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    duckster43
    Latest Entry

    Well here I am roughly 9 weeks post surgery and I am still adapting to my new "tool." I've lost 82 pounds and roughly 4 pant sizes!! I thank God for giving me the strength to go forward with the surgery. I also thank God for my loving and supportive family, who are helping me every step of the way!!!

    I am learning how to work this tool into my life style. It hasn't always been easy but it has all been good. My children have been the most amazing through the entire process!! They've been helping me adapt our menu to a healthier one AND they'be become so much healthier because of it.

    Even though my journey has just started I still have a long road to go.

    Have a great day.

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    You are everything that is bad, you are everything that has made me sad, you are everything that is life altering.

    No matter how accomplished I am in life, no matter how much I have, because I am fat I feel worthless-and because I feel worthless I allow other people to treat me as though I am worthless.

    Its time to make it all stop. Its time to gain control of this beautiful gift that God has given me and do something with it.

    So many years have gone by, so many opportunities missed, so many chances not taken because I am overweight.

    The freedom of being a normal weight can give you trumps over all the deliciousness in food

    I cant do it anymore-your not good for me-I walk a few blocks and im huffing and puffing, I attempt to put my shoes on and I start to sweat, I spend days letting life pass me by because I am too tired to get out of bed.

    It is not worth it. I am worth more then what I consume. My Life would be so much better if I could control what I eat.

    You are my drug, always lurking in my head, always present. My car has become a comfort zone because its one of the places where no one has to see me eating the unhealthy food that I eat, and I wont have to feel criticized when Im eating it. I know Im doing wrong so my car became a place where I can shut off the world while I commit a crime on myself.

    I want it to stop. I want to see the world in a different way. I want people to see me for who I am not what I eat. Because if they don't see shoveling it in my mouth they will surely see it in the weight Ive gained.

    I want to be present in the world. Not in the shadows where I stay now because I feel unworthy but in crowd of beautiful women that are being admired.

    Its time to take charge...so...my love...food...its over. I will no longer use you to fill that void in me that is missing. I will only use you to preserve my beautiful life I will be living.

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    I choose life
    Latest Entry

    So I am 1 week and 1 day from surgery and I thought it would be good to write down my thoughts so that if I am ever asked or curious, I will be able to remember some of my early lessons. To be completely honest it also helps me to have a place to clear out all the thoughts that jumble inside my mind.

    Firstly, all the preparation for the change was never going to prepare me for all the things that are changing inside me and around me. Excitement does not begin to explain what I feel when I think about the future. My true regret is that I have waited so long. I know that I am only 35years old, but it seems that living a day without this kind of commitment to health and life, was such a wasted opportunity. Don’t get me wrong I understand that there are many things that I have my life that I would not have had if not for each of those days, namely my husband of nearly 10 years and our amazing 9 year old daughter. I just wish that I had done this earlier so that I would not have wasted so much time, I could have spent enjoying them and our lives together. I am just so grateful that I have not wasted anymore time, because every moment with them is and will continue to be worth the work that has and will continue to lay ahead of me.

    Another thing that has occurred to me in the last week is that in all my years of dealing with food I have had no real idea of what my relationship with it was. I have heard a lot “grieving for food”, because you in a sense are losing a close friend and something that you have come to depend on for comfort. While I completely can see that this is something that a person could struggle with and honestly I imagined it would be something that I would struggle with. However, oddly enough that is not something I feel. It seems like ever since the surgery I have a great feeling of relief that I don’t have to deal with food and the torment that I have always had with guilt and gluttony. It almost feels like I have been released from the clutches of a bully. I know that sounds nuts to me to think of food and my addiction to it as a bully. I am sure I am not the only person to feel this but it is a feeling that I never expected. It is like leaving an abusive relationship, only you are the one who is abusing yourself. (Let me express that I am not belittling the trial of an abused woman.) I just never thought of my relationship with food in this way. I always thought that like an addict I would somehow miss the food and the eating, but I really don’t. I love the fact that there is something that there is something that is giving me time to learn how to build good and healthy habits.

    So those are 2 of the thoughts that I have had in the last week. I know there will be more in this learning process. I’ll keep typing and you can keep reading if you like. :)

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    ToadBelly87
    Latest Entry

    I find that it's important to keep a food journal. While I have a hard copy of my emotional journey, I also have found it helpful to post on sites like this as well as Blogger and Tumbler. I have a private site on Penzu and I often write a list of what I'm eating at the time that I eat it. I note how much it is as well as my liquid count. At the end of the day, I add up ounces and grams and configure what I need to be working on. My doctor here in Las Vegas, NV (Dr. Darren Soong/Atkinson), recommends 80-100oz water per day and 70-80g of weighted out protein, but believed to be more for men. I'm up about 60g and I am working on eating more nuts and more fish cutlets and chicken rather than rare steak (which I love). If I really want to have an occasional carb, I'll dip some whole grain crackers in hummus or put cream cheese or peanut butter on a piece of nine-grain bread.

  1. I saw my GP for the infections and everything is under control. But since I've also come down with gastroenteritis and the constant vomiting less than a month post op is really taxing my tolerance for pain and general stress. My weight loss has slowed down, even while I vomit everything I eat so I can't say I appreciate the double slap that it feels like.

    I'm ready for all the obstacles and issues to pass by me now so that I can hopefully look forward to further weight loss and an enjoyable life, because it's been anything but since surgery.

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    I'm right behind you!! :) Can I ask what your "liver cleanse" diet consists of?

    Yes Breakfast: 1 high protein meal replacement shake and twelve oz of water or sugar free beverage, Lunc: 1 high protein meal replacement shake with one food item from list below and of course the twelve oz of water. afternoon snack 1 food list item Dinner four oz of lean turkey,chix breast,ham,roast beef, or fish, baked grilled orbroiled. plus one half cup of raw/cooked green vegie, or one half cup of low sodium v8 juice.

    eve snack 1 high protein meal replacement shake. drink 64 oz of non carbonated sugar free lbeverages aday.examples inc. h2o, propel,crystal light,g2, sugar free kool aid , sugar free pop scicles,sug free jello, fatfree chix or beef broth. food selection is 1/2 cup plai oatmeal, or 1/2 cup unsweetened app sauce, 1/2 cup sugar free pudding, 6 oz light yourt that is less than 90 cals or 1/2 cup non fat cottage cheese.

    Source: Two weeks before the sleeve surgery., what is your dr having you do?

  2. duffman27
    Latest Entry

    My Wife picked me up mid morning for the 90 minute drive to our home. I made myself a spot on the recliner and watched some tube and read. I walked and walked every chance that i could as I did not like the gassy feeling....waking really works to get rid of it. I am happy eating yogurt, cream soups and sugar free pops....My wife and youngest son are leaving for the weekend so I will be home for the weekend with my oldest son. He will be working off and on so I will ahve plenty of time to rest and relax. I did not take any pain meds once home.....

