endings and beginnings
Posted 10-29-2009 at 03:15 PM by kovy
my story is one that i have heard so often from people who struggle with their weight. i have never known a time in my life when weight was not an issue. from as young as i can remember, i have been the fat girl. in fourth grade, during our weekly spanish class, we learned our spanish names. mine translated to isabella. by the end of the day i was hearing taunts of "isabella's got a belly!" by the time i was in 5th grade i weighed 135 lbs.
i don't remember any of my weights after that. i just remember dreading having to get on the scale, and always feeling as though my weight defined me. around my family i'd hear lots of, "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight!" relatives loved to tell me how they were so skinny when they were my age. as though at 11 years old i was somehow choosing to be overweight. like i should just know how to eat right and exercise without ever having been taught.
shortly before i turned 12, our house caught fire. we stayed in a hotel for a few weeks before moving into a rental in a different school district. at our new school neither my little brother, nor myself, was very happy. students were snooty, and there was still the problem of being the biggest girl in class. a few months later, we were able to start going back to our old school, but a new problem arose; our parents were getting divorced.
i'm gonna fast forward through the gory details of the divorce. suffice to say my mom ended up leaving, and my dad remarried the day the divorce was final. he was divorced and remarried within two years time.
my new stepmom took it upon herself to "get me skinny." at first i thought, "great! i'll have a diet/exercise buddy!" but it wasn't the support system i thought it was going to be. instead, what followed was years of humilations and yo-yo dieting.
we did slim-fast. "if we can lose 10 lbs in 5 days with the jump start...we'll just do it for a whole month!"
we did weight watchers. "you're allowed 24 points in a day? just eat 15-20...think how much quicker you'll lose!"
we did atkins. "let's just stay on the introductory phase the whole time! to REALLY lose weight, we'll walk 5 miles a day, then do advanced tae bo when we get home!"
inevitably a holiday, or just a saturday night craving, would roll around. those were the times she'd give us permission to eat whatever we wanted...so long as we purged ourselves afterward.
when we weren't dieting, we were eating horribly. pancakes for dinner. nightly trips to dairy queen for ice cream. then she'd again decide that I needed to stop eating so much crap. she'd buy snack cakes, ice cream, cookies, etc. for everyone else in the family, but ban me from them.
needless to say, i spent most of my teenage years as a closet binge eater. i always felt so ashamed. why couldn't i just control myself? why was "dieting" so hard?
i left my parent's home, but still carry with me the bad habits learned through those years. i still catch myself, from time to time, shoveling in an extra brownie before my husband gets back from the bathroom...as though he would be upset with me.
for years now, i have give up on myself. i thought that i was destined to be the fat girl. i didn't think i was capable of losing the weight. and, truth be told, i didn't think i deserved to.
well, i'm tired of being that girl. i have my own family now, including two amazing little girls and a husband who loves me. i want to get better for them. most of all, i want to get better for me. i keep repeating this, but it is just so true i have trouble comprehending it; there is a woman inside of me that i do not know. i don't know what it is like to be her. i don't know what she looks like. i don't know in what ways we are different, and i don't know in what ways we are the same. but, i will be damned if i am not going to fight like hell to find out.
after years of thinking about it, months of research, and weeks of arguing with the doctor in my head, i finally got up the nerve to ask my doctor about WLS. i was ready for an argument. i was ready to be told i didn't deserve it. instead, what i got was the suggestion of surgery mere seconds after i got done voicing the concerns i have about my weight and the problems it is causing.
so, there you have it. the end of one story, and the start of a whole new journey.
i don't remember any of my weights after that. i just remember dreading having to get on the scale, and always feeling as though my weight defined me. around my family i'd hear lots of, "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight!" relatives loved to tell me how they were so skinny when they were my age. as though at 11 years old i was somehow choosing to be overweight. like i should just know how to eat right and exercise without ever having been taught.
