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snick1899 · 05-23-2008, 03:44 PM

As I am reading this I am in awe that so many women, like myself, hide from men in their fat suit. Everyone is sharing thei stories, and though I am thankfully not a victim of abuse, this seems like the appropriate place to voice my story and my fears.

When I was 18, during my senior year of high school, my mother got sick with brain cancer. She passed away shortly after my high school graduation. My mom was my best friend, so losing her was very difficult. I didn't really deal with losing her, instead I started looking to fill that affection void in any place that I could. Unfortunately, most of the time that was with a strange man, drunk in a bar. Luckily, I didn't sleep with most of them, I just wanted someone to make me feel loved. Obviously, this was not love.

About a year later I met a wonderful man and moved to El Paso, TX with him. I was already depressed because of my mom, but was still deeply in denial about it. I couldn't work in Texas because I don't speak Spanish. I volunteered at the zoo and a bird farm but couldn't converse with most of the people since they spoke mostly spanish and not much english. The man I moved with was actually working for Delphi across the Mexican border, so I was seeing him less and less with his long hours and long commute. I got more depressed. So I ate. It wasn't even so much that I was eating a lot, but even eating normal American meals builds up fast if you spend your days in the dark on your couch. I refused to even open my blinds.

My relationship quickly went bad and I convinced myself it was because I gained weight. I am still not 100% convinced that it wasn't. I remember his saying "No offense babe, but you're getting fat." and when we broke up I cried to him saying "No one could ever love me again because I am so fat." He replied "Well I guess they will just have to get to know you. Then they can love you." Translation: No one will ever love you for your looks again. This has shaped the way I see men for the last 6 years.

This was back in 2002. Since then, I moved home to Ohio, got some counceling, saved up and followed my dream to move to Florida and pursue a career in dolphin training. But guess what? No one wants a fat dolphin trainer. Gotta look good in that wet suit. I have not had another relationship since. I have gone on exactly 1 date. I refused to go on another date because I realized I agreed to go on a date with this guy because "He could probably be attracted to a fat girl." I realized this was not a healthy reason to start a relatipnship.

Now I am pre-op and so excited to get back to the old me. But what lies ahead? Will I jump back into the routine of meeting guys at bars? Will I ever trust a guy to love me again? Will I ever believe that a man is interested in me, or will I believe he is secretly making fun of me by pretending to show interest in me? Will I ever trust a man to have another sexual relationship in my life?

As excited as I am about losing weight and getting my life back in so many ways, I am terrified of what the future holds in store.