Who's that woman in the mirror?

Over the last weekend, I stayed in a hotel. And of course they have HUGE mirrors in the bathrooms and two additional mirrors in the room itself. OMG could they get any more mirrors in such a small space?

Anyway, I was looking at my reflection and wondering who I was. The face looking back in unfamiliar to me. I don't know who she is and I don't know where she's going. These thoughts keeping running through my head. And it's not helped by people who are reacting like I did not exist before losing weight.

I saw a lot of people in this last week who did not recognize me. The reactions range from mild surprise to shock. OMG - it's like no one really saw me before. Some people asked if I was happy now. What exactly does that mean? I have been obese all of my adult life, and I know that I have been happy times in those years. Do they mean am I happier with being thinner, looking thinner? I have not decided yet. In clothes, it's not too bad but naked - EWWWW.

I was also surrounded by food and drink & I did partake. I eat more food than I have in 4.5 months. And I did have a (one) "lemon drop", which I sipped slowly and enjoyed on Saturday. I have not had a drink since. I wrote down everything I eat, even though I was not able to calculate the calories very well. I did not make myself sick and I wasn't driving and I was not feeling guilty, until now.

I was right back to my normal lifestyle (post-surgery lifestyle) as of Monday. But today when I got on the scale it said opps (sucks to be you) you're up 3 lbs. Now seriously this is disappointing and shocking. To gain weight after one day of "partying". My spirit is crushed. Now I know (or hope) on some logical level that it is most likely water weight. A lot of what we had to eat was salty or had a lot of sodium in it. Eating at restaurants is not conducive to a low sodium diet.

I also am very aware that I wanted to be at 169 lbs this week because that will mean I am no longer obese, I will just be overweight. And like many people who have had the sugery, this is a big milestone just like getting 100 lbs lost. So I am disappointed about that.

But my gosh, if I am unable to break loose and have one day every once in a while without the scale going up. What am I going to do. Jeepers, everyone should be able to cut loose and be a little bit crazy.

I have embraced a healthier lifestyle and certainly do not plan on eating out everyday or every week or even every month. But a girl's got to have fun. I guess it all goes back to being so afraid of failing, failing at even this too.

I see my friends who had the surgery, both about 2 years out, and they eat candy, order and eat whatever they want - smaller portions, but whatever they want and they drink. And I wonder where they will be in another year or 2 or even 5. Where will I be? Who will I be?