  3. PCB's Blog

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    PCB
    Latest Entry

    What I didn't know last week that I wished I had known.

    How hard it is to actually drink and eat 100 oz.'s daily.

    To check the sugar content before spending $100 on vitamins, softener's, protein supplements and to buy chewable and not something that needs to be crushed as they may taste bad!

    Head hunger.

    The surgery and post op pain was not existent except for the shoulder pain the first two days.

    Exactly what would be prescribed at discharge for the next 30 days before my first check up. Prior to discharge I had an opportunity to ask questions but thinking I would get what most other bloggers got did not ask surgeon. Talking to his nurse is not making me feel secure that I am getting the best advice and I am self medicating to prevent stomach ulcers.

    Looked into what foods to have to varied diet. Seems my diet from Mayo is much different than others. I think more lenient.

    Protein shakes really suck after three weeks.

    I produce enough gas to fill the Good Year Blimp every day.

    How full I stay from morning until I go to bed.

    That a meal would be considered 1/2 cup with 8 oz of skim milk.

  4. I was sitting on the subway while on my way home from work and a "normal" sized girl (wasnt skinny or fat)who looked about my age came and sat right next to me. I caught a glimpse of our reflection in the window across from me and I was surprised at what I saw. I didn't look bigger than her. We both looked like two regular sized girls. It was such a good feeling.

    I just moved from California to New Jersey, but I am working in NYC. this is such a great change,I honestly feel like I am getting anew start.

    As of today I am 209 lbs. I started out at 255 so as of right now I am 46 lbs down,I had my surgery November 19.

    This is truly amazing and I really do love this sleeve. I feel MYSELF again. I have a new found love of life,and it's just the beginning.

  5. I just created an account with this site, and mostly because I have just made two of the biggest changes in my life. I lived in Columbus Ga my entire life and on Feb. 18th 2014 I had Gastric Bypass. Everything was going great, until May 2014 my husband of almost 10 years and in the military and stationed in Fort Benning GA for 11 years received the orders that I dredded and knew would come. PCS orders. I was leaving the place I was born and raised and more importantly just had major surgery and was going to need the biggest support system for at least the first year. We moved, thank God, only 6 hours away to Fort Campbell KY in July 2014. I thankfully was able to continue eating healthy but with 3 kids and the move and my husband going away as soon as we got here to school for 2 months I didn't get much time to exercise. I have been able to continue to lose weight since ive been here and fortunately reached my goal weight of 135. but I realized in the past 2 months, starting November, I have been eating like my old self again. The holidays came and here without mom, brother, grandparents, etc really hit me hard. I have been eating cupcakes, cheesecakes, cookies (Otis spunkmeyers 100cal each!), and even been to krispy Kreme twice and had about 3 donuts over a few hours. This type of eating has put me in a deep depression. I eat these things in a frenzy and so fast to where im like getting it stuck and feeling uncomfortable because I tried to get it down so fast before I can even stop myself. I used to be like this, but in recent years have really put a lot of effort to think things through before I just shoved something in my mouth. I feel like I have really screwed up. I went for the first time to the assigned nutritionist here on post since ive been here and he told me I was eating way too much. That me eating a cup and sometimes a lil over that, at only 10 mos out at the time was terrible. that the most should be 3/4 of a cup. I have been trying to do that but if I don't measure and eat say eggs , like 2 of them I will eat something else like half an apple and before you know it im uncomfortable because im too full. I really need some good guidance. I don't want to be that patient, we all know that patient that lost so much weight and 3 years later full blown obese. Does anyone have any rituals they'd like to pass on or good advise? sorry for this extremely long, detailed book.

  6. blogentry-52788-0-29316700-1420692241_thEven though today was a "good day", I've stopped twice at Dairy Queen in the past week (it's on the main road in my little town), and eaten ice cream.

    And so I keep walking around thinking that I might be this way after I have surgery, I worry that I'll be one of "those people" that go through the pain of recovery, but don't change their habits and don't loose the weight.

    I know I've made huge improvements since starting this lifestyle, but gosh, why can't I just do it with full conviction and give it 100% effort?

    I've attached a photo of two shirts: the blue one is the size I've worn for years (2X). The green is one I bought on an Alaskan cruise in 2012 (we went on bike rides in all the ports). The green shirt is labeled XXLarge - HA HA HA! Someone's idea of a cruel joke?

    What ever. I just want to be able to FIT into the green shirt, I don't give a **** what size it says it is.

    2012 was such a good year for me fitness wise. But like so many things, I didn't finish what I started, so am I just programmed for failure?

    NO NO NO. Must not think this way. Must think positive. The past is just that - the past.

    I'm going to have slip-ups in the future, but they WILL be fewer and further in between.

    OK, I think I'm going to be okay.

  7. Within my dieting history, there has been an era of mindful eating. I had a mindful eating coach, books and ceremonial vessels. None of that intensity compares with my first week as a sleeved person. Even without hunger hormones, I am learning so much about my stomach, sure. More importantly I think, is the knowledge of how far I am willing to go to make the most nutritious ounces, the extra steps on my pedometer, both while lightheaded. I am a painter and my current canvas will surely have some bolder strokes.

    I know there will be bad days, but I am FINALLY mindful of every bite, and the yin yang of being present/long term consequences.

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    VolMommy
    Latest Entry

    Well, I am less than a month from my surgery. Today I was looking at myself in the mirror, and thought here I am now weighing in at 246 lbs and I feel like a disgusting monster. Will I really be able to lose weight with this tool? I haven't seen successful weightloss since my son was born 5 years ago. I have tried it all... except bulimia and anorexia. I have learned that I am addicted to food, and I have been working on this for years. I am ready for this change, but I know it is going to be a hard road.

    I wonder how long it will be before I notice weight loss, I have such major body issues I can see that being a problem for me. I am sure I will never be happy with how I look, but it is something I am working on daily.

    I wonder if there is a group where spouses of those of us that have had surgery can go and learn. My husband does not understand, but I know that he wants to.

    I think that is what I will work on... finding information for him. Maybe if he is positive.....it will make me feel better.

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    Jilibird
    Latest Entry

    I am about 10 years out.. 2 days ago I ate a orange and it got stuck as I call it and I threw it up.. I delt as tho I couldn't keep anything down yesterday.. I did eat a little bit but I didn't feel right and threw up again last night about 5 hours after I had eaten.. Today I feel a little better but not great.. I have been drinking a little but I just ate some cheese toast and it has stayed down but I felt like it wasn't.. Has anyone every has this happen.. I have thrown up quit a bit but this has never happend where I feel I can't eat 2 days later.. Thank u in advance..

