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Facing the demons...and finding apologies aren't enough

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nestingdoll

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First, let me say that there's no way to be successful at weightloss (surgery or not) without facing all of the skeletons that you have been trying to strangle with food.

So far, I've been a good tap dancer and a GREAT ostrich with people that have hurt me. But, I've also learned how to stand up for myself and hand-pick wonderful people for my life. Now, I'm surrounded by lovely people who actually know and accept me, while supporting me in accomplishing my goals. But.....now it's time to face more demons....

Have you ever gotten a phone call from anyone in AA or NA, apologizing for something they did 20 years ago? It's my turn and I'm lost.  Let me explain...

In my life there's that one guy....the first guy I ever loved and the only one that was over the moon for me. I took him for granted then strung him along for about ten years. (From the beginning of high school until I ran away across the country to find a new start) About 5 years ago, I moved back across the country to my old stomping grounds (to be near family while my bald man deployed)...and he had just gotten married to a gal who is reputed to be lovely. 

I refused to seek him out, knowing that I owed him a life without me in it. (Even though I am a grown up that unceremoniously throws drama out of her life, now.) When fate finally made our paths cross, I gave him an apology publicly and from the depths of my soul. 

I thought it was over, BUT the dream is back. I've been having the same dream about our break up for roughly fifteen years. It came back last night. 

How is it that I can forgive anyone for almost anything and not be able to forgive myself for things that happened half a lifetime ago? How can you find peace about something that still makes you shudder?? He accepted my apology and we talked for hours, catching up and showing one another pix of our families....but I think I would've felt better if he had punched me. Instead, he apologized for not being able to be the man that I needed.....

yeah.ouch.

Ready, set....psycho-analyze


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