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It's alive.

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nimiety

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Where "it" is both this bloglet and its author.

Things are a little bit bananas over here. It is hard to figure out where to start.

My relationship is over. We met seven years ago tomorrow, on the Brooklyn rooftop where last night I drank wine and ate scallops and corn and heirloom tomatoes with my friends, and now it is over. It feels like my life is crumbling around my ears. I feel at sea in so many ways. I do not love my ex-boyfriend less than I did. I will miss him terribly, and we are going to try to stay in each other's lives. But our partnership is over, and I am going to have to grieve it. My previous serious breakup did not make me feel all these horrible things, so I am in uncharted territory. 

I am also in uncharted body territory. I'm under 195, and I went to a wedding a couple weekends ago wearing a size 14 dress from J. Crew. Today I strolled out of the house in size 14 Gap skinny jeans—which I believe is the first time I've worn pants not to the gym in oh, round about eleven or twelve years. My experience of the world is changing. 

My behavioral baseline is changing too, and that's something I'm thinking about—how much I need to work to keep myself in "active loss" mode, and how much I can let myself start moving towards a behavioral mode that will let the chips fall where they may, weight-wise. I'd definitely like to lose another 20-30 pounds. 

And the loose skin has started to drive me nuts. I signed up for RealSelf and started reading plastic surgery reviews.

And honestly, I want to put all those things out there and up here, but that's just about as much depth as I can handle tonight. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll be back sooner rather than later.


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8 Comments


So nice to see you! Sorry you have to experience all the pain and changes involved in a relationship ending.

Your weight loss is fantastic - ONEderland, skinny jeans, a cute dress!

Life is always a mixed bag. Wishing you the best!

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(((Hugs))) Lots of changes and adjustments. This journey is certainly filled with twists and turns, isn't it? Be gentle with yourself and remember to celebrate the milestones you're achieving. Congrats on reaching onederland and fitting into a 14. 

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Sorry about the break-up .. Congrats on the weight loss and hitting wonderland !

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Thank you all so much for your kind comments and support. They mean so much. It's been a really hard stretch. I think I'd've lost a little more weight these last couple of months had it not been for the tumult and upheaval, but I'm pleased and even a little proud to be where I am, and I'm trying to take good care of myself. 

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I'm not sure whether to say "I'm sorry" or "Congratulations" first, but both of those things to you. 

Thanks for your update and I hope the tough emotional time doesn't get the best of you. Keep your mind focused on making yourself healthy and happy. 

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Be kind to yourself. Most of the time we all try to do our best. Plus it can take a lot of time before we can see our circumstances clearly. Life has a lot of pain as well as happiness in it, it is hard to remember the latter when things are raw. Sorry for your pain...

Congrats on the Onederland, new clothes, and being on that rooftop. (Around here, people say Brooklyn is, perhaps, well, maybe just a bit better than Boston for rooftop cool). -_- And if you lost even an ounce during the emotional turmoil of a breakup then you are made of tough stuff. Be proud, you don't have to apologize for that feeling, celebrate it. It's not what happens to you, it's how you deal with the cards you've been dealt. And that bit of weight loss shows you can survive and thrive. 

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Much love and hugs for you. I'm glad you're able to spend time with friends while going through this - lean on your supports, that's what they are there for!

It sounds like you're moving in a lot of directions at once - but it also sounds like each one is towards something positive. The weight loss, the wearing of pants (Gap skinnies no less?!), the behavior changes, even the breakup -  you're becoming a newer version of yourself, and while it's super exciting, I can imagine it's also terrifying and overwhelming at times. Try to focus on the good. You're doing an amazing job!

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On 7/5/2017 at 3:49 PM, BurgundyBoy said:

 And if you lost even an ounce during the emotional turmoil of a breakup then you are made of tough stuff. 

My heart is breaking for you. A total reconstruction of your person is SO HARD that any added stress feels like the proverbial straw that will break the camel's back. The truth is this: you've trained yourself already in your new eating style. Put that part of you on autopilot....don't allow yourself to consider changes to your eating routine, goal weight, etc... Don't even let anything taboo into your house. Any changes you make right now will be based on emotion. 

Then, my darling, you need to find a non-food outlet for grief. Journaling? Writing? Painting? Singing? Counseling? Prayer? Exercise? Try and try and try until you find one that soothes your soul without sabotaging your work.

It would be SO much easier if we could all pause our lives until we reach our goal weight, then hit the resume button. But, life is messy. It doesn't like to be put on pause. The good news is: WHEN you make it through the grieving process with your food addiction still in check....you'll KNOW that you are strong enough not to allow anything to derail you. You can do this.

 

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