating went out of control for awhile. My days are much longer now, and more active. This meant that my appetite leapt up a few levels. I haven't been hungry like this for well over a year. My weight had been down to 161, but then jumped back up to 163, with some days going as high as 168 (during my period). Misery!

However, this week I wrestled back control again and WOW, does my pouch ever still work! This morning I was already back down to 161! I think I just needed to find a reliable routine again. My body was so used to its routine at my old job, that when I shook my schedule up (and started waking up 3 hours earlier while still going to bed at the same time) I didn't know when to eat anymore. Plus, there was also the factor that I secretly think that I wanted to stop losing for a bit, or at least slow down. I've been getting that haggard post-gastric bypass look -- sunken face, boney chest, etc. So I wanted to see how I felt staying at this weight for a bit. Mostly, I've found out that I still want to lose 15 pounds. LOL! I would love to be solidly a size 6-8, instead of 8-10-12. It was really disheartening to try on a pair of Liz Claiborne size 10 pants and have them be just a tad too tight. This showed me that I was relying on USA vanity sizing too much, and perhaps was not even a "real" size 10. I shook off that depression, though, and used it to motivate me. I recently purchased several things in size 8 that fit me perfectly, and that feels great, even if it IS vanity sizing. As thin as I am, it mostly just makes me a bit angry to think that I have a negative connotation to my clothing size that society has taught me. Only women who are size 2 are beautiful, right? NOT! I don't even want to imagine how emaciated I'd make myself to ever fit a size 2 anything. Ugh!

One positive thing that my recent eating has taught me is that I can fit in very well in the "real world" of eating. I've met many new people recently and shared several meals out...and have had very few problems. It felt good to think that I have the chance to face the rest of my life and not fear food. Well, not too much fear. I still worry, I admit, but I'm just a natural worrier.

Last week, I had my one year check up with my bariatric doctor and nutritionist. What an amazing experience! They were blown away by my success and often seemed almost at a loss for words. It was strange, an ego rush, a bit embarassing since this was in the midst of me reigning my out-of-control eating back in. I mean, I know I've done well since surgery, but you would have thought from their reactions that they'd never seen one of their patients do so well ever before. I think that experience is what really motivated me to get back under control -- the fear of having my two year appointment and have gained weight and have to face their disappointment. That, combined with my own disappointment in myself (I swore from the beginning that I would never be out of control ever again - doh!) really made me feel good about my resolve again. My blood test results were all excellent, though my Iron and B-1 vitamin levels were actually too high. I have to get the Iron retested and cut back on taking B-1. The thought of being deficient in anything scares me half to death -- deficiencies have terrifying consequences -- so it feels weird to take fewer vitamins...but I'm sure the doctor knows best. My levels (other than Iron) don't get tested again for a full year, so I hope things continue to go this well... I've heard that things can change rapidly. Perhaps I will ask my PCP to do tests again in 6 months instead of waiting for the Bariatric Dept tests next year. I also found out that Trader Joe's Calcium Citrate is not good to take. It doesn't have enough Vitamin D (though my D levels are currently fine) so I have to go back to buying expensive Caltrate. Doc said Walmart brand was good, too, but Walmart was out when I ventured in there last week.

The TT Cruise is in exactly one month. SOOOOO excited!! I recently purchased a bunch of clothes (sizes 8, 10, and medium) so I should have nice things to wear out there. There are still a few things I need, though I've already spent more $$ than I meant to, but I'm almost afraid to try to kyack and snorkel in my too-big bathing suit, and I need a few pairs of summer weight pants. I'll probably wear dresses around the ship, but I also have two very active days of shore excursions planned. Woo hoo! Life is GOOD.