First, let me say Thanks so much Dawnelle. I'm reaching as far as I can and just hope I can get my self under control to get me there!
I spent tonight alone. My bf spent the night at Stanford. Thankfully, he is fine- just went in for a sleep study. I've been telling him for years that he occasionally stops breathing in his sleep- which totally freaks me out. FINALLY someone ordered him a sleep study. So, I decided to have my LAST fast food meal (yes, I openly admit to loving fast food, although it never tastes as good the "last" time) of McDonalds. Trashy, perhaps but now I'm done. And I rented the third season of Sex and the City to watch while my honey is gone. And it really hit me in the last episode- just what I am striving for with my weight loss. And sorry guys- this may only apply to the women here. But Carrie is dating Aiden, and he is walking out of her apt after fixing her this really romantic bath. She is all curled up in the tub, looks at him and says, "Big tub, little person...."
And that just kills me!! I've been overweight for so long, nearly my entire life and I can't relate to those statements!! Arrgggh!
For instance, our neighbors had 3 kids our ages when we were growing up. I'm the youngest of 3, and their oldest is 1 year younger than I am. And I can remember spending time with them and those two girls would always crawl into their daddy's lap and cuddle with him. I was SO jealous. Granted, I have other family issues, my parents were divorced when I was 3 so I never really had that kind of a father in my life. But being overweight, I never felt like I had the OPTION to crawl in someone's lap for comfort or hugs or to fall asleep. I think my ability and comfort level (or childish oblivion) ended that when I was about 4 or 5. Or for another example, my older sister. She is 5 years older, about 3 inches shorter and even now, after having 2 kids she weighs about 110lbs, soaking wet. She was a bikini model and a Hooter's girl. But that's beside the point. When we were kids, my older brother's friends were like extended family. And I can remember them always picking my sister up and laughing about how little she was. Or my mom's boyfriend picking my sister up to throw her in the pool in the summer, etc. Lastly, my boyfriend has 3 brothers. They all have wives who are stick-figures and that is no exaggeration. NO- I do NOT want to be a stick figure. I'll be thrilled to keep my curves and feel womanly when this is all said and done (if it's ever done?) But they can joke and play and be picked up and when they playfully "punch" their husbands, everyone laughs at how girly they are. (I was never taught to hit like a girl- apparently I missed that lesson. When I punch someone, they definitely feel it. Which does not make me feel like a lady. at. all.)
So back to it and enough of my lamenting. Carrie's comment in that episode really hit home for me. I hate that I feel uncomfortable sitting in my bf's lap. I hate that I am Bigger than he is! I hate not feeling feminine or sexy because I am too damn big and awkward. ..............
Tomorrow I start my liquid diet. Or today, I guess technically. I haven't done a liquid diet since Feb/March of last year and I am not looking forward to it. But it does mean that I am 15 days away from surgery. How Surreal that feels!! Indescribable. My checklist this week is loooong as far as personal tasks to complete, but for pre-op it goes like this:
Start (& stick to!) Liquid Diet
Lose 10 lbs prior to June 30th.
Nutrition Eval (phone)
Psych Eval (phone)
Fax in Informed Consent
Register @ Hospital
Blood Work.
Sorry for all the angst here tonight. Despite all the support I know I have, sometimes it can be so dang lonely on this journey. Especially when old dirt surfaces and I don't always feel equipped to deal with that dirt! Thanks for listening/reading/tolerating.... May today be a great day and my spirits be lifted!
Wish me luck and God Speed as I make my way towards the Losers Bench!!