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like_rain_to_sea

Compulsion

Hi everyone. Its been a little while since I have posted but I have still been lurking around. I've been doing really well. I have discovered that luckily (maybe unluckily) I have very little trouble with dumping.

I'm starting to feel some old habits creeping back in. For instance someone brought some chocolate chip cookies in to work yesterday. I told myself I would take a fourth of a cookie because they have always been a favourite of mine. They were huge cookies and I wasn't sure if they would make me dump. I went back a number of times through the day and had another fourth of a cookie. Today someone brought in some treats from Spain. I really wanted to try them because I never had before. I found myself returning for second and third helping of a custard flan thing that was delicious.

The portion sizes were still really small and it was a lot less then I would have eaten before. Our weight loss plan really focuses on eating normally and still being able to enjoy the things we love. But still its worrying. I don't want to slip down that slope of unthinking eating again. Thought I would post here to try and get myself back in the zone.

like_rain_to_sea

I'm one of those people that weighs hardly ever. Its been a weird trigger for me in the past and I'd rather avoid that. So I am determined to only weigh myself at appointments and on the first of every month.

My total weight loss so far since the start of January is 46.5 pounds (or three stone). 23 of those have been since my surgery on the 11th of May. I have also lost 17.5 inches total from various parts of my body. All in all a pretty good result. I am just happy it is coming off. I still can't eat a lot so my portion sizes remain quite small. It means I am basically eating all protein to make sure I am getting enough in. But drinking all my water in has been no problem so far.

Had my first group appointment the other day and that was interesting. We talked a lot about nutrition and our medications and things like that. Pretty good stuff. Feeling very lucky and fortunate that my journey hasn't been as hard as some others, also a little guilty too. But I know its a different journey for everyone. 

like_rain_to_sea

Sometimes I get worried I am going to do a backward slide. Yes, you know the one. That inevitable thing that always happens after a diet. You know. After you've lost quite a few pounds (the same ones you have lost again and again you're whole life) and they start to creep back on. They make their way back onto your body like the tiny little parasites pounds seem to be. A backslide back into your baggy sweaters and big jeans.

I tell myself the situation is different now. And its not a lie, it is different. I mean, I let someone I had met once rearrange my insides. I say it won't happen this time but then some other little voice in my head says, well it won't happen yet, at least not this soon. Its that "well" and that "yet" that are the real problem. I know because every time I have been here I have always gained it back, with friends. And I am scared that it is going to happen again.

Yesterday my husband and I went to a friends house. The two of them are amongst the collection of few that know about my weight loss surgery. One of them said they were really starting to tell I had lost weight, they could see it in my face. Later on while the friends were putting their kids to bed my husband and I were sat in the conservatory. He mentioned buying some new clothes and I just kind of rebuffed him but in a kind way. I said something like, lets see how it goes first. Because there's that little voice in my head that says, no point in buying new clothes, you'll just be back in your size 28 trousers in no time. 

I've tried to take a very relaxed approach to this whole experience. Probably more so then a lot of people. I was never really scared or that nervous before surgery, not until I was actually on the table and I was looking up at the operating lights. But then I guess that's pretty natural because wow. I don't weigh myself very much. About once a month or so. Sometimes I sneak in a cheeky weigh just to make sure it is still coming off. It is. Of course it is.

Before the doctors suggested weight loss surgery I was pretty jaded. No, not pretty, I was really jaded. My skin was green. It was a case of been there, done that, got the T-shirt too. I have slammed myself full force into diet after diet. Crazy exercise routine after exercise routine. I was simply exhausted with it all and had given up. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to eat normal. But my life has always been if I even look at the wrong foods then I gain weight. My weight crept up to 280 pounds which is an all time high for me.

I'm quite lucky that my husband is super understanding and has always supported me in every endeavour. I had some friends(?) suggesting Keto and Paleo which are two diets I admittedly never tried. I read about them. But I just couldn't sign myself up to that diet whirlwind again. The thought of facing it all made me feel physically ill. That excitement of the weight coming off, of the compliments you get, and then the side eyes you receive once it starts to creep back on. Because me and my jadedness never felt I could ever succeed at losing weight. I resigned myself to being a fat girl forever.

