5 Months out & all I can say is Holy Sh*t

On March 31 I was officially 5 months post-op. And along with the 76 pounds that I have lost I have lost and discovered a few other things.

We recently visited family in PA & it was a good visit, emotional on many levels, but good. My DH sister is moving to Kansas & this was our last trip to their home in PA. It was also the first time anyone has seen me since Memorial Day 2008. Let me beginning by saying I know that I am not beautiful. And I am fine with that. I don't think that I am ugly either, but I am OK with being pretty or even cute. But the way in-laws (both men & women) went on about me being sooo beautiful now. And to make it worse, then my SIL tried to say that I was always beautiful on the inside. OK I have been around the block enough times that I know what they meant. BUT the way they tried to say it made the compliments not such a compliment at all. They actually toasted me & my success and let me know that I will still be loved and they would still be proud of me even if I gained weight again.. I just wanted to get off of the merry-go-round that they were spinning cause I was serious sick of hearing it. I truly know that they had their hearts in the right place, it's their brains & mouths that need to be re-connected. And there was one BIL who asked me when I got my nose pierced. I have had this question before from someone at work. I actually did it nearly 2 years ago. It just goes to show that some people never REALLY looked at me before. Gee I wonder why????

I have had a tough time lately - emotionally & mentally, trying to put all of what's happened in the last few months into perspective. Dealing with my fears of not losing any more weight, of gaining weight back - of never being really happy with myself or in myself. I don't know where this path is leading and that in of itself is very scary for me. I always need to know, I can not be out of control.

I am looking for positive aspects of this journey. I bought a full length mirror, never wanted one before. I am OK with having one now. I am still surprised by the person who stares back at me. I am still afraid of asking for help. Help with clothing options to minimize the not so great parts of my body. Help with make-up to accent the positive features. Help with the sexual demands that my DH is asking for. Since I am still not really comfortable with what is being left as the fat is leaving.

Am I smaller, more normal sized - yes
Am I obese still - no, just "overweight" on the BMI chart now.
Am I happier - unknown
Do I feel better - people think that I should say YES, but jury is still out on that - I don't know.

Talking, writing - both here and on my paper journal seem to lessen the panic. But as I have stated before - they operated on my stomach not my brain, so when I am stressed - my auto pilot sends me to my crutch, my friend, my comfort - FOOD. But thankfully right now my body rejects that. I need a new crutch - what am I am going to do. Where will I find a new crutch? Can I learn to ask for help? Can I learn to accept it? Where is the confidence that everyone said will be there as the weight goes? I can not find it. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places, that would be the way of it for me. Or maybe it's not out there to be found. Could it already be inside of me?

I am very tried now - enough stuff to sort through. tomorrow beginning another step toward my next goal - 141 normal BMI