hihiknez

Let me first say that I know there are things I have been doing wrong in the past few days. I guess I am feeling kinda angry and in a rut or on a sort of strike. I know- I know- I know I have to stop! I'm angry. My surgery was 9/29. I lost 10 pounds by the follow up appointment 9 days later. That was great! Three days later I had lost another three...the trend was obviously a pound a day. Cool. But then it stopped and then I gained 5 pounds back!

I think I have Edema. Prior to surgery and before I lost the 10% requirement my ankles were always swollen. I always thought it was just fat ankles. But then when I started exercising and losing weight...omg I had small ankles! Now, my ankles are fat again! I know I haven't had a fill yet and so my band restriction is very minimal. I can't wait for the first fill and hope to god it is tight enough to make this fear and anger go away and to make me tight so I feel like I have a tool inside of me. I have willpower but I was looking forward to having a crutch, tool, helping hand a partner in this. There are definetly days that I am tighter than others but for the most part I feel like I can eat anything and like I am just doing the diet thing like when I had to lose that 10%. It's just as hard..almost harder because then I was able to workout hard...now I can only walk. I am so afraid that I am going to get that first fill and nothing will change. I know so many people prefer gastric over the band. But for too many reasons to list here...it is not an option for me. I HAVE to make this band work. I must. I am angry that I have done all of this and I am gaining weight...my ankles are swollen again...I have very little restriction and the people are looking at me as if to say..."see...look at her....she did that WLS and she isnt even losing any weight!" Shoot...I am saying that to myself! I have been feeling depressed and having low self esteem...so...you all know how it goes...less focus...I dont care attitude...eat too much...eat wrong things...I want that feeling where no matter what I eat...good for me....bad for me....I get blocked and am forced to stop. Where is that? Will it really happen like that when I get the fill? Please tell me yes! But....tell me the truth most importantly. I know I have to get refocused and do what I am supposed to be doing but I know that when I do I will be doing it all on my own until I get my fill. And, I have heard that it could take up to three fills for some people to feel tight enough that there was a change! OMG! I feel like there are so few banders on here that I sometimes feel like I am talking to no one-but I know many of you have had the band first and then switched to RNY. Although, it may not be the news I want, I know you have some experiences you can share at least. I have tried to go to other lapband sites and well shucks...I guess I feel comfortable here and don't want to be a quitter since so many of you have been there for me despite my feeling kind of alone at times. Is this just bander PMS!?? Lol! I am sorry to ramble. I really needed to get this off my chest and just couldn't think of anyone better to tell it to. So, thanks for reading and please believe me when I say that despite my sour attitude right now I trully do appreciate all of your continued support. Trully. Thank you TT.