http://www.thinnertimesforum.com/blog/1788-brookensteins-blog/ Sun, 24 Feb 2013 00:00:39 +0000 jrcallery@gmail.com (Thinner Times® Forum) IP.Blog 60 http://www.thinnertimesforum.com/blog/1788/entry-6355-f-this/
After all the work/ effort, sweat and tears and torment in my head over trying to get this surgery and it probably wont even be happening. For the last 2 years off and on but at least the last 8 months I have been dedicated to getting this surgery and doing all my best to get it and they change their policy December of last year?! I miss the cut off date by a couple of months. Who the heck requires a 2 year diet? Is 8 months of weighing in and losing 30 lbs not enough? Is being fat for the last 9 years not enough? Is having sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high cholesterol not enough??? What the hell is it going to take? 8 months of dr's appointments, of weighing in, all the research everything for nothing.

So I'm deleting my TTF account if I get denied. Whats the point in keeping it and seeing everyone else who gets it and gets to get healthy and torture myself?! I've been watching everyone make progress the last 2 years on this site and I am happy for them and sad for me all at the same time and it sucks. It sucks to be fat. It sucks when your own children call you fat. It sucks when family members call you fat. It sucks to be the fattest person in the room and its like everyone in the room is purposely trying NOT to look at you and you can feel it. It sucks to walk to pick your kid up at school and you feel like people can see how hard it is for you to walk uphill. Or like they are judging you. It sucks to feel self conscience when eating out in public because you know someone in there is thinking "that's the reason you are fat" or thinking to yourself "this is the reason you are fat".

I hate my fat body! I haven't been this way all my life. This is newish to me. And sometimes I forget that I am huge. But someone or something quickly reminds me. I am ashamed of my body, so much so that I avoid certain people and places where I might know people because I don't want them to see what I have become. Stretchy pants and flip flops. Shirts that looks like an old lady should be wearing it and not a 29 year old young woman.

I'm just trying to vent and get it all out so I wont feel this way all night and tomorrow and on and on. My counselor said that writing helps and is a form of therapy. And since my hands cramp when I write this is easier and hopefully just as effective.]]> Thu, 21 Feb 2013 05:05:00 +0000 http://www.thinnertimesforum.com/blog/1788/entry-6355-f-this/