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Life is bizarre

lightenupwoman

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I was married to my second husband for five years. When I heard that there was an 80% post surgery divorce rate I was horrified. I didn't want to get another divorce. Well here I am. And I can't say that it's because of the surgery. Thankfully it was a very amicable peaceful divorce. We got divorced on Thursday and it was just odd, sitting there in the court room next to each other like friends with no ill will between us, but no real deep connection anymore. 

My ex is gender fluid and has decided to be out, he wears eye make up almost every day and has grown his nails long and wears nail polish on his nails and toe nails. He wears female jewelry almost every day. I obviously am not ok with this. I'm not attracted to him like that and I don't want to be a part of it. I support him as a friend but as a wife, no. 

And I haven't turned to food to make me feel better. I don't know how I am getting through this other than just doing it. I feel like I'm protected by something, I don't know what it is. I started counseling and she just can't believe how well I'm doing. 

I'm relieved that the divorce is over, just so we can go on with our lives. I don't know what is going to happen with him. He posted something very nice on facebook that night about how we always supported each other and grew. I can honestly say I've never been in a relationship with anyone who encouraged me to just me as much as he did. Maybe because we both felt like our first marriages were stifling and like the exspouse was holding us back. We both wanted the other one to feel like they could grow and be the best version of themselves. He supported me in the three year process of getting approved for surgery, and he told me after I was so scared about the divorce rate that that wouldn't happen to us, and I needed to do this to be happy and healthy for me. 

And here we are. It's ironic that they say that you get a new self when you lose so much weight. I don't feel like I have a new self, I feel like instead I'm more my actual self. I don't have chronic ankle pain holding me back, I can go ice skating with my daughter, walk and run and swim and do yoga, be who I want to be, wear what I want to wear. 

And at the same time my ex husband was figuring out who he is. I won't go into too much detail because I respect his privacy but I think we both found ourselves and those people just aren't compatible anymore. 

People tell me I will find someone else, and I just think "Dear god I hope not." I know that sounds awful and I guess lots of people say that after a divorce. But I have had it with exes, blended families, in laws, parenting plans that conflict, being expected to be in four different places at once, driving kids in various different directions to inlaws, exes, grandparents over the summer and the holidays. I just can't do it anymore. I don't regret my marriage but at the same time I'm worn out. It feels like I'm done. Stick a fork in me. 

 

 



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"And I haven't turned to food to make me feel better. I don't know how I am getting through this other than just doing it. I feel like I'm protected by something, I don't know what it is. I started counseling and she just can't believe how well I'm doing." 

I have a belief as to what is protecting you and giving you peace but I will spare you my religious beliefs and instead tell you that I appreciate your honest, heartfelt post and that I hope you continue to have peace as you find your new normal.

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i really admire you for remaining true to yourself throughout all of this. I can relate to you feeling like you're more your actual self. That's how i feel. This is who I always was, underneath the excess weight.  Your ex did right by you while you were going through the surgery process, and i'm happy you've done right by him as well. It must feel like such a loss, as he is a different person than who you knew and you're losing the man you knew so he can become his actual self. It is a very tough thing to endure. Congratulations on not falling back into destructive habits.

 I am a second wife, so i totally understand the blended family stuff. it can be completely draining sometimes. There's no rush to find someone else, if at all. Keep on skating and being the best you tat you can be. There's happiness in that. Hugs. 

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I really enjoyed reading this. The fact that you are able to type it out so clearly shows that you have a handle on the situation and a handle on your emotions. It's wonderful that what could have been a devastating situation you did not run to food for comfort. I especially liked the quote "I don't feel like I have a new self, I feel like instead I'm more my actual self." What an amazing self-realization! Kudos to you for all the hard work you are doing on your body, your mind, and your heart.

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