And then my neuro-opthamologist suggested weight loss surgery and I was pretty floored to be honest. I was over weight but not big enough for that, right? One of my Uncles had his stomach stabled when I was a kid. I still remember a lot of my mother's negative comments about it and even now she still says he looks gaunt. I was never as big as he was and that was my only measurement for WLS. I never thought it was for me.

Is it going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy? Have I deemed somewhere deep inside that all the weight will go back on so therefore it will? These are the three am thoughts.

I spoke the bariatric psychiatrist about this before surgery. About how I feel like having WLS is like failing. You know, because I couldn't do it on my own even thought all it takes is diet and exercise, right? She was pretty cool and really talked things through with me. She says its okay to have these thoughts and I am likely to have them for awhile as my mind and body adjust to things.

I know any weight will only come back on if I let it. Because this time I am the one in charge here. I have given my metabolism and my body the middle finger and given myself the best tool possible to overcome obesity.

Yet still there is that little cynical me in the back of my brain. The one scales of obsidian and jade that cling to her every limb. Hard eyes and a bitter smile. Really?, she says, you keep telling yourself that.

Shut up, old me.

like_rain_to_sea

I haven't updated in awhile. Not because I am having problems or anything. But just because I have been trying to focus in on myself at the moment. Really I can't complain about my journey so far. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be undergoing the changes I am.

 I've had a very easy transition from purée foods to normal foods. I am eating a bit more now but not the super portions I was eating before WLS. Still only one Wheetabix when I have them for breakfast when I used to have three. Sadly I have felt hungry a few times. But I am not sure if this was a head hunger or a thirst hunger. I am trying to work through that and identify the cause. Lots of meat and cheese to keep the protein up.

We are in the middle of a heatwave right now. Temperatures at around 91F which probably doesn't seem that hot to a lot of people but it is really muggy as well. And being England we don't have air conditioning hardly anywhere. I've been practically living in front of a fan. Makes it hard to get exercise in. Have my 6 week check up at the end of the month and am hoping I get cleared for some weight lifting. I have a few exercise dvds that I enjoy that I want to try and work into my routine.

I'm still off work at the moment but go back next Monday on a phased return. Should be interesting but I feel like I am ready for it. Got a new water bottle and a bento box. Ready to get to planning in the evening with my meals. Hopefully I can keep it up. 

 

 

like_rain_to_sea

It was a week on Thursday that I had my surgery.

So far I have to say its been pretty smooth sailing. I think I've been pretty fortunate to have such a good outcome. I am a little worried about what is going to happen when I hit the solid food stage. Its been so simple for me so far but I think food might be where it starts to get more difficult.

I am still getting tired out pretty easily. We managed a trip into the city centre on Thursday and did a lot of walking around. But Friday I was totally wiped out. At one point we were walking past a Greggs and there was a lady with giant slice of pizza. It was strange because I didn't really want to eat it but its more like I remember pizza tasting good and enjoying it? I guess I am still figuring out where I am with food and how it can be a healthy part of my life.

Feeling less tired today and managed to do some cooking for my husband and a good friend that is coming over tonight. I've always loved cooking and I didn't want to lost that hobby after weight loss surgery. But as I was cooking I realized how much I used to pick as I cooked. I can't at the moment because I am still on liquid but it was totally something I took note of and will remember in the future. Wouldn't want extra calories to slip in at a future date. I've also hit up Egghead's cooking blog after some recommendation on the forums.

I haven't weighed myself since the surgery. In the past the scales have always been dangerous for me. So I have decided to make a firm commitment to only weigh and measure on the first of each month. My main reasons for having this surgery were for getting healthy so I am trying to think of the weight loss as an added bonus. Its going to come off, I'm confident of that.

like_rain_to_sea

Wow! whoever said that the liver shrinking diet starts getting easier around day 3 was totally 100% right. Yesterday morning I felt terrible. I was having a real struggle with concentrating on anything. It was probably the longest day I have ever has at work.

