Lately, I've reverted to Lurker status and have begun flinging myself down the rabbit hole that is better known as The Gallery.
It's a strange thing that happens inside the darkest parts of my brain when I begin looking at the Before & After gallery. So many emotions start flowing so quickly....I find myself talking to my tablet
"ooooh, look at her! I wanna have arms like her! Look at how far below her goal weight she is! She says she didn't even have a panniculectomy to have those rock solid abs. Look at those legs!!!"
It's almost the exact same rush I used to get looking through my Yummly app or a new cookbook, planning all of the things of which I would soon discover the taste.
To be honest, my obsession with meeting my goal weight has now been replaced by my obsession with having an abdominoplasty and breast reconstruction. I've saved for the surgery so many times...and each time has been met with a drastic event that has drained my poor piggy bank. The last one was a hospitalization for Mollaret's Meningitis. Neuro meds are NOT cheap. I have Tricare insurance, so the odds of getting authorization is next to zero.
I remember my level of obsession and desperation when I found myself suddenly ready to go through WLS. The clock could simply not move quickly enough between surgical appointments and all of my pre-op steps required by my surgeon. I remember looking at the list of nutritionist appointments and required food logs and thinking...."that's just fine. I'd swim with sharks if that's what was required to have this surgery." I'm finding myself faced with similar feelings, now that I'm over five years out and have yet to do the remodeling that comes with losing 250 lbs. It simply feels like breaking an ankle half a mile before the end of a marathon. I have this NEED to finish the job. And, I want it so bad, I can taste it.
Patience. I've never been great with that. (I'll pause for the feigned gasps and shocked looks). I know that things happen in their own time. I know that I'm conquering major life goals right now (starting my concurrent senior year of my math degree and first year of my master's work). But, when I flip through the pictures in the gallery, that little seductive voice inside reminds me that this journey is not over. It won't be over until I've finished sculpting the body that I want to maintain for years and years.
Is it selfish to want to look great naked? Maybe. But, after all of the work it takes to lose as much weight as an NFL Linebacker, you want to be able to strut around naked in the gym locker room like all of those grannies! You want to be able to buy lingerie without wondering where you can tuck in your skin flap. You want to be able to wear backless dresses without wondering if you can make your breasts look normal by rolling them up and tucking them behind the fabric in the actual boob area. You want to be able to wear a swimsuit that doesn't have to have that evil "instant lift" tummy device that makes it difficult to breathe. And, for God's sake, you want to be able to zip up your pants without snagging your tummy jowls. Call it selfish or vain or anything else...
I have come full circle, looking at pictures and thinking to myself..."that's fine. I'd swim with sharks to have this surgery."
But, I'm not discouraged; I'm elated. I work GREAT under the pressure of a seemingly unattainable goal. I have no idea how I'm going to solve this problem....but I KNOW that I will!!!