  8. WOW! What a year it has been! I read through my blog entries from earlier in the year. I had forgotten just how far I have come! I remembered the obvious – like pounds, meds, etc. I had forgotten the relationship with food. I had forgotten just how limited my mobility was. I had forgotten my initial fears and worries.

    I am a couple of weeks past my one year mark. As of this morning, I have lost 149 pounds since the day of surgery. (113 pounds of that has been fat!) I have lost 172 pounds since the journey began. Additionally, I am off all meds – at one time I was taking 4 BP meds and a cholesterol med. I am on none of those now!

    Since surgery, my BMI has dropped from 62.7 to 40.1. I am still considered obese by the BMI chart, but I am so much closer to a normal weight/BMI than I was. And I have hope of getting there now whereas before I did not.

    Hope is a great word to describe this process for me. Reading those early entries, I was filled with hope! It was amazing to go back through those early posts and see how much hope I had, and the little things that gave me hope. Within a couple of weeks, I was able to wipe my own @ss. I had never even admitted (until TT) that I could no longer handle that very simple, very personal chore. That was how low I had sunk! But that is also what gave me so much hope so early in the process. Honestly, I had trouble even setting goals early on. My goals and dreams were so small. But the more I lost, the more I dared to dream, to hope. And I am seeing those dreams realized! And finding new dreams!

    Another word I would use for this last year is active! I now go and do anything that I choose to do. When I began this journey, I was unable to stand long enough to clean my kitchen or cook. (I had forgotten that!) I would sit in my desk chair and roll around the kitchen to clean or cook. I was unable to walk to the mailbox, too. Now, I do not even think about that; or taking out the trash; or walking the dog; or going to the grocery store; or any of those other daily chores that I was no longer able to do just over a year ago. This summer, I was doing my own yard work. I was cleaning the pool myself. Just this week, I painted a room in my house. I moved furniture, did the ladder work, cleaned up the subsequent mess and moved the furniture back - all in one day - all by myself. And was fully recovered by the next day! That told me even more! Not only that I was able to do all of that, but I did not even feel it the next day. WOW!

    Along with these feelings of self-confidence have come a lot of other intangibles that I never even expected. I have met a wonderful man and have been dating him for several months now. That was certainly never on my goals list for this year! LOL While I do believe that some of it is a result of the weight loss, not all of it is strictly weight. I would never have had the nerve to even step out, let alone accept a date. I think more of it can be contributed to the internal changes in me - the confidence, the hope, the strength that I have found since WLS. The feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy that were there when I was at my highest weight are gone! I am confident and self-assured. I am no longer self-conscious about my body, my weight. Even the sagging skin is not an issue for me. I have been fortunate – and worked hard – and a lot of the skin has bounced back. I have very little sagging on my legs or arms. No more than what I would expect on a 50-year-old arm anyway. I don’t expect to look like a 20-year-old! LOL My stomach sags but I think of it as a badge of honor - as a reminder of where I was and where I came from. My feelings about all of this may change as I continue to lose weight and get closer to my goal - or if/when the time comes for my new fellow to see me naked! LOL

    What a year it has been! I have had my struggles as well. It has not all been a bed of roses. I have lost three close family members this year. I dealt with illness early after my surgery (flu – not complications). I have had health scares that I am still dealing with (not surgery or weight related). I have felt so much better equipped to deal with these issues over the course of the year, though. It was difficult initially. I had to find a new way to deal with my problems, something other than turning to food, stuffing down my feelings. That was scary at first! And frustrating! But I have learned to feel this year. I feel all emotions now! That’s not to say that I like them all! LOL But I do feel them, I live with them, and then I move on. If I need to process something, I hit the gym instead of eating. My life is truly unrecognizable!

    And speaking of unrecognizable – I have posted photos here. The before photo was taken the day of surgery. The after was taken Dec. 28 (54 weeks after surgery). The weight loss is obvious, but I what I notice and love even more is the facial expression. I look – happy! I AM happy!

    blogentry-45193-0-29110700-1419982295_th

    blogentry-45193-0-07791400-1419982332_th

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    I had my surgery on January 28, 2013. January 28th is my birthday and I felt that this was the best gift I could ever get. It has been. Things started a little rough - I got dehydrated,blood pressure fell and so did I! I got sent to the closest hospital not the one at which I had surgery by ambulance and their ER staff decided I had an embolism (have a history of blood clots). By the time they filled me with Heparin and had to put a line in my neck because no other veins were accessible, they decided to send me to the hospital at which I had surgery. Straight to the Resuscitation Room (got scared all over again afterwards when I figured out what that meant!)and after they got me stable, off I went to emergency surgery and had 1 gallon of blood clots removed from my stomach. 5 days in ICUon a ventilator and 5 on the regular surgical recovery floor.

    BUT....it was not due to the surgery...it was due to me not driniking enough fluids. In the ensuing 11 months I am down 100 pounds and a total 0f 140 pounds since I first joined the Bariatric program. People that haven't seen me in a while don't recognize me and I am having a great time shopping for smaller clothes. I can wear boots AND zip both of them up for the first time in 20 years!!! Ooops...maybe I am having too much fun?!!

    It has been absolutely worth it - there were parts that were very hard and recovery was hampered by my own foolishness. BUT - it is the best thing I have ever done. Just remember...when they say...sip...sip...sip.. they MEAN it!!

  9. jilliebeanmn
    Latest Entry

    I've slacked off. I admitted that in my last post---then did nothing about it. Well, it's time to re-focus. I've not gained any weight, but I haven't lost anything either, and I REALLY want to get to goal.

    So, I am re-focusing again.

    I am going to start tracking my food again and get back in the gym. Starting today! I got a fitbit flex to help me get accountable to myself again.

    I can do this!

  10. Well, it's been what, ummmm couple of months now since my surgery and i have lost 19 pounds since then, 33 pounds since after my pre-op diet and 44 pounds since i first went in to talk t my surgeon about this operation. I have gone from size 3X to an 18 and measure more than I weigh. I feel great and can do so much more than I used to be able to do before my heart makes me take a break. I pretty much have my eating down and the only thing I still have great trouble with is getting all my fluids in...I have never been one to drink much of anything and never drank while eating......it's something i have to work on constanly

  11. Yesterday, I came home from the hospital and immediately stepped on the scale. There it was, in front of my eyes, the number saying I'd lost 100 pounds in the past eight months. That's about 25 pounds more than I'd set as a goal. When I set the goal, it never occurred to me that I could be a normal size. I was happy at the idea of being almost normal.

