Squishy

I'm not sure why I am posting this here...I guess I just need to gather my thoughts about it and this is "my safe place".

OK... so I have a good friend at work. I've worked with him for about 15 years. Great guy, married, two grown children, mature, reliable, great friend... you would love this guy to be your next door neighbor.

Anyway, about a month ago he started to seem kind of agitated. He was diagnosed with skin cancer and he has had many small tumors removed. I could tell that he was just not himself, but figured that he was just upset about the skin cancer.

One week his wife had to go out of town for work and he seemed more agitated than ever. He talked to me before leaving work and we had a good conversation, but the whole time we talked, his eyes were darting around like a caged animal.

It turns out he went home right after that conversation with the intention of ending his life. He called his wife to say goodbye and she managed to call 911 on another phone to get them to their house while she kept him on the phone. He spent a couple weeks in the psych ward in the hospital getting help. Turns out he had been on Paxil for about 14 years ( I am learning that Paxil can be very bad if not monitored properly). He came back to work part time and has been doing pretty well.

This week his wife had to go out of town again for the first time since the hospitalization and he has been very nervous. Those of us who know about his situation have made a point of stopping to talk to him frequently and we all agreed that he was not doing very well. Yesterday afternoon I talked to him to try to get a feel for how stable he was. He talked about what he planned to do at work today, so I felt that he was not contemplating suicide.

When I saw him this morning, I invited him to lunch and he said that he could not make it, but then went on to tell me that he had a very bad night and was contemplating suicide again last night. He broke down crying as we talked and I tried to console him as best I could. He said that he called his wife last night and she arranged for her parents to get him and have him spend the night with them. They were going to call the doctor at noon.

After he was calmed down, I went and called his wife and told her about his emotional state. She is still on the West Coast but had arranged to get the doctor on the phone with her and her husband at noon. She is coming back tomorrow. After we talked, she called the doctor and they decided to have him check back into the hospital right away.

So... twice my friend talked to me and then went home with intentions of ending his life. The first time was completely unexpected but the second time, I knew it was a risk but still did not see how desperate he was. I don't know what I would have done if he had actually completed a suicide. I would have felt like a failure as a friend. I feel scared for him every day and am so grateful that he is back in the hospital. I am obviously grateful that he is getting help, and (this seems selfish) I am also grateful because I don't feel personally responsible for him while he is there. I feel bad for feeling that way. It is such an emotional drain to worry about him taking his life. I can't even imagine what it must be like for his wife. Anyway... I guess I don't really know what I am looking for here. Maybe it was a long way around to a confession about how I feel about him being in the hospital.

Thanks for listening,
-Mike-

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TT Squishybear

"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

05/30/07 Open RNY
430/346/240.5/225?
Highest/Surgery Date/Current/Goal
6' 2"

TT Gym Rat Club Member #65