Scared, but Willing to Make It Work

I have never managed to get under 199 since I bypassed the weight years ago, except for a brief time as a freshman in high school. I have been losing and gaining the same 60 pounds for over ten years. I said that I needed the gastric bypass as a permanent solution to a permanent problem but as soon as I started hovering around 200 I started getting freaked out. I began breaking rules again and eating lots of ice cream sandwiches. I am weirded out by how much my body has changed just by the 19 pounds I have lost since surgery but 199 is a mental thing. When I was in high school (9th grade) I faked cancer to cover up anorexia and to be fair I did the same thing again my first year of college. When I was in high school and I got down to a pittance of 165 (I did not eat from October to December) I was overwhelmed by all of the male attention I got and did not know how to handle it. Guys who were "my boys" were suddenly coming on to me. I was invited to my first party, drank for the first time, and was gang raped by "my boys". I took total self responsibility, if I had not been drinking it would not have happened, but of course the incident has always stuck with me. (I soon ballooned back to a "safe" 210 pounds as I ate several Hillshire Farms baskets that were on sale at the mall post Christmas.) So I gotta admit I am getting a little scared. Dealing with opposite sex attention is not something you learn in class. I know I will make it through this and I also know that I will
deal with everything in the appropriate way, I guess i am just more scared them anything. But like everything else in my life I will make it work.