Originally Posted by Gwrenchgal

(I can't figuire out how to post my pictures here..they are in my album)

I am sitting here reflecting on the past year, well more then a year now. Alot of people have been asking my about my weight loss. It's been an amazing transformation both physically and more drastically emotionally. The physical everyone can see, the emotional is not so recognizable to most people. This has been the hardest most gut wrenching part of the process.

The things that I have gained from this journy...

1) I no longer worry about where I will sit...will the chair be big enough, wide enough, or strong enough.

2) I no longer worry about parking. I can walk and lot of times choose to take the long way. It feels good to walk.

3) I can run. Not trot along. I can actually run.

4) I can walk and talk at the same time, doesn't matter if it is up hill, or far, I can carry on a conversation.

5) I can run into a store and pick something up, for cheap, without trying it on, and the chances that it will fit and look good are high!

6) I can walk all day long and not need rest breaks.

7) I have gained a new self respect for myself, I have follow through, and I continue to follow though daily.

8) I have gained a respect for my body I didn't have before. I am generally careful about what I put in it.

9) I have found out who my friends are and most importantly, who my friends aren't. (this has more to do with the emotional part then the physical)

10) I have gained a new sense of myself, I feel good, I look good, and I get that I deserve to be treated in a certain way.


Things I have lost in this journey

1) I have lost an average sized adult and a small child, or a largers sized adult, 40 bags of sugar, about a square yard of sand, 24 inches off my waist, 5 shirt sizes, 1 shoe size, and a ton of money purchasing new clothes every few months!!!!!!!

2) I have lost my abilty to accept peoples bullshit. My filters are gone and it drives me crazy!!!!!!! I have lost my ability to just move on, I HAVE to say something most of the time.

3) I have lost the confidence I once had, I am slowly gaining this back in some ways and am having trouble gaining it back in others, this will be a process. Crazy thing is my body image is worse now then before or at least I think it is...lol.

4) I have lost my ability to suck it up and not cry...I have cried more in the past year then probably in my entire life. Things affect me, deeply, the coating, shield, layers are gone and everything just seems to hit hard and fast right where it's closest to my core. I get rocked by things that used to not phase me, I am touched by things that I never used to notice, I notice the beauty in things, I notice peoples interactions and I feel more connected what is around me.

5) I have no body awareness, when I am close to another person it feels strange and new, almost like an out of body experience. Even hugging people at times if unnerving. Sitting, crossing my legs, putting on my clothes is like an adventure every day, looking in the mirror is unnerving daily. Making the connection between myself and the image I see is a daily stuggle. I look in the mirror alot, not because I like looking at myself but because I am trying to get myself oriented to what I am seeing. The last picture posted here is my backround picture for my computer. I can honestly say its the first time I have looked at a picture of myself and liked it, and felt connected to it. I put it as my backround to remind myself who I am. (thank you Cheryl, its an amazing picture for me, probably the first time I felt truely connected to my physical self was when I looked at that picture, its a gift.)

6) I have have become self obsessed at times, it's a challange to be aware of how my actions are effecting those around me, my focus has been turned inward and my sence of balance in life has been lost to a certain degree, I am trying to move this back towards center. For so long I had been so focused on other people and thier needs that I lost myself and my ability to show up for myself, now the pendulum has swung the other way in my personal life and I trying to find balance in that way.

7) I have lost my sence of fear, fear of finanical insecurity. I used to be so afraid of what I didn't have, and focused on how I was going to get "it" that I got lost on the journey. I was working in a job that I hated because it paid very well, I almost took a step up in that orgainization to get more "money", prior to the surgery and this past year, I would have taken that leap and went for the money. Instead I leaped the other way, I followed my dream, took a huge risk, and am happier for it. My focus is on feeding my soul, showing up for myself, so I can show up for others. On being vunerable, this year has been a year of great loss, not only weight loss but personal loss, and huge gains(thank god not weight ).

8) My tolerance for people being not present has deminished greatly, probably because my ability to be not present in my body and with people has greatly increase and I struggle with this. Being present in my body and with people is a struggle. But it bothers me when people do the same to me...double standard.

I have become vunerable in a way I have never experienced before. My ability to feel is has been expanded, this includes my abilty to feel pain, but also my ability to be happy. Again my challange is to find balance in this area. This year I have been happier then I have ever been, and more sad and hurt then I have ever been. But, this has along made me feel more alive then ever. I have gotten a new lease on life, new friends, renewed and deeper connections with the people in my life, and some connections that have been severed and that will not be rebuilt. The shield is gone, it forces me to choose very carefully those I bring close.

My continued struggle hasn't been to keep this weight off and continue down if this is what my body decides to do. My struggle is to maintain balance in my life. Balance between my needs and the needs of those around me. Balance between being connected to myself and become self obsessed. Balance between accepting my old self and incorperating my new self into this picture. It's a struggle, and it is and has been not so much with losing weight this year, but it's been losing and gaining myself this year.

Do I regret it..NOT FOR A SECOND...this has been a rollercoasted I should have taken long ago!