I surely appreciate the loving responses you have sent my way. As a lesson for those who greet poor circumstances with a 'what more can happen?', I can share this one...
I have 4, count em 4, kidney stones--2 in each kidney. One is 9mm, and has doubled in size in just 3 months. I'd have had them smashed a while ago, but I've also had a killer kidney infection. It was resistant to everything but penicillin (deathly allergic to!), macrodantin (deathly allergic to also), and gentomycin. So, I had 3 ginormous injections of gentomycin, waited a couple of weeks, then had a UA to see if the infection was cleared up so I can get smashed.
The Urologist's office called me yesterday. The infection is NOT gone, and now is gentomycin resistant. Not only that, but the stones are starting to realllllly hurt, and for all my pain meds, nothing (!!
!!) is touching the pain. Talked to the Pee man, and we agreed that it sounds like the big stone is starting to jostle into place to attempt the trip down the ureter express. And at 2/3", that just ain't gonna happen. Therefore, next Friday I am going to have the lithotripsy with a big ol' dose of vancomycin, with the hope it will be enough to keep things from getting worse. And it also seems that my kidney function is seriously decreased
! So not good! So that's what happens if you ask how much worse things can get.
So I'm in 10/10 pain, my legs and back are so spasmed that none of my muscle pills work (I hear them laughing as I swallow them, I swear), and I am even more depressed than ever. That's not even touching on the stuff with Michelle, her health, and her depression. I don't say that to devalue her trials by any means, I'm just sayin' where I am. I hate being a chronic boo-hoo-er, but folks, I need more help than my meds, my therapist, my loving partner, and my shrink can provide. The pain consumes every thought, dictates every move, rules me. The combo plate is keeping me from sleeping, so that's why some of my posts are from 3:30am n stuff.
*with proper pathos, tears dripping down cheeks, pain etched on my miserable face, along with limping and holding my low back*
I CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!
I absolutely know many many people have it worse than me. I know this and don't need to be reminded. I feel guilty enough complaining on the 'world wide web'. I just don't have any more bootstraps to pull myself up with, no more suck to suck up, no more man to take it like, well, you know.
I apologize once again for harshing everyone's buzz. I just am so damn needy and owie and scared and broke...I'm reaching out for help and support--something I am very uneasy doing. Goin' fer some kleenex now....
