Now that I've let everyone know my surgery date, people have been asking me "Are you getting nervous yet?" I always answer "No, I'm excited!" I've had abdominal laparoscopic surgery before when I had my tubes tied and fried. I know what to expect on surgery day and I know what I will feel like waking up from the anesthesia. I don't fear any of it. At least that's what I am saying to myself.
I woke up this morning from a very bad dream about the surgery. In the dream I was on what appeared to be a TV show being filmed in the hospital. There were bleachers of people watching the live filming. I was there as a "surgery success" patient and had lost a lot of weight. My tummy area was flabby with loose skin. I was wearing a very unflattering "dress" that looked more like a long T-shirt which clung to my flabby rolls, my hair was a mess like I just woke up from sleep. I had the distinct feeling I wasn't wearing a bra or underwear under this ugly gray t-shirt dress. I looked terrible but everyone was cheering and praising me for my great weight loss. There was a another woman there who was larger than my starting weight and she was fresh out of surgery and walking for the first time. She walked to me on the other side of the stage and we hugged and the audience cheered for us. All the while this is happening I keep thinking to myself "I don't understand. I just had surgery yesterday. How did I lose this weight? Why do I look like this?"
Then I was talking to someone at a control panel-type desk in the filming studio and noticed a piece of paper, or a newspaper type thing, and saw the date was in February. My mind knew my surgery was in July but the date is telling me an entire 7 months had passed. I didn't remember anything past going to the hospital and going under. How had all this time passed?
I couldn't find my father or any friends. I was back in my hospital room talking to a nurse asking why it was February. Was I in a coma all this time? What has happened to me? Why am I here? Where is my father? The nurse just stared at me for a long time while I was crying and asking these questions. Then she said "I don't know why you're so upset. We're taking care of you. Why don't you just take some more drugs and go back to sleep."
Around that time I woke up. It's been a long time since I've had such a vivid and upsetting dream.
So obviously from this dream I must be more scared than I realize. There are clearly feelings of not being in control of my health or my body. When the nurse told me to take more drugs sounded accusatory like I had become a drug addict. There were feelings of vulnerability being exposed to an audience and the ugly, unflattering dress I was in reminding me that I may be less heavy but I am still unattractive and I don't want people looking at me.
So what I take away from this is - sure I am probably a little scared of the surgery, but I am more scared of what will come after the surgery.
Or maybe it was just a dumb meaningless dream. I'm not going to let it bother me anymore.