But today when I woke up wow, I feel pretty much normal. Its amazing the difference. I was sceptical that it would get better but it totally has.

I have started a bullet journal just for keeping track of my food during the pre-op diet. Finding it really helpful with planning and knowing where I am at. My pre-op diet only calls for 1 litre but I think I am going to try and get more in while I can.

 

like_rain_to_sea

Surgery Date: 11/05/2017

Its been a whirlwind two days for me. I had an apt yesterday afternoon with the Bariatric pre-op nurse and then the standard pre-op nurse. I was feeling pretty calm about it, thinking my surgery was likely still a few months away. Much to my surprise I was offered a date of the 11 of May due to a cancellation. I hesitated at first because I was so shocked. But then I was like well yeah lets go for it! I'm not sure if I am excited or nervous. More like a little numb.

This means today I started the two week liver shrinking diet. It has actually been easier then I thought It would be. But I imagine it will be worse tomorrow. I read some advice on the boards that says you just got to white knuckle it. My knuckles are so frikkin white.

Work has been really cool about the time off which is a relief. I was told I could be off for 4-6 weeks after for recovery. Management was find with that and is being super supportive.

Weighed myself this morning and I was at 268. Looking forward to seeing that number coming down.

like_rain_to_sea

I work at a hospital. In fact the very same hospital in which I am seeing the Bariatrics team. While I work in a different department Bariatrics is still part of the same directorate.

I am a hallway away from where the Waiting list coordinator/Managers/Secretaries sit. I've been to meetings with them often and I know them well enough to say hello when I see them. I quite regularly see my Bariatric consultant and a few of the other practitioners just around as part of the work day. Luckily the entire team is very professional and would never let anyone else know that I was on the waiting list for a gastric bypass. But sometimes I still feel quite awkward.

One of the reasons is that I am quite a private person. I have only told about four people I have decided to have this done. My Husband has told his family because we are very close to them.

But at work, I just don't want everyone that I work with knowing everything about me. I worry sometimes that my work colleagues will find out and I would rather not face their judgement. Its possible that they could be fully supportive but I'm not sure they would. One of them has made her views quite clear about WLS in the past and the other had a band but had it removed and speaks very badly of the Bypass in general. I guess its just something on my mind a lot and I worry about.

I did manage to speak to the Bariatric waiting list coordinator and she said the guesstimate I was given of April was pretty optimistic. Its more likely to be the start of Summer. Which I am okay with. I thought April seemed a bit soon and I have no problem waiting my turn. Besides it will give me a chance to try and lose some more weight before then.

like_rain_to_sea

I was really happy when I found this forum. It was so refreshing to have points of views from all sorts of people. A lot of them struggling with the same things I have my whole life. I lurked for months while being too shy and or too scared to post. I finally drum up the courage to introduce myself. Received a really warm and loving response. I decided to subscribe to my welcome thread to prompt myself to stay active in this community.

So today while I was at work someone posted some pretty derogatory remarks in that thread I was subscribed to. As you would expect the mods were right on top of that and the posts were deleted and the user (I believe) has been banned. Unfortunately since I had subscribed I still got a copy of the posts in my email in-box. I skimmed the first one but deleted it instantly because I don't need that sort of negativity in my life. The user all sent me a PM but luckily I never got to lay eyes on that only a notification for it.

I'm strong and I've been around the internet for a long time. So I was not an ounce bothered or upset by it.

But I do worry that I have gotten a taste of what I might have to experience post weight loss surgery. There does seem to be a stigma surrounding it. One of the reasons I have told very, very few people that I am going to have a bypass done. I have read on the board to prepare some stock answers. I'm still pre-op but I am certainly going to start thinking of some now.

I am not going to let all this chase me off the board but I will certainly hesitate to subscribe to threads from now on.

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