Yes Deb, we will always have the scars from these injuries. Unzipping our fat suits means some of the scars are ripped open. When that happens we need to get treatment. If that means putting another therapist through college, then so be it. You'll get more out of it than the therapist's college degree. I'll tell you what you'll get, because I've done it and I hope I can articulate it here in writing.
When we keep the fat suit on as armor to protect us from attention from men, then we have a safety tool that keeps the feelings inside us locked away. When the fat suit comes off, guess what? The feelings are exposed. We're not "safe" anymore. We're not just tiny, we're naked without our fat suit. The nakedness stirs up all the feelings. Logically so! It's why so many of us don't ever unzip it. It's too scary.
You know what I say to that? YOU LET THE BASTARDS WIN IF YOU KEEP THAT FAT SUIT ON AND LET IT KILL YOU. They killed something precious inside us as little children. We'll never get all that back. BUT we CAN get something back: the power to unzip and heal.
I refused to the let the bastard win. I refused to let him keep me unhealthy in my "protective barrier" of fat. I refused to let him control my life any more than he already did. I refused to be defeated by something that was done TO me, and I refused to perpetuate his abuse by abusing myself.
It's scary shit. Yep. It's hard shit. Yep. But it's not impossible shit. We already survived the "impossible" and we're still here. And yeah it's unfuckingfair that you now have ANOTHER layer of shit to wade through that came from something that wasn't your fault. So now YOU are in control. YOU have a tool to gain more control over something you did to survive something that was done to you. THAT TOOL IS YOUR WEAPON TO WIN FOR YOURSELF. It's not about them anymore. It's about you. CHEERS to you for having the surgery. Your doctor only operated on your body. Now YOU have to operate on your mind, feelings, emotions, attitudes, fears, relationships, and all those other things that being fat were a part of.
It's not simple. Nobody told you that you'd have to do THIS surgery too did they? Well I didn't know, but I found out when I hit my goal. That's when the OTHER surgery started. And I can say this, because I've been there and I've done the work, that it's possible for you to do it too. I didn't get a magic "get out of the pain of sexual abuse and forever have no scars" card (they don't even make those, so we deal the cards we got right?)
So here's your card: You are now thin. You can stay thin. You are afraid to be thin. You are afraid to rehash and feel any of the pain you probably thought was all done, dealt with and put away for good, right? Well it's not. I'm sorry. It's like an onion that slowly is peeled. Layer by layer. And now you're working on one huge-ass layer. Your eyes will water and it will make you cry. Hell, scream if you want-it feels good-but do whatever it takes so you don't let the fucker win. He doesn't deserve it, and you know you don't want him to.
(and I don't mind the language a bit - can you tell -)
I find it quite liberating to be able to say what the fuck I want when I want to, and not feel like someone's going to spank me for being "bad". I'm a grown woman, and I've learned that everyone doesn't have to like what I say. But the people I love and respect are the ones that matter. I love and respect every survivor. Because I know the pain, the shame, the fall-out and the courage it takes to heal from the monstrosity of sexual abuse.
You have it. You just need to pull up your big girl panties and see a trusted therapist to help you work through this thickass layer of the onion. I'd expect nothing less from someone who has the balls to have WLS. (Um, that would be you dear)
