Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Meaghan
maybe one day I can lead the life I truly yearn for and deserve.
|
Meaghan:
There IS hope. If I can find, accept, and nuture a healthy relationship, I know YOU can. However, it's not easy by any means. It requires a LOT of hard work and an unwillingness to quit. As for me...
After my horrifying childhood, I logically sought out an abusive relationship--it's what I was most familiar with. I spent 17-1/2 years (off and on) being verbally and emotionally tortured. When I had nothing left but my survival instincts, I finally got out. Luckily, I sought help and was saved by a wonderful psychiatrist. After a year of intense recovery, I tried venturing out into the world again.
When I met my husband, I immediately tried to sabotage the relationship because he was too good to me. I literally couldn't tolerate the kindness, and my terrible anxiety caused me to push him away. Luckily, my brother and daughter kept after me to do the right thing and my husband loved me enough to stick it out. It took me almost two years to be able to accept kindness from my husband and believe that he truly loved me. Once I believed it, I let go of a lot of my anxiety and resistance. But life is still not perfect and neither am I. I sometimes overspend (which is a favorite self-sabotaging behavior of mine), but I'm much better now than before.
It sounds bizarre to say that because all I had known in my life was abuse and horrible self-esteem, I was most comfortable feeling that way. It was a horrendous experience learning to love myself. Very uncomfortable...almost physically intolerable. But it can be done. Love can overpower abuse, but you must let it in, let it happen, and then embrace it.
I'm certainly no expert. In fact, I'll probably always be just a work in progress. But what I have that you don't is time and experience. Believe in yourself and it will happen.
Much love to you, Meaghan.