    I read a lot, almost obsessively, about what to expect from weight loss surgery, and what not to expect. The basics were there in the teaching and literature. I know what and how much I can eat and drink. I know about vitamins and how to order in restaurants. What I couldn't have known, and what I'm still trying to figure out, is how to act like a normal sized person. I can do almost anything physically now, but I will tell myself I can't. I look normal, even, with my body frame, tiny, and I'm finally believing that I look okay. I've spent a lifetime wondering how normal people think about food, how they dress, what they think about everything, as though their size really had anything to do with any of that. And now I find myself wondering if I'm acting normal. Am ;I obsessed about this weight thing, this looks thing? I am, after all, 62 years old. I have aged. I don't have fat to pad the wrinkles anymore.

    I am truly like a baby in so many ways. I am discovering my body just as an infant does. I lay in bed and feel bones I didn't know I had. I have ribs and can count them. When I look in the mirror, I see bones in my chest that I've only seen on women in slinking low cut dresses. I can feel my hip joints. Sometimes I run my hands along my cheekbones, marveling at the new contour of my face. I can wear a turtleneck sweater without fat bulging from the neck. My arms, except for loose skin at the top, are really small. I can put my fingers around my wrist. I can look ok in any hair style.

    Lest I forget where I was, I can also lay in bed and feel the loose skin where my stomach was. In a grotesque way that only someone who's lost this much weight would understand, I can fold ;my stomach vertically. My naked body is not a pretty sight, and I know that the next guy I sleep with will have to love me for more than my body.

    I mentioned that I just came home from the hospital. It was the second bout of pancreatitis in a month brought on, they think, by stones in my bile duct caused by the rapid weight loss. I've lost about half the hair on my head, again due to the quick weight loss.

    When I had my six month checkup after the surgery, they took my "after" picture. The side view in particular was someone I did not recognize, I looked like a teenaged hoy. No @*#. No boobs. But I was normal. I would no longer be stared at. People wouldn't not automatically think I'm a slob, no matter how impeccably I dressed. They could not look at me and assume I'm lazy or disabled.

    I'm no longer diabetic or hypertensive. I can walk pretty much as far as I want to. If someone invites me on a hike, I don't beg out. If someone asks me to dance I'm still no good at it, but I'm not embarrassed to try.

    Of course I have more energy. It amazes me that people really ask that question. Would you have more energy if you'd been carrying around 100 pounds and got rid of that burden? I have a job as a nanny which involves carrying a two year old up and down stairs several times. I would not have that job if I hadn't done this surgery. I couldn't carry myself up stairs. I could tell you where all the department store elevators are.

    Am I a different person? I am and I'm not. Thankfully, I expect to live a lot longer. But I still spend more money than I should, especially on clothes. And yes, I still struggle with food and using it for something other than energy. If I'm in a bad mood I want to eat the wrong thing. If I'm celebrating, I want to eat the wrong thing.

    I'd ;be lying if I didn't write that I wanted to lose weight simply to look better and, more specifically, at attract men. I had this notion that, since I was this incredible person wit so much going for me other than what I looked like that, once I lost weight I'd have them knocking my door down. That hasn't happened. First, it's hard to meet decent guys at my age. Second, maybe I'm not that incredible person who's so irresistible. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just normal.

    For now, I'm working on normal, and everything that means. The good, the bad, the lessons, the trials. Of just being normal. I've never been normal. I'm learning how to be normal in every sense of the word. And it will probably take a lot longer than it did to simply become a smaller person.

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    Fiona53
    Latest Entry

    Hello all

    I had my gastric bypass on 15th December 2014. I have been suffering with awful wind in my neck, shoulders, arms and back. I can't sleep, the pain keeps me awake. I spent 2 hours last night swinging my arms around to relieve the pain. I still have it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of it please?

    Thank you

    Fiona

  12. Eluna
    Latest Entry

    it's funny how our tastes change, just three months ago, I couldn't stand the quest chips, now, I consider them not so bad for a crunchy mid morning snack (since I drink my breakfast at 5am I have a light snack at 9am)--yet, I tried the quest pb cups (they came in my box of samples---I one one of The Bariatric Foodie's contests!) I ate one out of the package of two, and now I can't get this "off" sweet taste out of my mouth.

    Since starting school I've also taken to carrying ostrich/beef jerky around all the time so I have a snack if I stay later than 3pm too! (Learned THAT lesson the hard way in my 3rd lab--I suddenly felt a little like I was going to pass out!!) Luckily my lab instructor has had WLS as well, so she keeps things around that are WLS friendly in her office! I've learned that while it feels like my sugar is dropping, usually it's not really below 80 or so if I go more than 3 or 4 hours without eating something, Usually just some protein makes me feel better.

    Learning to live again is hard work!

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    rdsm7376
    Latest Entry

    My pain is minimal however I have a consistent ache on my left side and I am only able to drink About three or four sips at a time. I'm concerned that I am not getting in enough fluids. Is this normal? I am also still having gas pain and no bowel movement.

  13. Tomorrow I start my pre op diet. My anxiety is high - so is my fear of failure. I feel I have never been successful in weight loss for over 15 years so why should this time be any different? I know it is the right thing to do, I also can admit I am stubborn enough to stick to hard things. So with that --BRING IT ON!

    I still wonder what is going to happen? Is it really possible for ME to lose weight? I guess this is a trial of: Do I trust the answers I have received to move forward with this plan? Do I trust the process? Do I have the faith to allow it to work for me? Will it all be worth it? I can answer YES to each question. So it is time to get out of my self pity wallow and enjoy today.

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    ithinkican
    Latest Entry

    You’re Not The

    Only Fat Girl Trying

    Autobiography by

    Michelle Modugno

    Soooo, it’s four in the morning and I just woke up. Once awake my brain hops into overdrive. I rehash the moment at dinner last night when my nephew reminds me, as he does every time he sees me, “you’re chubby”. And as I sit here typing this, my eyes well up with tears at my very private pain. At the time , I thought to myself, Dave, you @*#,(my brother whom I love dearly) correct your child so he doesn’t grow up to be another ego centric, emotionally impotent, American drone I face every day in world. The world either doesn’t see me at all or I am viewed as lazy, undisciplined, uneducated, and lacking in self-respect, dignity and work ethic. I assure you, I am far from those descriptors and this is my story:

    I grew up in sunny Canyon Country California. It was a pretty great place to grow up, friendly neighborhood, pool in most backyards, and kids everywhere, my friends had brothers that were my brother’s friends. Summer days were spent walking to seven eleven, riding bikes in our “bike gang”, swimming in each other’s pools, going to magic mountain, endless summer days with endless summer things to do.

