This is so relevant to many of us I believe! Great post Bridget.
I too, was sexually abused as a child on a few diffent occasions - only one of which I remember. When I was told of the other incidents, miraculously, bizarre nightmares I'd been having my whole life ceased. Then with my last relationship, which was extremely abusive, utlimately ending in court (which is still in progress due to his probation violations).
I know that I "protected" myself with an amour of fat. Unfortunately that only diminishes the self esteem that remains. It's such a viscious cycle. To this day I sabotage myself in all aspects of my life. Even with therapy it's difficult to chip away at all the layers that engulf ones "self". I try to do my best and get myself to "step out of my box" but it's a daily struggle.
When things go bad (ie. this dating disaster) I find myself longing for my ex - knowing full well that it will never come to anything but pain. Luckily for me, somewhere deep down, I think my survival skills are there... I had a protection order placed after the last assault from my ex, which now I can see was more for me - in order for me not to contact him.
It's sad that there are people that prey on the innocent and kind hearted, but I also believe I am responsible for my actions and it's up to me to prevent it from happening again. My best defensive mechanism is to ruin it before anyone else can and to remain alone...maybe one day I can lead the life I truly yearn for and deserve.
__________________
Meaghan 
Lap Rny GB
4/8/05
5'7"
238/148/141
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