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Duckie · 01-29-2006, 03:41 AM

Well, growing up. I was the FAT one. My brother's were thin. I wasn't. I was the butt of jokes, by their friends, THEM and also my "friends". The "see you AROUND" jokes hurt (as in we have to see around you). Kids are brutal. I was called "weebles wobbles but she does fall down". Man, my brothers sure were asses. lol Anyway, I was fat.
High school years: I was a size 20 my freshman year in high school. Sophmore year a friend talked me into joining field hockey. I have NO IDEA how I made those 2 1/2 miles every day when I first started. lol I then was SKINNY! I was 5'8" and 135lbs. omg. Boys paid attention to me. I felt good about myself. I then became uh, a little tooo friendly with the boys if you know what I mean. I was just so excited that someone liked me and wasn't making fun of me. That started a long road in a bad direction. Can you say SLUT? sigh. But I sure in hell was popular! lol

College years: my weight fluctuated but I never went about a size 12, I was between a 8-12. I continued to equate sex with love. I was so damn stupid. I drank alot. I screwed around alot. My self esteen had been in the dirt since I was a child and it sure hadn't risen yet! I even became anorexic at one time during college. I wouldn't eat. Had to force myself to eat a can of tuna and two rice cakes per day. That was fun. Vomitting and I became best friends. I was down to 120 at one time. Way too thin for me. This was all over a break up. Again, low self esteem. I had no worth with out him. (dumb)

After college I fluctuated in weight. I actually was engaged at one time. That ended. We just didn't get along. lol I still continued to drink alot and have flings left and right. Still equating sex with love and needing a fix to boost that self esteem for a day or two.

Did you know cocaine suprsesses your appetite? yeah, went that route at one time too. During this time my mom became very ill. Her organs were failing. I started dating a guy. He was the one thing I THOUGHT that was keeping me sane. I continued to drink and do drugs. I was a mess. Well, my mom died. My dad had two heart attacks at the same time. I thought I was losing both of them. (he's fine now) The one thing I had left was HIM. He was what was holding me together (yeah right). I was slowly beginning to lose it though. Well, we went from one day talking about engagement rings for christmas to him breaking up with me. Over the answering machine (a-hole!). The week before christmas. I no longer had my source of strength. I couldn't take it any more. On new year's eve I tried to kill myself. I ALMOST succeeded. I took an overdose of lots of pills and was in a coma for 3 days. I cried when I woke up becuase I WAS ALIVE. I was in for a long term of therapy.

Next: therapy. I had a lot of anger. I was angry that my mom died. I was angry about everything. I decided that I was never going to do drugs again (never have) and that i wouldn't drink. My new crutch: FOOD. Part of the problem is I was mad at men. I was beautiful. I really was. I no longer wanted their damn attention. I had been raped (during college) and had had my heart broken for the last time damn it! I was going to make it so they would finally leave me alone! I ate. and ate. and ate. On top of this, my depression over my mom's death caused me to eat. I gained over 100 lbs. Guess what? The men went away. lol ( I can laugh now)

It's been over 10 years now since my mom died. I have changed in so many ways. I have dated twice in 10 years. I ended the relationships cuz they weren't the greatest. I no longer NEEDED a man to make me happy. I have actually done sooooooo many things alone and been happy doing it! I take vacations by myself and have a blast! (I'm not shy. lol) I went back to school. After my mom died I realized life was too damn short to be unhappy. I became a nurse and I LOVE my job. (that's a first!) I finally feel good about myself, for the most part. I just can't lose this damn weight. I have tried EVERYTHING.

I have been going through the program here for WLS over the past year and am so excited. I finally have my head together. I have learned how to eat. I have learned my triggers. I have learned that most of my eating was from boredom or anxiety/depression. I look forward to the future. I new future where I am HEALTHY. My surgery date is 3/30/06. I'm excited but scared. I now know that I don't need another person to prove my worth. I am ME damn it. lol

Thanks for listening.