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stakeda · 10-18-2004, 10:35 PM

Today is Monday. Monday's are so hard for me at work. I have reporting pressures to upper management, answering why we aren't hitting the numbers they are expecting, etc. Arggghhhh!

I'm having a hard time with alcohol. The first thing I want to do when I get home at night is pour a glass of wine. I've been this way for about a month now. I kept to myself about it until last week, when I finally confessed this to Bridget, Kim, and my best friend. I need to stop this insanity! If it's not one addiction, it's another. Why do I have such an addictive personality?

Well, I can give you a little family history that might explain it.

My grandmother (on my mom's side) died at the age of 44 from Serosis (sp?) of the liver. She was a full blown alcoholic. My grandfather (on my mom's side) was a full blown alcoholic until my grandmother died. He had to be put into an insitution to sober up. He hasn't had a drink since. He's over 80 years old, bless his heart.

My mother, although not a drinker, is REALLY addicted to perscription pain meds. She would adamantly deny this. But she is definitely addicted and has been since as long as I could remember. One of my main memories of my mother was that of her taking pills, closing the door to her room, which was very dark, and sleeping for hours at a time. I love my mom very much. But she was raised by two full blown alcoholics who would drop her off at the picture show and leave her there all night long to watch the movie over and over while they went to the bar. She didn't have a role model to teach her how to parent. And she has never been to therapy to resolve her childhood issues. So, I feel she just keeps numbing them. She needs to stop the insanity and heal herself.

My father is addicted to food and religion. God bless him. I love him, but I think he's going senile. Drives me nuts sometimes. I'm worried he may be suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease because every time he talks to me, he tells me the same story.

My sister, Leeanne, is an alcoholic. She drinks every day, even in the morning. She denies this also, but I've seen it with my own two eyes and when she talks to me in the morning she is slurring in her speech. Either she is still drunk from the night before, or she's already been drinking in the morning. I guess the later due to my whitnessing her do so. I love this sister so much. I have asked her to go to therapy at the same time as me in order to get to the bottom of it. I have also asked her to go back to church and go to AA. She hasn't done any of it yet. I hope she will come around.

My little brother, Matt, is a major drug addict. He hasn't been consistently clean since Jr High, I don't think. He lies, steals, etc. just to get what he needs to buy his drugs. I love him, but I've had to cut him off financially and in some ways emotionally. I'm sorry Matt, I love you but I can't enable any longer.

Okay, so you all know my family history of addiction. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. I don't want to be an addict of anything. I just want this all to stop. All of the cravings to cover up whatever it is that we are all trying to cover up. Help me!!!