shortly before i turned 12, our house caught fire. we stayed in a hotel for a few weeks before moving into a rental in a different school district. at our new school neither my little brother, nor myself, was very happy. students were snooty, and there was still the problem of being the biggest girl in class. a few months later, we were able to start going back to our old school, but a new problem arose; our parents were getting divorced.
i'm gonna fast forward through the gory details of the divorce. suffice to say my mom ended up leaving, and my dad remarried the day the divorce was final. he was divorced and remarried within two years time.
my new stepmom took it upon herself to "get me skinny." at first i thought, "great! i'll have a diet/exercise buddy!" but it wasn't the support system i thought it was going to be. instead, what followed was years of humilations and yo-yo dieting.
we did slim-fast. "if we can lose 10 lbs in 5 days with the jump start...we'll just do it for a whole month!"
we did weight watchers. "you're allowed 24 points in a day? just eat 15-20...think how much quicker you'll lose!"
we did atkins. "let's just stay on the introductory phase the whole time! to REALLY lose weight, we'll walk 5 miles a day, then do advanced tae bo when we get home!"
inevitably a holiday, or just a saturday night craving, would roll around. those were the times she'd give us permission to eat whatever we wanted...so long as we purged ourselves afterward.
when we weren't dieting, we were eating horribly. pancakes for dinner. nightly trips to dairy queen for ice cream. then she'd again decide that I needed to stop eating so much crap. she'd buy snack cakes, ice cream, cookies, etc. for everyone else in the family, but ban me from them.
needless to say, i spent most of my teenage years as a closet binge eater. i always felt so ashamed. why couldn't i just control myself? why was "dieting" so hard?
i left my parent's home, but still carry with me the bad habits learned through those years. i still catch myself, from time to time, shoveling in an extra brownie before my husband gets back from the bathroom...as though he would be upset with me.
for years now, i have give up on myself. i thought that i was destined to be the fat girl. i didn't think i was capable of losing the weight. and, truth be told, i didn't think i deserved to.
well, i'm tired of being that girl. i have my own family now, including two amazing little girls and a husband who loves me. i want to get better for them. most of all, i want to get better for me. i keep repeating this, but it is just so true i have trouble comprehending it; there is a woman inside of me that i do not know. i don't know what it is like to be her. i don't know what she looks like. i don't know in what ways we are different, and i don't know in what ways we are the same. but, i will be damned if i am not going to fight like hell to find out.
after years of thinking about it, months of research, and weeks of arguing with the doctor in my head, i finally got up the nerve to ask my doctor about WLS. i was ready for an argument. i was ready to be told i didn't deserve it. instead, what i got was the suggestion of surgery mere seconds after i got done voicing the concerns i have about my weight and the problems it is causing.
so, there you have it. the end of one story, and the start of a whole new journey.
Total Comments 3
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I'd just like to welcome you to TT. and to thank you for sharing your experience with us. Hope you become part of the family and enjoy the journey ahead.
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Oh I just want to give you a big *hug*. I saw a lot of myself in your story. That is so wonderful that your doctor was so (surprisingly) supportive! I know the feeling of getting myself all worked up for a fight that doesn't come! hehe!
I am still in the beginning of the process (still doing the six month diet) where are you? Have you chosen a surgeon? Been given a date? |
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Thank you for your courage in revealing probably one of the most difficult expierence one can have. I am one year post op with gastric bypass and it was the best decisions I have ever made. One needs to be clear on the process, just because I can't physically eat all the food I was used to, I still want to and the thoughts about food do not disappear when the surgeon arrives. The surgery is a wonderful tool and I would suggest following it up with behavior modification classes or Over Eaters Annoymus depending on what the true root of your problem is. I am active in my local support group and these are 2 tools I have seen first hand make a difference in long term success. Good luck with your journey, you are on a wonderful path to happiness.
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Recent Blog Entries by kovy
- shedding the weight...and my past. (11-06-2009)
- endings and beginnings (10-29-2009)
- post-op goals (10-26-2009)
- pre-op goals (10-26-2009)
- here i go... (10-26-2009)
