sUzYzPLaCe

I have for myself come to some conclusions since I've had GBS.

1. I used to eat because food tasted good.
2. I ate to comfort myself when I was angry, or upset, happy or sad.
3. I ate to be social with people.
4. I ate to keep a wall of fat between me and others so they couldn't get close.
5. I ate because I was bored, and unhappy.
6. I ate when I wanted a friend to be with me and I couldn't ask for help.
7. I ate food to sabotage myself, and beat myself up for a number of things.
8. I ate food because I hated myself, and by keeping myself fat I could justify my feelings of hate for myself.
9. I ate at my father for abusing me all my life, and telling me I was fat and ugly.
10. I ate to continue the abuse towards myself.

What I've learned/changed since I've had surgery.

1. Food doesn't taste good to me anymore. I have to struggle to get my nutrition in.
2. I have had to find other ways to comfort myself. I take walks, play with the dogs, call a friend on the phone and talk, write, watch people (they always make me smile doing something funny) and many more things.
3. I learned that you don't have to pick up a fork and a knife to be social with people. You can eat nothing, or sip water for that matter. It's about the company not the food.
4. I've learned it's ok to let people get close to me. It's a lie that everyone hurts you.
5. I don't get bored much now because I have much more energy and less fat to take with me places and find that it's much more fun to do things with people.
6. I've had to mourn the loss of my "friend" (food) and have replaced that "friend" with real people.
7. I am learning to take care of myself, and this process of GBS has taught me that I have to care for myself almost like a new baby, with food, nutrition, and love.
8. I've learned that I'm a pretty ok person, and I don't hate myself.. that was all a distortion of my reality.
9. I am learning that I don't have to continue the abuse that I received as a child, and it's ok to love myself.
10. Today I don't like food. It's ok not to like food and I just use food to nourish myself.

I just wanted to share some of the emotional things that have surfaced for me. It's a daily awareness, but I appreciate the fact that I've been able to uncover much of the emotional problems surrounding my obesity. Because it's not about the food, it's about the emotions behind the eating.

***One very interesting thing I've noticed sort of off the topic of the emotional stuff is that I've been interested when I'm out in public, I will watch peoples reactions when there is an overweight person in the room, and if you watch peoples faces it's so obvious the abuse, and discrimination. I'm not sure what that is about.. maybe it's fear that they could become like that if you really knew how they ate. I don't know but I wish that with awareness it could stop***

Take care everyone. Suzy