Let it go, shake it off, relax

Pre WLS I never knew I was a control freak. The thing I was able to control was what I was shoveling in my pie hole! Uncontrollable things that have simple answers that for some reasons I cannot get the answers that I am content with; not knowing what to do with myself, how to deal, where to turn, feeling like a constant failure, who I can trust, who I cant, who is worthy of my time, not saying no enough. The a$$holes that say this is the easy way out need to get hit in the head really hard. What did the 5 fingers say to the face? Slap!!!!

What to do with myself? Clean my home that desperately needs it, drive my son all over town and watch his activities (this consumes me, his schedule), when I need to be cleaning the house?! Do I go out and hang out with people, date when my time can be spent more productively at home, or with the family? Yet these people are driving to the point of wanting to escape. I can’t physically escape, but I can emotionally with unhealthy coping treatments. Going out for a good time vs. going out to get wasted are two very different things. With me everything is all or nothing; people, pills, alcohol, not eating, overeating. (Keeping it a secret) How to deal? Currently I’m not abusing pills or alcohol, so what do I do to abuse myself? Read, walk, blog. I suppose its people which are why I am getting bummed out.

Trust. That’s a hard one. Lately I have been experiencing people that aren’t gracious, seriously selfish, gossipy, back stabbing, sabotaging, jealous, and grossly insecure. I used to have open arms, enough to scare people close to me that I trust too much, I can’t do that so much here in PA. I hate the fact that it’s like that, but I learned the hard way.

Worthy of time: I shouldn’t date, but I have been…..again just to escape. I don’t just accept any date, my time is after all my most precious commodity. When I accept, I usually don’t hear from guys afterwards. Not sure why, but it is what it is. I chalk it up to the fact that they aren’t apart of my destiny, but yet I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing something wrong during the date, exercising the effectiveness of self sabotage that I rock at! People love that, failure of others. I’m not one of those people; I wish I was surrounded by more of others that are like me (aside from the crappy stuff). Rejoice in the success of others, offer a hand to help someone else, practice the fine art of giving thanks and appreciating help, light hearted, humble and gracious. I don’t want to use people, alcohol or pills ‘cuz none of them are helping me feel good.
So, now what? I’m blogging and it’s helping me to get it off my chest and allowing me to feel better and view things in a different light. I can only control about 85% of the things in my life, the other 15% I need to not worked up or freaked out about.