    Every other weekend I went to my dad’s house in San Fernando. During the summers with him we would sail. When looking back on sailing, memories flood me of some of the happiest times of my life. I loved to sail with my dad. But it was not without its torture. I probably began sailing somewhere around ten years old. My older siblings were farmed out as crew to other sailors in our fleet. That left the skippers wives able to lounge in the sun sipping wine coolers while their husbands and one of my siblings raced the day away on the lake. Sounds nice so far right? Registration was always at the crack of dawn. I’d wake up with dad and the others, throw on some flip flops and head down to get weighed in. 10 years old 130lbs and a very public weigh in, AWESOME! I remember very clearly how my Dad said to me one time after getting weighed in for a race, “Michelle, if you stay that weight, you’ll be just fine”. Well that’s $!)(#*$ great, how the hell am I supposed to do that?, I thought. My angst was quickly denigrated as we pushed the prindle cat out on to the lake. I loved to be in the harness (except for the moments leading up to it where I would wonder if it would fit properly) and snap on to the cables attached to the mast and fly. Life was good again.

    I was an average kid. I was well-liked and had plenty of friends and wasn’t bullied. I was confident. I was strong. All of us kids stayed busy with activities. Throughout elementary school and junior high I was enrolled in varies sports including gymnastics, soccer, softball, swim team and dance. In high school I played a season of basketball and a season of softball, I took weight training as an elective and I did aerobics after school. I was active.

    My diet was what every other kid around the dinner table was eating, Pork chop, ricearoni, and some sort of vegetable. I ate just the same as my siblings unless mom was dieting, then I was dieting. I was probably 8 when I went on my first diet with her. We cut calories and slashed fat, we drank cabbage soup and slim fast, not at the same time but you know what I mean. We put on leotards and sweat to the oldies and trained with Jane Fonda.

    I moved to Oregon when I was a freshman. By high school my mom would bribe me to lose weight. (God love you mom, I know you were trying your best!) She would buy me an incredible outfit two sizes too small. I was probably a size 16 at the time, which is different than today’s 16. I weighed about 170 lbs. I never got into that outfit and it hung in my closet long after it was no longer fashionable. By my junior year my mom told me that if I lost 30 lbs she would buy me an entire wardrobe! Throw the old wardrobe out and fill it will all new trendy cute clothes with matching accessories. I started taking premeasured slim fast powder school and I would add a school milk to it for lunch. Strawberry was my favorite. I never earned the wardrobe, although I was never lacking cute clothes. Mom loved to shop.

    I married my husband at 20 and had my first child at 22, my second at 24. By the time I had my second child my weight had reached 289. I was still working out regularly but my diet had changed. My husband was a vegetarian and had been his entire life. Pasta became the main stable for meals mostly because it was cheap and we were poor. Pasta with cheese, pasta with creams, baked pasta, pretty much anyway you could prepare pasta we ate it. Pasta with a side of fruit and veggies became my normal meal, oh ya and casseroles. My vegetarian diet was killing me. I was still working out though, I went to the YMCA three times a week for step aerobics.

    By the time my kids were about 2 and 4 we moved into town from the country. I began adding bike riding to my routine. I was doing the whole “no fat diet” and REALLY trying to shed the weight. I would put my kids in the bike cart and tow them the 8 miles to the YMCA, then do my step aerobics class and then ride them back home. I began running too. GAWD how I hate to run. I built up to running the entire loop which at the time was 5 miles. YAY me right? On the last leg of that five mile (the first time I had run it without stopping once) a kindly person jogged passed me cheering me on. Weird, I thought, no one else has their own personal cheerleader out here. That’s right, the fat girl probably needs a little extra help. I had managed to get down to 230 by this time. $!)(#*$ yay, still obese. I started adding in water aerobics to the existing routine, although I have never run again. The YMCA asked me to become a water aerobics instructor and I was stoked. I continued with the biking, step aerobics, and water aerobics. Shortly after I was asked to teach floor aerobics at the YMCA’s senior outreach center. I never made it under 230lbs. Throughout this time, my sister in Law would join me in my diet/exercise attempts. We were weight warriors together, and I was grateful for the teamwork. I would watch as the weight fell of her at a steady pace while I held strong at my size 20. I was as strong as a damn horse though, and my blood work was always perfect.

    After a while of expecting some progress and just not getting it you give up and eat like a normal person. That’s what I did. I ate like my friends ate. They all stayed the same weight and my weight began to climb back up. I continued to moderately exercise throughout the next few years, but it would be a while before I attacked like that again. I instead focused on getting my teaching license. While working on my BA Atkins became increasingly more popular and, what the hell, I gave it a try. My weight had climbed back up to 260lbs. I started eating meat, cheese, and vegies and over a year was down to 220 lbs. That diet is unsustainable, although I did learn a better approach to eating from it. Eliminating entire groups of food can only last so long. Off limit foods crept back in and I was back to 260.

    I left my husband when I was 35 and I was weighing in at that magic number of… 260. I began attacking my health issues again head on. Mind you, I had never stopped working out. This tells me how important diet is for most of us. I moved into a small apartment with my two boys. I rode my bike to the gym and worked out and then rode back home. I started doubling up on classes and lifting weights and was eating a diet of lean meats, veggies and fruit. The weight began to VERY slowly come off. I joined the Umpqua Valley roller Vixens(roller derby). My dad bought me a new bike and I started riding distances. My works outs looked like this: Back to back turbo kick and zoomba and then to 2 hours of skate practice. Biking ten miles on days I didn’t skate or gym. My legs looked like Arnold Swartsaneggars before he was the govenator. Still 230 lbs. spring had hit and I decided to save some money and just do biking and skating. I rode a loop of 32 miles averaging 100 miles a week, plus skating 6 hours a week. I remember I was standing on a small piece of wood trying to peer over a fence on my tippy toes and my friend said” HOLY SHIOT look at Michelle’s legs!” I was ripped from the waist down and still weighing 230.( I can hear the little choir of people saying “muscle weights more that fat!”, I was not 230 lbs of muscle people)

