8 months out ...
Posted 07-14-2009 at 07:04 PM by LizzieShell
I am 8 months out, nearly 8 1/2.. and I am scared. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of messing this up, I am afraid of not losing more, I am afraid of the person I see in the mirror .. and no one understands.
Everyone assumes that I am happy to have lost 100 lbs. I should be SO much happier to be thinner and feel better. I guess that is part the misconception - I don't necessarily feel better. I am still uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate to have my DH look at me naked. I am more self-conscious than I was at 250 lbs. At that weight I never worried about my arms being wrinkled. But now I feel like everyone is looking at my arms when I'm wearing a short sleeve shirt.. and damn it is summer and I can not wear long sleeves all year round.
I remember last year at this point dreaming about what I would feel like if I was able to have WLS, daydreaming about how my life would change. My emotions are all over the board. I am way too emotional and hypersensitive. And since I am an emotional eater - this is not a good combination. That and the fact that I can eat junk food still.
I am hoping that therapy will help. I am going to try DBT. Typically it's used for eating disorders and drug addictions.. I am hopeful that it will help me getting control over my emotions instead of them controlling me.
We will see how the insurance company handles this. I have the referral, but this like everything else with my PCP has been screwed up. The referral window is short and the Doctor back dated the paperwork and first appointment is 7/27. So we'll see if I can get the dates corrected after my first appointment. And it's really good timing, since I will be coming back after a weeks vacation with about half of my family. I am looking forward to it, but as I said I am hypersensitive emotionally and there's bound to be something that sets me off (whether real or just in my imagination) the effect will be the same. My feelings and emotions will be bend out of shape somehow.
Well enough for now..
Everyone assumes that I am happy to have lost 100 lbs. I should be SO much happier to be thinner and feel better. I guess that is part the misconception - I don't necessarily feel better. I am still uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate to have my DH look at me naked. I am more self-conscious than I was at 250 lbs. At that weight I never worried about my arms being wrinkled. But now I feel like everyone is looking at my arms when I'm wearing a short sleeve shirt.. and damn it is summer and I can not wear long sleeves all year round.
I remember last year at this point dreaming about what I would feel like if I was able to have WLS, daydreaming about how my life would change. My emotions are all over the board. I am way too emotional and hypersensitive. And since I am an emotional eater - this is not a good combination. That and the fact that I can eat junk food still.
I am hoping that therapy will help. I am going to try DBT. Typically it's used for eating disorders and drug addictions.. I am hopeful that it will help me getting control over my emotions instead of them controlling me.
We will see how the insurance company handles this. I have the referral, but this like everything else with my PCP has been screwed up. The referral window is short and the Doctor back dated the paperwork and first appointment is 7/27. So we'll see if I can get the dates corrected after my first appointment. And it's really good timing, since I will be coming back after a weeks vacation with about half of my family. I am looking forward to it, but as I said I am hypersensitive emotionally and there's bound to be something that sets me off (whether real or just in my imagination) the effect will be the same. My feelings and emotions will be bend out of shape somehow.
Well enough for now..
Total Comments 1
Comments
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LizzieShell - As one who as suffered years of depression (for no obvious reason), I see similar characteristics of me in your words. Maybe what you are feeling has more to do with depression than your weight loss journey and/or expectations. Sometimes the most depressing thing is when you feel depressed for no obvious reason (like me).
I actually felt guilty because there were so many things going on in my life that were good, yet I couldn't get any joy from them. What I didn't understand is that our brains are funny. If they are chemically imbalanced we feel all sorts of emotions whether they are warranted or not. After talking with my PCP I went on an anti-depressant, and within about 4-6 weeks actually felt that my spirits were lifting. After about 5 years of medication I chose to start taking myself off slowly. It’s been over a year now and I’m feeling much better. But, I know that if those feeling start creeping back up on me I may have to choose medication, again. But, that’s OK. I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't rule that out. Our bodies are unpredictable. They don't always work as we intend. I wish you all the best and would love your feedback if you feel up to it. |
 
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