Debz

Oh man, you guys. I have heavy heavy stuff on my mind. I just need to say first, that if you are a survivor of sexual trauma, this thread my be a trigger for you and now is the time to bail if you think that might be a problem. That being said...read at your own risk...cuz I sure am writing that way.

I have mentioned to you all before that I am a survivor. No gory details need to be discussed...but it was ugly and prolonged... lasted for much of my childhood and has shaped me as a human being. And I pretty much felt like I had it all under control. But...guess what??? I don't.

My recent discovery of lingering screwed-up-edness is most definetly related to my weight loss. As I get smaller, I become more attractive to the opposite sex and receive more attention from them. And I find that it's kind of scaring me.

I mean, I knew that the reason I became obese in the first place was to feel some control over how men responded to me. Fat girls don't get play, right? (Well, OK...I got some play, but in managable amounts...LOL). But I thought I had this whole thing done and in the bag. I'm 43...old enough to be the mistress of my own destiny. Mature enough to feel in control of how someone can treat me, right? Right? ????

I thought that I was past the point in my life that attention from men would be scary to me. I know how to say no...I know how to be in control...I know how to not get hurt. But apparently, I don't know how to be small. Why does this make me feel so powerless at at someone's mercy?

In any other area of my life, I am in control. I take shit from no one...I stand up for myself...I'm pretty much a force to be reckoned with. I am assertive and I certainly know how to channel my inner bitch and let her out when she can work for me. So where is this feeling of unsafety coming from?

Man...what a mind fuck. It just seems like molestation is the gift that keeps on giving. I know I need to go back to therapy, but DAMN! I swear, sometimes it seems like I've sent several therapists children through college. Do I ever get to be done? Do I ever get to be healed? Do I ever get to not be damaged goods? God damn it, this just sucks.

This surgery is the best thing that has happened to me, outside of my hunny and my kids, in FOREVER! I am healthy, I can move, I look good in my clothes...and god freakin' dammit....I can't just be happy about that. Even in my victory, my childhood is still right here in my face. It's tainting this wonderful thing that's happened to me and I AM PISSED!

Well...that's my temper tamtrum for the moment. There's more here that I need to say, but I just can't do it right now. Please help me sort this out...

If I've offended anyone with the subject or the language, I apologize. But honestly, There isn't any place else I can talk about this....

Thanks everyone.

__________________
Debbie
Lap RNY 8/6/07
Highest/Day of surgery/current/goal
251/237/133/130


Goal! I did it!
104 pounds gone since my RNY
118 total pounds gone forever!
I finally have a "normal" BMI
Reached my first goal of 145...and setting a new one of 135.
Reached 135 and have decided to lose another five if I can.

I'm in the 130's for the first time since puberty!

TT Gym Rat #95