    Then my miracle, My Dad said he would pay for me to have weight loss surgery. HALA**** LUYA!I Mind you, somewhere in the back of my head I still felt like a failure. It’s the one thing in life I have set my mind to and not accomplished and now I was cheating. I did all the checkups and got the psyche eval, and began my liquid only diet prior to the surgery. Pre surgery I asked my doctor how long until I can work out again? I didn’t want to lose momentum. The surgery went well I lost 30 lbs the first month and then slowed to two pounds a week. I was freaking stoked. For the first time my body was reacting the way it should when you reduce calories. Granted it was a drastic reduction of calories, I was drinking most my meals and eating less than a half a cup of food three times a day. But I was satisfied and losing weight. I could do this forever! With the lap band a small ring is placed around the top of your stomach and sewn into place creating a small pouch for a stomach. Saline is injected into the band periodically to tighten it up, making an even smaller pouch. I was scheduled to have the band tighten for the first time a few months after the surgery. The doctor put in 4 cc’s of fluid to tighten the band, had me drink some water and sent me on my way. By the time I got home I couldn’t swallow. I called the office and was told that sometimes it is irritating to have a fill. Drink luke warm water and wait for the swelling to subside, Stay on liquids only for the next few days. I followed doctors’ orders exactly. Three days later I was dehydrated and still not keeping more than a sip down. Vomiting with any more than that. I went back and they removed the liquid and returned the band to the original position. I was still losing 2 lbs a week and eating very very little food.( two pounds people, that is what a doctor will tell you is a healthy loss when moderately exercising and eating a sensible diet) My band experience was never the same once they started the filling and unfilling of the band.. I struggled with fluids and vomited solid foods. I was hospitalized a couple of times for iv fluids. I returned to my doc to learn that the band had slipped at some point and I essentially had no stomach pouch. The band had to be repositioned or removed. I opted for removal, I was sick, soooo sick. This thing had to go. For the first time in my life I was in my healthy weight rage and it was killing me, literally. 155lbs and size 8, I can do this I thought, I can eat small healthy portions and exercise and just maintain my weight. No more weight loss just maintain.

    My weight began to climb almost immediately. I ate fresh fruit and veggies and protein and my weight climbed by two pounds each week. I was desprite not to gain the weight back and determined to not put anything in my mouth that didn’t belong there. Every day the scale greeted me with the reality that I was gaining weight. Then I broke my leg in derby. @~$&! I was non weight bearing for 4 months and then a slow road to recovery beyond that. In walks depression. A lifetime of weight struggle and a momentary glimpse of a thin me followed by rapid weight gain and NOW limited mobility. Once healed I began riding again and skating but I quickly discovered my skating was a thing of the past. Too damn old to get hurt again and my range of motion issues prevented me from being competitive anyway. Roller derby out. I kept riding and even participated in an organized ride where I rode for 55 miles in a day. Cool right? Especially since I was back up to 230 by this point. #%$?

    It has become apparent I cannot do this on my own, so for the second time I am considering weight loss surgery. My doctor believes i[m1] am a perfect candidate for gastric bypass. I have begun the steps for insurance approval but it isn’t looking good. I am too damn healthy, not fat enough and no health problems. HMMM what to do now?.....

    I was recently inspired by Fat Sick and nearly dying and bought a juicer. I went on a 7 day juice fast and lost ten pounds. For the three weeks following the fast I have replaced two meals a day with veggie juice and then I would eat a healthy dinner, I have lost one lb in those three weeks. I know that it very good for me because I am consuming WAY more vegetables than I was before, so there is that I guess. I am a juice pusher so we have a juicer at work now and most of the staff makes a veg juice to eat with their lunch, I just have juice. I introduced juice to my tiny friend Sarah who has struggled with hormonal headaches, She could not fast because she was losing weight and couldn’t afford to. But she’s is still adding juice to her diet. Can you possibly know how frustrating that is? To consume the same thing as 115 lb woman and I at 260 not have even close to the results.

    I will continue to eat healthy and be sad and frustrated with my results. It is actually worse now than ever because I have now had a brief glimpse into the world of skinny people. I didn’t really know or notice the discrepancy before my surgery, but now I know and it sucks.

    The world hates fat bitches!

    Today I rafted the beautiful Umpqua River with a group of wonderful people. I started the day feeling particular good because in my mad obsession with the scale, I stepped on this morning weighing in at 254. Down six pounds booya! Slipped into my two piece tankini and thought I work hard for the body I have and today I am ok with it. Packed up my inflatable Kayak and some snacks, sugar snaps, watermelon, and a small baggy of cashews. A canteen of water and one of unsweetened tea and made my way to the river. Dropped my float into the water and was on my way loving life. I was having a great day, life was good, no GREAT! We beached along the way to dip in the water and fix up some of our gear. The shore was loaded with people of all ages who were out enjoying the sun and water the same as we were. I swam through the water enjoying the sensations of weightless coolness against my sun drenched skin. Seriously, what more could I ask for? On shore I bent to grab some watermelon out of my cooler when I heard the two teenage boys behind me whisper” no one should have to see that! I feel a Facebook post coming on” . $!)(#*$ awesome! I almost turned around to offer the boys some water melon just to let them know…Hello nice human here, not a thing ruining your scenery. But instead I walked all the way around the tubes and rafts so that when I went to put the Mellon away I was facing the opposite direction. We left shortly after that and returned to our float. I shook it off and had a great time.

    The biggest Looser is coming to Portland and I am going to be in that line, and I was. I waited in a line of fat people waiting for the chance for guidance and hope to a better them. My friend Sarah by my side, we made jokes at our own expense while waiting for hours after driving three for the long shot. And why not laugh at ourselves after all look around, we were quite literally in a line of billions of pounds. As we got closer to the door we were, much to our dismay, informed that there were just too many people and they were not taking any more applicants. Well damn, thanks sucks! It wasn’t a total loss because Sarah and I can make anytime a good time.

    Would you like to know what my plan was for getting on the show? Of course you would, why the hell else would you be reading this? I planned to start with some burpies. A burpie is when you start standing up, reach down to the ground, jump your feet back to a plank, jump your feet back to your hands and JUMP into the air and land. I HATE BURPIES, but I am strong and I can do them. After that flamboyant show of 260lbs of core strength I planned on saying the following: I challenge you to make it work for me, prove me wrong in my belief that I am NOT like everyone else. Prove to me that my body will respond the way the other contestants bodies do. I will face every challenge you have to offer with the sheer determination that you’ve never before seen in a contestant and I will do it with a smile on my face and an attitude of gratitude. Pretty good right?

