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Regret

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delilas

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I'm so excited to be on this pathway, and at the same time, I have so many regrets. In 2013, I had actually applied for the surgery. I was told to schedule for psychiatry, which threw me off and I abandoned the process without a look back.
 
Then two years ago, I had a doctor prod me in this direction. After 3 years of off and on infertility treatments, my SO and I were told the next step was IVF. Which was terrifying, as very few insurances pay anything towards it, and the cost of ONE attempt is more than the down payment on my house. 
 
The doc told me then he had a physician friend who specialized in weight loss surgeries, and that he thought it would be best I lost 20-30% of my weight before I went spending that kind of money and trying IVF. I kind of froze, shaking my head. I have a personal trainer, I thought desperately. I'll lose this weight. 
 
I knew better. I knew better. I know the stats about people losing weight on their own vs WLS, especially with hormonal issues (PCOS and the all too common thyroid issue in my case), and still I stubbornly refused. I got on the phone that day with my mother and my husband and told them I was dropping treatments for awhile to focus on losing weight. 2015, I said. 2015 will be the year of the weight loss, the year of the baby. 
 
And here I am, halfway through 2017, 15 pounds heavier than I was then, nearly in tears at my first weigh in with my LW Classes six weeks ago. It was the highest weight I've ever been. I've lost 7 pounds since then and had to fight tooth and nail for every pound. 
 
I'm SO excited to finish my prerequisites for surgery and get this ball really rolling. That's in large part thanks to you guys. I had initially surfed around the internet and saw so many people complaining of regain and stretched pouches that I was still hemming and hawwing over what to do. But now that I'm here, and I can see constant, real-life examples of people who are truly making it work - now that I've seen those who failed didn't stick to their program - now that I've seen it's totally a manageable thing...I can't wait. 
 
That excitement propels me through the exercise and the salads and the lack of sugar. But the regret sometimes weighs me down. Where would I be if I'd started this 5 years ago, or even 2 years ago?
 
I know there's nothing I can do to change it, but that knowledge unfortunately doesn't stop the regret. In some ways, that regret keeps me moving to get all this done so I can have the surgery as quickly as possible. I'm lucky that I now have an insurance that not only covers 70% of WLS, but also at least one attempt at IVF, which is pretty rare. I want to take it for all it's worth!
 
Tonight is class night, and exercise class at that! It's so nice to exercise as a group, even if we are each kind of doing our own thing. Then a quick lecture afterwards and a nice free night after that. 
 
Hope everyone is doing well :)
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I'm sorry you're feeling regret. I truly believe your timing is perfect: your mind is right, you have great insurance, and the perfect egg is even going to show up at the right time! Mindset is so important for success at this, and it takes time to get to the right one. Isn't it nice to think those pounds you're working so hard to lose can actually STAY off this time? I found that so motivating during pre-op. I too was horrified at my first weigh in. I'm 48 pounds lower than that icky number now. I'm so excited for both of us.

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Delila, I totally get where your regret is coming from. I had a friend who got WLS in the early 2000s, and another in 2014, and both times I considered it, and then thought, nah, I can do this on my own. Several yoyo cycles later, I was a LOT heavier when I finally had it done. I could have saved myself nearly a decade and a half of mentally (an physically, I guess, since yoyoing is not good for you) beating myself up over my failures.

There are lots of women (including my friend who had surgery in the early 2000s) who have babies after WLS - I wish you great success in both endeavors. 

That said, careful with the BC in the year and a half after surgery (or whenever your surgeon says its OK) so you don't end up achieving one goal a little too soon after the other! ;) 

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It is really motivating, @Gretta to think that its gone forever this time! I'm thankful to have a supportive team, and I am trying to put it in the perspective you mentioned - that now is my right time. I know I certainly didn't have the right mindset 5 years ago if the thought of a psychiatric appointment scared me off (I passed that psych appointment last week!), but its sometimes hard to not entertain all the what-ifs :)

Thanks for the kind words, @Jen581791 - that's totally where I am. Good lord the yoyoing. How much mental anguish could I have saved myself by now? And yes, it's weird to think about BC after 8 years of not being on/using any! But will be careful. Weight loss first, baby second :) l

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If wishes were fishes, we would all cast nets... and do away with our regrets. You are making a good choice, now. We all try our best and sometimes we look back and realize it wasn't best... but it was the best path we could see then. (I knew better...) Like you I regret not taking action earlier. Maybe if you had not gone down the other paths before you wouldn't be as ready for WLS now. Be kind to yourself...

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No no no....no regrets, my dear. Everything happens in its own time. Sometimes we have to be ready to receive something that we want so badly. I was hell-bent on having surgery (RNY) about 4 years before I did. Thank God I was denied then. I know now that my mind wasn't in the right place....I would have sabotaged it. I was approved only after I changed my priorities and my attitude. 

Sometimes not getting something you want WHEN you want it is a blessing. Just keep the faith. When the timing is right, it will happen....for WLS and the baby. (Coming from a PCOS Mommy of 2....before the surgery). 

Challenge yourself to stop looking backward....look ahead and imagine where you will get to be in 5 years. 

 

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