Today I had the one month check-up, which was really 6 week check-up because of my surgeon’s vacation schedule. The doc is happy but quasi-chastised me for not losing more. Say whaaa? I've lost 30 lbs since surgery! What was I ‘supposed’ to lose? (Which he refused to answer) However, if you might recall an earlier post of mine, this is somewhat due to the scale in his office registering an additional 11 lbs less than it should have during my last appointment pre-op. The only reason I knew this was a true discrepancy is because immediately after my pre-op visit with him, I went across the hospital campus for pre-admissions testing and that scale weighed more closely with the one at home (and unless you can gain 11 lbs in a 10 min walk, we’ve got issues). Can you believe I am actually fighting for a weight to be recorded higher? Ironically, the nurse at the office said that two scales were out of commission because they weren’t working so they KNOW there is a problem. I was struck dumb and left deflated after his gentle inquisition about why I wasn’t losing more.
The scale demons are trying to win this one and I’m telling them to S.T.F.U. I am fitting into clothes that I haven’t felt comfortable wearing in at least 3 years! I had an awesome trip to Martha’s Vineyard! Yesterday I wore an outfit that made me feel on top of the WORLD! And the other day I tried on a dress I wore right after I graduated high school (!!), which made me both happy and sad. Happy because = hey! more clothes to start wearing again! And sad because my poor body has been too big for too long. I’m not all too sure how much I weighed in high school but that period of my life was the typical terror for a fat girl. I was invisible yet the class clown to try and stay ahead of the jokes made at my expense. I was an easy target for the jerks and I have limited fond memories of my time there. However, I do remember going with my mom to pick out this beautiful watersilk dress full of all my favorite colors. Blues and teals and deep rich purples. The colors of a clear night sky with a streak of the aurora borealis or of bruised purple sunsets in a deep blue and clear turquoise sky. I remember how beautiful I felt in it and how I loved to wear it for our family’s special occasions and trips. It’s full of both that feeling of beauty and owning something so pretty and special, but also those dark memories of being bullied that I have tried to bury. Geez louise, thinking of this dress is bringing me to tears. How can a piece of clothing evoke so much? I never realized clothing could have that power. I guess now that it fits I need to make some new memories in it.
In other news, I think I could amp up my exercise efforts. I researched gyms and memberships and found one in close proximity to my work which gives a discount through my insurance so that I would theoretically only be paying $10 month. Why is it hard to make that next step? What am I afraid of? And should I be doing only cardio to maximize weight loss right now? What about these bat wings? Can I tone without gaining muscle? But I WANT more muscle. I want definition under this fat so I can be awesome like @athenarose and @Stephtay Perhaps I’m afraid of making a fool out of myself. I have been publicly embarrassed and bullied enough in my life, I try not to put myself in situations where it might happen again.
What I'm feeling 6 weeks out: Normal. Like, sometimes I forget I had surgery. I'm certainly not as tired as I typically would have been at the end of the day pre-surgery but I still haven't had this great surge of consistent energy like I thought I might have. I have the energy when I want (like my hiking) but its not always there or I must summon it (**cross arms in front of body, blink -- Genie?). I've been having some acid reflux/heartburn so the doc prescribed some meds for that during today's visit. I also brought up the DEXA scan after reading about the dangers bariatric surgery may pose for calcium absorption issues (thanks @cinwa!) He actually said that his foreign colleagues only do self-pay surgeries and the DEXA scan is included in the package. We will see if it goes through insurance.
What's this vegetarian eating? cottage cheese, protein gummy bears, protein powders, tofu and stir fry veggies, some fruit (cantaloupe, nectarine), tempeh, paneer and spinach
What I'm not eating? Field Roast Veggie Frankfurters - nope, way too dense no matter how much you chew.
What I wish I wasn't eating? This d*mn container of veggie protein mix that has begun to taste like dirt and doesn't mix well but I'm too cheap to toss it so I make myself use it. Vitamins, all of them.