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The Final Indulgence - Cheesecake in the Trash

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ThriftyTheresa

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Sunday I will begin my 2-week "diet" before surgery. My clinic does not require an all-liquid diet, just super low-carb - under 20g a day. This past month I have been working and lowering, and lowering, and lowering my carb intake. I haven't had any alcohol for over a month and I haven't had any sugar in a month except for fresh strawberries and a small squirt of whipped cream once a week. I know this is the final prep to shrink the fat around my liver and make surgery safer. I am taking this very seriously. Sunday is the final stretch toward this goal of getting surgery. It's been a hell of a 10 months to get to this point.

Saturday night, however...

I've planned for one final night of indulgence. My best friend and I are going to have a party night together. Have lots of alcoholic drinks, lots of greasy food at our favorite dirty diner, sing karaoke, and a final indulgence of Cheesecake Factory. She's not interested in surgery but she is interested in improving her health and losing weight. This Last HURRAH is for us both.

I have already picked up the Cheesecake slices for us and I will say that I almost didn't. I had some very intense feelings of embarrassment about going to the restaurant just to order from the to-go counter and take the big bag of cheesecakes on the bus home. I wanted to order the slices online using a delivery service app but the slices my friend wanted were both limited edition and only available in the store. I couldn't order them online. I work exactly 2 blocks away from Cheesecake Factory and walk by it almost every day on my way to the bus. In the 15 years I have worked here I have only been there probably 5 times. It truly is a rare indulgence, and that is 100% due to the shame I feel whenever I go there. I even felt shame about it the ONE time I ordered online to eat in the privacy of my home because a delivery person would had to bring it to me. The place is just so over the top with large portions and once slice of cake has the caloric intake for 2 whole days of food. The last thing I want is for someone to see me, the morbidly obese person that I am, buying 4 slices of cheesecake. The judgment of strangers shouldn't matter to me, and it normally doesn't, but I was really struck with the realization that I was judging myself. I was buying 4 slices of cheesecake with the full intention of pigging out on them this weekend. It's disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself. I don't even want to eat the stupid cheesecake now.

So me and my best friend are going to go out and have one last party night. I may or may not eat a greasy cheeseburger. I may or may not drink a lot of alcohol. The cheesecake might end up in the trashcan. I don't need it. I don't need it ever again.


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4 Comments


Personal insight can be so very hard to bear. But - you are setting yourself free, which is joyous. 

Great post. Keep it perfect by never telling any of us what you decided to do (unless it makes sense to you, and only you, to do so). Just move on to your next post when it's ready.

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Theresa, it sounds like this was a really cathartic post to write. I'm sure you will come back in the future to read it, and be so pleased that you've made the choice to go ahead with WLS. I hope your weekend is a great farewell to the treats you've planned to have. 

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I feel like I could have written some of these words myself. I planned to have a big blow out night before my first day on the pre-op diet too. For some reason it didn't really work out that way. I had some pizza but nothing else major. No matter what you decide to do, what road you take, keep that positive focus. Its a lovely thing to read.

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Wonderful post - I think a lot of us have had those thoughts. I've personally had a lot of stuff this summer because I think "well, by next year, I wont be able to eat any of this" - but even in excess, we can have moderation, and in many cases, we will be able to eat some of those foods again - just in much, much smaller bits ^_^

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