I've been stewing over my last blog entry...where I ramble on about cleaning out my baggage...having thoughts about my thoughts about regrets and how they've affected my waistline....but I'm thinking, now, that I was really wrong. (or at least I left out a key step). I said that being saddled with regret translates directly to having saddle bags.......let me rephrase that...
For me, having regrets leads to what I may have only now defined as "emotional eating," which leads to larger than life rear end parts. No matter how you cut it, there's a simple, undeniable truth:
FAT IS AS FAT DOES.
And, at least for me, I can tap into my Rolodex of memories and prove it... For a venture like this one, we'd better have an appropriate name for the expedition, right? Here goes
"10 Things I have done in my life that (I presume) no skinny mini ever did"(former chubbs are the exception)
1. I cannot count on two hands the number of times that I've eaten an entire large, deep dish pizza, alone.
2. I have eaten every single oreo in the box...and in two boxes of the white fudge covered ones.
3. During Girl Scout cookie season, I have eaten one box of Coconut Delights daily for a week.
4. I have eaten an entire box of Popeye's Chicken...again, by myself
5. I have been cold to a thin waitress while polishing off my weight's worth at the local casino buffet
6. I have gone through multiple drive thru's, ordering different meals with different drinks....all for me
7. I have hidden what I ate from my spouse. (I used to be famous for stacking burger wrappers before crumpling, so it would only look like I had eaten one.)
8. I have gone to the gym, then stopped for a giant order of Chinese food on the way home as a "reward."
9. I have dieted for weeks at a time, then again "rewarded myself" with a "free day" that ruined the week's loss. (so many times)
10. I have avoided the scale at all costs for years at a time, so I wouldn't have to know how bad I'd gotten.
I'm not stopping there. That list looks shocking, but excusable, if you try hard enough to find an excuse. Trust me, I've made enough of them. But, today, I'm going to do the unthinkable.....I am, basically, planning to hold myself down, and pry my own eyes open so I can "see" what I've been doing. And, you got it, I'm doing it publicly........in other words
I'M HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE.
How, you ask? What is the big revelation that I'm about to have from a blog? Well, I'm going to do a little experiment with my list....and replace the food items in my list with alcohol....just to get the full impact of my actions and the full extent of my food abuse. It may just be a blog, but delving into the dark, shadowy places inside yourself is pretty scary. (But I know that you all have my back.).......*big gulp*
10 Things that I have done that a non-alcoholic has never done:
1. I cannot count on two hands the number of times that I've drunk an entire fifth of vodka, alone.
2. I have drunk every beer in a 12 pack...and in two 12 packs of Octoberfest at one sitting.
3. During winter ale months, I have drunk a 12 pack a day for a week straight.
4. I have drunk an entire keg of Bud....again, by myself.
5. I have been mean to the sober barkeep while becoming toxic at the local pub.
6. I have gone to multiple liquor stores, collecting different kinds of booze...so no one would know it was all for me.
7. I have hidden my bottles in the neighbor's garbage.
8. I have been to AA, then stopped at the bar on the way home as a "reward."
9. I have been sober for weeks at a time, then rewarded myself with a weekend bender.
10. I stopped looking at my bar tabs, so I can lie to myself about how much I've really had.
OY..... there's actually no exclamation that has the ability to carry the full gravity of what I've just written. I'm actually stunned at the extent to which I had to go, to make myself see what kind of food addiction I've had over the past.....lifetime.
That, my friends, is a large hurdle. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. (That's not experience talking, it's just a metaphor.) I've taken the first several bites.....it's just going to take a while. There is no magic cure. Every bite of this elephant is going to be it's own challenge....and the motivation to keep going will sometimes run low.
This is the journey. This is my challenge....to overcome this. And, guess what? IT'S POSSIBLE. ONE DAY, ONE CHOICE, ONE BITE at a time.