I'm just sitting here going trough the posts. I am so grateful for this forum and all of the wonderful people that are so honest and forthright with sharing themselves. I'm scared sillly right now, thinking about dropping out from having surgery ( I'm not even approved yet, I'm still in dictation) I've heard that this surgery can destroy marrages, mines falling apart now, even before surgery, I'm scared of what will happen if I do have it. I'm so tired of feeling the way I do, I feel like a failure because I feel like my marraige is failing. I don't even know how I feel right now. Of course I'm at that time of month too so that throws me even more out of whack. I'm sorry if this is a mess, I feel like a mess right now, I'm crying so much, avoiding my hubby, eating like its my last meal, I can't smoke. This has to get better, I feel like I am being totally selfish in wanting this surgery. He;s totally supportive of me having it. Although his insecurity has shown through a comment he made a while back, along the lines of I'm gonna get skinny and then leave him. I'm tired of the constant stress cloud hanging over us because he is so stressed about money, I have always been a stay at home mom. He wants me to work and help with money. But I am too scared to work. I'm to scared to even look, I barely like to leave the house anyways, I hate being so fat and wanting to hide from the world because I'm scared of what "they" think of me. I'm so insecure and don't have any selfconidence to go out and get a job, not to mention no education or work history. I just reread this, what a rambling mess I am. PMS is no joke with me lol. I'm really lucky my hubby puts up with me. Then there the part of me that I kkep inside and don;t talk about because I think I'm horrible and don't want others to know. Did I settle? because I thought i was to fat and unlovable to do any better? There I sais it, am I horrible? He's good to me, but. Oh I better stop, I'm gonna call the guy i did my pschyc eval with , I think I need someone to go see and talk to. But then again I feel guilty for wanting to do that because we don't have $ for copay. But he can afford to smoke a pack + a day. I'm not even allowed to buy a new bra. I'm still wearing nursing bras and our son is 2 and a half and hasnt nursed for over a year. Ok now that I sound like a raving lunatic and have probably scared you all away from me forever (that girl has problems) I think I'll wrap this up. I do feel a little better for letting it out. I don't havwe any people in my life. I'm not so good at sustaining relationships ( other than my relationship with food, LOL) You know I have that fear that if ya get to know me you won't like me. Heck how can people like me when I don't like myself all that much ( but I know in my heart I anm a good person) I tend to close myself off.. Ok enough, jenna. I'm just feeling scared unsure lon ely and sad. This will pass, I'm doing a great thing for me and my kids. I deserve to be happy, and healthy and my kids deserve a mom who is healthy and happy. Maybe I'll call my ins and see if they cover marital counseling. If you read this whole thing, I'm really not crazy
I've just been holding alot in and it had to comew out and I'm not to good at organizing my thoughts, so its a jumbled mess. Thanks for listening