ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass Forum, Lap Band Forum, and Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Forum - View Single Post

Debz · 05-08-2009, 07:25 AM

Hi guys. I've written this post probably 100 times in my head, but haven't been able to sit down and bang it out because I am so ashamed and afraid. Seeing it in print is going to make this all so much more real. But I realized last night that if I don't make myself accountable, it would be so easy to slide right down into the rabbit hole.

So, some history. I know this is repeating to some of you...sorry. I had a vertical banded gastroplasty in 1988, lot the weight and gained it back again. In short, it sucked, and that little piece of my story is what makes this even more excruicatingly difficult for me.

So, here it is in black and white. I have put on some weight. I went to WA over Easter to visit friends and family, and while I was in my old stomping grounds (I lived there for 21 years) I ate at all my favorite places, frequently and with gusto.

In addition, I made the Easter ham, which wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but I got this fantastic recipe from Alton Brown on the Food Channel. It involves gingersnap cookies. Long story short, I ate about one and a half bags of gingersnaps in 5 days. Just a few at a time, so I wouldn't dump...but I did it. I woke up with crumbs in the bed the whole time I was there. Damn that Alton Brown...I curse you, you food devil.

I just let my hair down...ate what I wanted, when I wanted...because I was on vacation. Only it's not really vacation, because I go a few times a year to accompany my daughter when she visits her Dad. That's a whole 'nuther post...but I'll digress in the hugest way if I even try the briefest of explanations. Anyhow, point being...I'm gonna go back in August for almost 3 weeks. (And no, Im not re-uniting with the ex.)

I came back at 134 pounds. I was kinda shocked. I thought I'd done more damage than that. But wait.......I did. I found out that the carb monster was back, and he'd grown. From like Sasquatch to Godzilla. I mananaged to get up to 139...and for a woman who's signature includes the line "130 is my must not go over it weight, and that doesn't seem to be a problem", I'm crushed. Apparently, it's a problem.

Everytime I log in here and see my signature line, I feel like I'm lying to you all. Everytime I yank up my size 4 Levis....and huff and puff like a chain smoker on an uphill run, I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I have been haughty about this weight loss. When I remember catty statements women have made along the way, I think "Ha....they're still fat and I'm not. Let them say what they will about the easy way out." Not exactly humble or kind, huh?

I've been presumptuous about this weight loss. I presume to think that I can buy a three pack of caramel Turtles and eat them through the day and that I'm "eating like a thin person". I have chosen to forget that I'm an addict and that addiction is a filthy rotten mistress who will sneak up on you with silken sneakers, tip-toeing the whole way until she's in your ear whispering lies.

I did this all once before. Lost it and gained it all back. Thought I was in control...and then found out in the most humiliating public way, I wasn't. I can't do this again. Everyone is watching. Everyone knows I've had GBP...and I know many of them are just standing back and waiting for me to explode into that fat girl again. I know people are looking at me right now thinking, "Look...it's happening". I was up 12 pounds from my lowest weight, and I know 12 pounds shows. My clothes fit different. Sometimes I don't even wanna leave the house. I need to respect myself again.

So ...I'm trying to slay Godzilla. He's a wiley l'il bastard. I'm eating mostly protein again and it ain't easy. But Im doing it...one day at a time. I'm 134 this morning. I've re-joined the gym and I'm actually gonna go. (Apparently, just having the membership doesn't burn calories...dammit.) I feel humbled by this whole experience. I can't forget who and what I am.

Cookies don't love me, cereal won't make me feel confident, and chocolate covered cannolis are not going to make me a better person. Only I can do that. There is no true comfort in food. There is, however, comfort in old behaviors, until you realize what they cost you...and I really want to believe that this insight is going to lead to a true lasting behavior change for me.

Hey, my name is Debbie, and Im a foodaholic. Thanks for listening, my friends.