    I also wanted to be on survivor. Why you ask? Because those skinny little bitches ( I am sure they are lovely people) could never out swim, out climb, or out balance me. How do I know this? Because none of my peers could out swim, out climb out balance me. (Until recently. A couple of them are starting to come to terms with not being in our 20”s any more) I remember this time my friend Amy and I were going to do Yoga. I was all jazzed about my newest addition to my routines, long and lean yoga, the trainer’s edge. I literally would poor sweat from this yoga and it made feel stronger and taller. I also noticed that my longer bike rides were causing less hip discomfort with the added yoga. WIN WIN and I enjoyed it win win win! I don’t know how I convinced this woman to do it in the first place but I had somehow managed. Amy, does not like to exercise AT ALL. She’s a beautiful woman with a hourglass figure, a mother of three and a size 8. @~$& YOU AMY (she knows my struggle, she’s ok with a friendly little @~$& off now and then, I say it with love(and hate) but mostly love). So we began our slow accent into yoga, simple stretches to open the body and relax. Ten minutes later we moving quickly from high push up to low push up and I look over and AMY is flat on her face! Amy get up I say, come on we are barley started and she really couldn’t and I was mad about it. LOL I can’t really tell you why. (Hopefully she’s as cool with me telling this story as she is with me being irritated at her thinness.) You know why I am strong. The obvious reason is because I have never given up on exercise. I may wander from it now and then but I always, always come back and have done so ALL MY LIFE. But that isn’t really the whole reason. I am strong because while I am exercising, doing stupid, painful ,hateful, burpies , I am carrying 13, 10 pound sacks of potatoes. @~$& YA I am strong and so is my heart. Perfect blood pressure btw. The truth is I would likely not have made it on survivor, because TV loves beautiful woman and by America’s standard I am not one. The chance of my shirt coming up over my belly as I army crawled through mud might risk viewer ratings and that would have to weigh against how much ratings a morbidly obese woman dominating in the physical arena would bring in. In my fat person brain, classic sex appeal trumps the unexpected. That’s my guess anyway, based on the information I have gained through my now 40 years of experience. The world doesn’t like fat bitches. Now here is the real CRAZY part, and believe me I see it. When I analyze my motivation for being a contestant on the show, it was not money or fame. It was to prove to the world that I am not lazy and how sad is it that I feel the need to prove that to anyone? But I am always trying to prove that to people, here watch me do this burpie.

    Worse than that my desire for people to know that I do not and have never sat down and ate an entire loaf of bread or gallon of ice cream, and that I am active and trying ALL the time drives me so much that I find ways to drop it into the conversation. Yep, I do that.” Yesterday while I was riding my ten mile ride, I was thinking that”…..or” I almost didn’t get my yoga in today because”….. No one $!)(#*$ cares about that Michelle, get to the point. But that was the point. Did you catch that I didn’t sit on my @*# and eat bon- bons all day? It was neatly tucked into that conversation about cat food. You know what’s really refreshing on a hot day like today? Kale apple cucumber juice YUM ( it really is yummy but people are like ya that’s gross dude!)

    So I mention Sarah earlier, my biggest looser compadre. She has recently lost 56 lbs. Amazing right? As she likes to say, she has lost a kindergartener. I am truly happy for her because I remember how it feels to lose the weight. The world see you differently.( see the motivation there, what the others think) But, my happiness for her does not mean I do not feel bitter and resentful. If I had to analyze how Sarah lost the weight, and I would say Sarah would agree, I would come to the following conclusion. Sarah went through a time where she was very idle and her living situation was less than stellar and depression was definitely a factor. In addition she medicates with thc which tends to stimulate your appetite. Her food choices include many good things but also a fairly consistent supply of fast food. Sarah made a change to better her life and self and moved. She got a fast passed waitressing job where she had to hustle. She busted her @*# at that job. Her diet has not changed. In short, she was no longer depressed and in an often vegged out state and had drastically increased her physical activity and the weight trickled off at a healthy pace, taking about a year to lose 56 lbs with no sign of stopping. Eventually it will indeed stop unless she changes her diet but that could be when she has lost another 20 or thirty pounds , putting her squarely in the overweight category and NOT OBESE.

    So as you can imagine, it pisses me off when I see her eating Arbys or KFC and still dropping the $!)(#*$ weight. #%$ man! It’s not fair! Actually it is fair. Her body is reacting to the increased activity the way it’s supposed to, by shedding pounds and building mass. It’s just not fair that mine doesn’t. It’s also not fair that people judge me for it. Fair or not it is what it is.

    There’s a little more to Sarah’s story and I am only privy to this one event although I am quite sure there are so many more to be told. But this one is enough for another demonstration of how cruel people are to other perfectly wonderful people. Sarah, while at her fast paced hustling waitressing job, had the opportunity to wait on a large group of women. Women, are like a bunch vultures picking on the slightest sign of someone’s weakness to make themselves feel better about their own world, especially when in a pack. I can say that because I am one, and I am not above it sometimes, although it’s embarrassing and against everything I want to be as a person. So, said pack of women, ordered their drinks and their meals and wanted individual tickets and all the while Sarah is busting her @*# to do her job, and do it well. While filling the drink orders she over hears the women discussing how gross Sarah is and she is sweating like a FAT PIG. Now I get it, I am not above understanding that sweat and eating out are not exactly a recipe for a fine dining experience, but she was busting her @*#. Meanwhile, Sarah, crushed and in tears tries to pull herself together so she can do her job. The one she has to do to pay the rent, ya that one. She manages to straighten her spine, march straight back to the table with a smile on her face and proceeds to cater to their every whim and provide the very best possible service to her table. Before the women left, they said “you are really great waitress and provide great service. It was like you knew what we wanted before we even asked”. Sarah, with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, simply said, Thank you. Her 56 pound weight loss felt a little less great that day. With so much to be proud of, the cruelness of a couple people who walked away never knowing the pain they inflicted, by careless tossing out words they word never think of again. And why was Sarah so determined to provide such great service to the very cruelty that wounded her. Because what else can we do? If not to straighten our backs and pretend to be untouched, then to be completely broken.

    This is not one person, nor one incident. This is happening every day to good people battling their own demons just as you are. Is it really so much to ask that we look to each other with compassionate eyes and try to build people up. Yes it is, because there is a defining of fat that is so ingrained in our society that it has momentum of its own. Even, I morbidly obese and determined to find the secret to being a healthy weight am guilty. Because I see myself that way too.

    In the diet relm of things, I believe I had last left you with my new juicing behavior which I think is pretty sound. I know for sure that I am consuming a larger variety of vegetable and a larger quantity. Making sure I count the calories and eat healthy unprocessed food should result in a pretty good nutrition plan. I think the same is true for green smoothies. My latest research in the diet world is intermittent fasting. The idea is to only eat during limited hours. For example, I begin eating at 11 am and stop and seven pm.It takes the body 6-8 hours to digest a meal. So by 3 in the morning my fuel should have been used leaving fat reserves to be used as fuel. So when I wake up at eight in the morning and do my daily thing I am burning fat fuel. At ten o’clock I do an hour of exercise still running on fat. This makes since to me from a logical standpoint and long as the food you’re putting in is still the healthy meals you were shooting for before. I have begun IF and I am still juicing and eating lean meats and vegies and yatta yatta yatta. I swear dieting is my addiction I am consumed by it. Now here is the truly ironic part of the societal distaste for fatness. No matter what I do I am a $!)(#*$ crazy woman. You mean to tell me you’re not eating for 16 hours a day. You’ll go into starvation mode. BULLSHIT. When I had the band I ate a ½ cup 3 times a day and protein shakes. The myth of starvation mode is that is you don’t eat enough your body holds onto like a hibernating bear. Obviously that is not true. You are juicing your vegetables? That’s stupid and weird just eat it. Like I can eat all those fruits and veggies whole, it’s a ton and half minus a spoon. It really doesn’t matter what “diet” or plan I am on, someone’s got something to say about it. Just eat less and move more Michelle. The weight will come off.( and the crowd goes wild)

