Nothing much to report this month. I actually have my 2-month weigh in later today at the surgery clinic but felt like blogging now instead of waiting until afterward. Haven't started therapy yet either. Due to holidays, et. al. they couldn't get me scheduled until Tuesday Jan 3rd. So next week I imagine I'll have a pretty big update.
This year has been pretty average. That's a good thing. Nothing terrible has happened to make it bad (other than the Presidential Election) and nothing amazing has happened to make it good. Average is acceptable. No news is good news as they say.
Earlier in the month I took my Dad to Vegas for a short trip. We went for a bingo event and had a really nice time. Not only did we both win some money at Bingo, but Dad also had several large wins on the slot machines and came home with pockets full of cash for the first time in nearly 10 years. Usually he doesn't have a single dollar to his name by the end of the trip. Since we both came home with money we have already booked our next Vegas trip for February. Our Christmas presents to each other were I bought the airfare and he bought tickets to go see Cher. That will be a great time. We have a blast together - he's my favorite travel companion.
Diet-wise, I feel like I am doing OK but know I could be doing better. The numbers are going down on the scale at a decent pace, but I have to admit that I am not 100% complaint. This is something I plan on fully divulging to my nurse later today at the appointment. And something I plan on taking about with the therapist when we get into that as well.
The full truth - On the weekends I kind of go wild with food and indulge in a little too much wine. I don't drink to intoxication, but the empty calories and carbs of 2-3 glasses of wine on a Friday and 2-3 glasses on a Saturday is not something I should be doing. I know this. Any diet I have been on has always had 'cheat days" and my weekends have been a free for all. I find myself pre-planning my weekend binging all week long. I eat clean during the week, have my protein shakes, track every morsel that goes in my mouth, don't go out to lunch with my coworkers, don't buy muffins and donuts in the cafeteria, but the entire week I'm thinking about how Friday after work I am going to treat myself.
This week I have bee completely obsessed with the idea of ordering Indian food. I have not have Indian food for a couple of months and have been craving it for weeks. My fat brain is justifying it by saying "You won't be able to eat this after surgery. Don't deprive yourself now." I want it SO BAD. And I am going to get it. I know it's wrong. I know it's not on plan and I'm going to eat it anyway. I'm probably not even going to feel guilty about it. My Catholic-brain tells me that this is the perfect definition of SIN, but I also know sins are forgiven when we are truly sorry. I just haven't gotten to that sorry part yet. I'm a sinner - and it's delicious!
There have been several times in the recent months where I will pre-plan binge eating. I have never realized I was a binge eater until recently. I don't always act on these urges but I sure do think about them at a lot. For example, before going to the monthly Bariatric support group at the hospital, my fat-brain tells me that after the class I could walk 3 blocks down to the Piroshky place, or take the bus to Trader Joe's and get some treats. I did not do either of these things and instead I got a ride home where I had a normal, good meal and I was proud of myself for not giving in to temptation. But last week, after work I went to the grocery store and got a bottle of wine and a single serving of cheesecake. I ate a normal, good meal for dinner but I still had wine and cheesecake as a treat. Why did I do that? I didn't need to but I did.
Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on this. I don't sit around a beat myself up about my poor choices, but I want to acknowledge that I do see my poor choices, bad behavior, and hope to get better. That's why I'm entering therapy for food addiction and that's why I'm being honest with my doctors during this pre-surgery process. I have 4 more months before surgery. My New Year's Resolution is to learn from these mistakes and to better prepare myself for the future. Keep making good habits and priority and to lessen the food-reward system I have created for myself with the after-work wine and desserts.
I'm still going to eat that damn Indian food tonight. It's still 2016.