Started feeling like I was losing it and then.....
Posted 08-26-2009 at 12:33 AM by AirForceW1fe
So I am sitting here listening to Pink's song "Sober". I love her, she does not care what people think about her and always speaks her mind. Both qualities I can relate to. While I have never struggled with a drug or alchohol addiction, in a sense food was my drug. My friend, comfort and the one thing I could always count on. RIP, I don't "need" you anymore to function and thrive!
Anyway I find myself crying as I am listening to it, something that I seem to rarely do.
I have read so many of the stories on this forum of people journey's and no matter how many of them you read, until you walk in their shoes, there is no way you can fully understand the range of emotions that path we have chosen will run us through.
It hits me as I really stop to listen to the lyrics. One line is " I don't want to be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth".
This is me my whole life as an obese adult and now that I stop and reflect on it. I think it was because I hoped my personality would deflect people's attention from my weight. So as much as I can say I don't care what people think apparently I do. I always wanted people to see me from the outside the way I knew I was on the inside. Alive, happy, and confident in who I was.
So few people in my life have been able to see past the weight and truly get to know me. Maybe that drives my devotion to my husband. He met me and fell in love with me as a big girl. He encourages me to be outspoken, opinionated and to go after whatever is important to me and will make me happy. I truly do love him for that and a million other reasons.
As I am starting to shed some of the exterior that I feel has held me back for so long, I realize it was not that it mattered to me how people saw me. What matters is how I allowed it to hold me back. I will never let that happen again.
Another line in the song is "If I let myself go, I am the only one to blame". I made 2 large font printouts of it and taped them to both my office wall and my fridge. They will serve as a constant reminder to me that I don't want to be "that girl" and I never will be again.
Anyway I find myself crying as I am listening to it, something that I seem to rarely do.
I have read so many of the stories on this forum of people journey's and no matter how many of them you read, until you walk in their shoes, there is no way you can fully understand the range of emotions that path we have chosen will run us through.
It hits me as I really stop to listen to the lyrics. One line is " I don't want to be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth".
This is me my whole life as an obese adult and now that I stop and reflect on it. I think it was because I hoped my personality would deflect people's attention from my weight. So as much as I can say I don't care what people think apparently I do. I always wanted people to see me from the outside the way I knew I was on the inside. Alive, happy, and confident in who I was.
So few people in my life have been able to see past the weight and truly get to know me. Maybe that drives my devotion to my husband. He met me and fell in love with me as a big girl. He encourages me to be outspoken, opinionated and to go after whatever is important to me and will make me happy. I truly do love him for that and a million other reasons.
As I am starting to shed some of the exterior that I feel has held me back for so long, I realize it was not that it mattered to me how people saw me. What matters is how I allowed it to hold me back. I will never let that happen again.
Another line in the song is "If I let myself go, I am the only one to blame". I made 2 large font printouts of it and taped them to both my office wall and my fridge. They will serve as a constant reminder to me that I don't want to be "that girl" and I never will be again.
Total Comments 3
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Wow, that really moved me. I love Pink too and I love her song sober. I can relate a lot to what you said.
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You made me think...something I hardly ever do. I love P!nk's song, Sober (Funhouse was great overall though).
I too am a very outspoken and opinionated person. I've been lucky that people do see beyond my weight, but there a bunch of times that I know strangers judge me by my weight. However, I let my emotions get ahead of me and I automatically think that people judge me based off my weight. I hope you've gotten better emotionally and wish you all the best! *Hugs* Axel |
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Updated 10-08-2009 at 09:00 PM by Axel (can't spell) |
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I so can relate to how you feel,for a long time that is exactly how I felt.I felt that no one really saw me as a person,they just saw my height and weight.But,I notice as I shed the weight,I started to love me,and really didnt care how other people veiw me,Thank you for sharing your story.You are not alone.
handicapp before:285lbs now:222lbs goal:130lbs |
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