This woman's body

Had some mildly disturbing thoughts today. Nothing horrible -- just some food for thought.

The news today was filled with the story of a brave local 17 year old girl who testified against her rapist and got him put away for over 300 years. This is good, sad but awesome, but it brought back some thoughts and feelings I had several days ago. I was walking alone very late at night/early morning in a deserted parking lot. It wasn't very well lit, but I did pass underneath a street light and saw my shadow. It looked so small and womanly. My hair was waving in the wind and my coat was flapping a little, but my body...it looked so small it almost disappeared. I felt...a little frightened. I clutched my car key in between the fingers of my fist -- my only real weapon -- and looked sharply at shadows between the parked cars. I made it to my car and then my home safely, but there was some residual fear. I am a woman, alone, in the modern world. There are very real dangers.

The reality is that I am probably way more safe and prepared than a large percentage of women in this country. I have two black belts in martial arts and used to help teach self defense. I am 5'8", broad-shouldered, and walk confidently. I am also not as young as I used to be, with the bulk of my youth behind me, though I am only 32 and still youngish looking. I am attractive, but not a beauty. And I still have muscle and some extra weight to give me a strong frame. It is hard to be objective about your own appearance, but I have been told before that I am not a typical looking "victim." But then again...what is a typical victim of a crime against women? I would think any woman. Any.

The reality is also that though I have been a victim of crime before, never have I been personally assaulted. I am lucky. Being a woman in the modern world means that you would have to be pretty naive to never have thoughts like this. To not be aware of your surroundings, especially when walking alone. I've been threatened, and had crimes commited against me personally, but never face-to-face. I have training, and tools I have been taught to use to be prepared, but who really knows how/when/what/to whom such an attack will occur?

One tool I used to rely on in my 20's was my weight. For most of my young adulthood I didn't worry as much about being attacked because I (perhaps foolishly) thought an attacker was less likely to choose a morbidly obese woman. My weight, my padding, my wall against reality and the rest of the world. It is now mostly gone, and a small tinge of extra...awareness, is here. I don't want to call it fear because I am honestly not living my life in fear. But for the past month or so, these thoughts have come into my head that I should be more aware. I remember thinking these things before, though in a less seasoned, mature way, when I was young and thinner.

Awareness. Not a bad thing. I guess I'm just writing this down here because I think it is a natural growth in my thoughts that has come around because of this surgery. None of us are fooling ourselves, I think, that losing weight isn't making us more attractive. Just, perhaps more attractive in more than one way.

I'm just...thinking about it.