    The real kicker, and I have seen this with my own eyes, is that if a fit person is drinking a green juice the response is commonly something like “your such a health nut, gross”. I think people think “health nut” because obviously they are so nutty about it that it works. They are indeed fit. Now that very same juice in my hand and people see something that is ridiculous and outlandish because guess what I am still fat. If it works after a while then they will eventually change their tune and be post supportive. (Super helpful) The very worst part is that while I am totally gung ho and motivated on something that I am hopeful will finally meet my wacky bodies needs to lose weight, I advocate for it. Try this yoga, try this juice, hey this fasting thing makes sense to me. Meanwhile NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. I weigh today 254 (remember my little jubilees weigh in pre river trip, down a few) When I weighed in pre surgery for the lab band nearly four years ago I weighed 260. There is a little mini crowd in the corner saying, well maybe that’s just where your body needs wants to be. Yes I heard that people. (It’s a small group but I have been told that) My response to that? How long are my knees, back, joints, heart, my body in general, how long can it tote around those thirteen ten pound sacks of potatoes without giving out?

    The answer? Longer than if I stop trying.

    That would be a great ending to this story if the following hadn’t just happened. I thrashed this personal story out in chunkish writing and just word vomited the story all over the screen. I wanted some insight as to if it was an interesting read and I know a writer so I asked him to read it. I was utterly dumbfounded by his response. Initially he said” That's an inspirational story. Very honest. Lots of depth. Actually, it gave me a profound respect for you and your quest”. I thought great it may have provoked some emotion and some understanding. I don’t know what I was going for but that sounds pretty good. He followed that statement with “what I really liked about it was you don’t use self-pity. It’s strong. It doesn’t show weakness but desire.” Okay, I think there is a little bit of self-pity laced through the story but yes, definitely strong. And then came the ton of bricks. My friend went onto say that he himself was trying to lose about 20 pounds and man that *&^% is hard but if he just lost a pound a week he would get there. What I wouldn’t do to lose a pound a week! If I took a conservative past eight years of effort and lost a mere pound a week and had success I would be a microchip. A pound a week? I would settle for a consistent 1/8 pound a week. I replied to him, Yes for most people it is a struggle, for me it is a mathematical formula I have yet solve. I keep trying new variables but the outcome isn’t changing to match the significant change in the variables ie diet and exercise. He responded with” Let me send you a picture of something... I'm going to help you a bit. See everyone's body is an equation and they're all different. Something you need to kick start the body. Go to GNC. Ask them about Thermogenesis. Especially this one”. Wait what? Are you kidding me right now? So I tell him of course I have been to GMC I have quite literally done it all or some version of it all or I am about to it, in the process of doing all all all all all! That part was just in my head. How frustrating! Then he says Baby steps. Baby steps? Baby steps, I don’t understand did you not just read my story where I took the baby step latter beginning at eight years old only to figure out at 40 I was on tread mill all a long? The conversation moves along with him telling me. NOS is Nitric oxide. Gives the body more oxygen. Go to GNC and get some free sample. If you want l can send you some.( I hear the GMC CEO’s raising the roof, yes our boy understands, preach it my brother). And he does understand. The Mimi featured in the beginning of this story is the female version of this man. He has biceps like small hummers tucked in his shirts. I am certain under that meat cutter apron is that holy cow V line that we women love. Oxygen or the lack of is why what I am doing doesn’t work. (The crowd of voices chimes in again “no you fool it’s your poor choices and sedentary life style” @~$& off crowd and read the story again) Now I am sure if I read up this product I will find evidence to support why this expensive product will help to kick start my efforts and get me on track. I have found that if you research long enough you’ll find some way to support any idea. My fiends goes on to say you’re trying to do it too fast Baby steps Michelle. His bottom line? “Eat better, lift weights, and get supplements.”

    And that is when understanding hits me. This story, my story, was yet another failed attempt to convince people of normal weight that being morbidly over weight isn’t always the product of poor lifestyle, and fail at that I have. I will never ever convince a person who has increased activity and decreased calories that it just doesn’t always work because their experience proves otherwise. There will always be the fats and non-fats. So my fellow fatties I guess I am writing it for you. Not all of you and maybe not most of you. But the ones who, by some freak of nature thing are trying and showing no growth. For those of you who are indulging in fast food and not forcing yourself into some sort of exercise STOP IT. You are killing yourself and it’s going to be a skeletal achy death. But you the few, you the dedicated, you who take on the cruelty as if you eat your way through a cheese block on the way to work but in reality are munching on sugar snaps, carry on because to do otherwise, would be to break. We will for all intents and purposes continue to seek the formula that works for us while other suggests the magic pill and yet still others mock you for trying such a stupid @*# trick when so obviously it all boils down to calories in/calories out.

    I had sleeve surgery last week 11/18/14. This will be the end of the war. I fought and lost many battles but TRIUMPH WILL BE MINE! I will take the victory lap and hear the exaggerated voice of the commentator say” and now weighing in at 145 lbs in the light weight category, taking the final lap its Michelle Modugno!” AND I myself will be my judge! I myself will stay on the path of the victorious and hang tight to my crown of victory and NEVER LET IT GO!

    [m1] A perfec

    Edited by cinwa, Yesterday, 03:22 PM.

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  14. I know Christmas means bah humbug for some people, but I've always loved it. Now, with my weight down to normal, and shopping not so hard to do anymore, and a new job starting in a few days, and.... I could go on and on! God has blessed me, and I am looking for ways to bless others this Christmas. That is fun, and very humbling. I live in a mobile home park. No, it's not the best place to be, but I have a good landlord. He has put up with my pickyness for almost 7 years and does not want me to move, even though I have been making noises about doing so. Could it be because I pay my rent and take care of the place? Probably.

    So last Christmas, I made dozens of cookies and candies (ate a few, but not much - sugar feels like codeine in my system and I hate that feeling), put them in plastic bags, and on Christmas morning, stuck a sign out in front of my trailer, inviting everyone to come in and be blessed. I handed out cookies and bookmarks from our church bookstore throughout the day. That was a hit all the way around. This year, I want to do something similar, but not exactly the same. Maybe cookies and candy again? Maybe some little toys for the children?

    What do you all do to give back at Christmas time? Do you have some ideas I could borrow?

    Thanks, and have a blessed Christmas!

    Leora