This morning, my 7 year old daughter woke up, ran to a little pink jewelry box, flew open the lid, and gasped. Instead of the tiny, little baby tooth that she hid there the night before, she found a silver dollar. Magic. She instantaneously donned the cap of the town crier and floated about the house, excitedly explaining to my 3 year old daughter the steps with which to attain this magical tooth-alchemy. The look on her face was contagious. My three year old was wearing it moments after her first glimpse of the "doubloon." (She's into pirates in a big way.) As a matter of fact, it's the same look they get when Santa Claus has left their presents under the tree or the Easter Bunny has left goodies in baskets outside of their bedroom doors. Want to know a secret?...grown ups get it, too. I wore the exact same expression last night.
It all started with my realization that I really wasn't going to do my homework until the last minute on Sunday night...so, I gave up clock-watching and went to the bathroom to draw myself a bath. The kids were snugly nestled in bed and a cup of post-bath sugar free Apple Cider was calling my name. So, I stripped down, threw my clothes in the laundry basket and all but sprinted to the tub (the house was unusually cold). When I reclined in the water to warm up, I reached for a bar of the hubby's soap (he's gone again, so I use his soap to keep that smell alive in the house). I placed it on my thighs to wet my hair with both hands....and....it....fell....through.
Thinking to myself that I didn't remember spreading my legs apart, I fished the bar of soap out of the water and repeated. Again, it fell through. Ladies and gentlemen, for my first act, I will now make soap disappear??? Have I become some wicked thigh magician? No. But, there is evidence of a magical being that is sadly left out of every fairy tale and folk lore book I've ever read.....in fact, I don't know her name. In the middle of the night, she graciously took some of my thigh cellulite and left, in its place......a SPACE! You can see through them.....WITH MY KNEES TOUCHING!!!!!! Yes, I called it a "she"...I'm convinced it's a female creature...after all, who else would understand the agony of thigh cellulite?? That, or the Sand Man has some sort of leg fetish and is now using his powers for much more good?? Either way, I'm positive that my usually pessimistic/realistic expression was traded, if only momentarily, for the starry-eyed, jaw dropped expression of a child looking at tooth fairy doubloons. Magic....pure magic!
Remember the day after you got your engagement ring? When you couldn't stop looking at your hand, twisting it in the sunlight and almost wrecking the car? Yes? Then, you can imagine what today has been.....so far, I have proven that a remote control, my deodorant bottle, and my skinniest coffee mug can all occupy that new mystical thigh space with my knees miraculously together! So, whether its name is the Midnight Thigh Bandit, Leg Slimming Gnome, or the Cellulite Vampire........THANK YOU!!!!! (and PLEASE tell me that you have a buddy called the Panni-poofer, Tummy-Tucker, or Lipo-Leprechaun!) I know, I know.....it might be silly to believe in the panni-poofer.....but on the day after your thighs no longer touch.....anything will become possible to you, too.