taleci

As part of a couple that has been through WLS, I will say that our marriage has changed in positive ways from the WLS. We do more together now. We work out together, we go out to do "things" rather than just go out to dinner. After all of these years, I still feel that my DH is the most amazing person I've ever met.

What has adversely impacted our marriage is kids. While it isn't a by-product of the surgery, it all happened at about the same time. We have been together for 15+ years, and for most of that time we had been blissfully child-free by choice. A little more than 3 years ago we took in DH's nephew; it wasn't really a choice. The kid had nowhere to go and we were the child-free ones and it just happened. Now, that I have given the effort and decided that it just isn't working, we really don't have the choice to undo it. This is a high risk kid that I would classify as a problem child. You would think a kid coming from a bad living situation that WANTS to live with us would be grateful, but he isn't. I could go on and on about my issues with this kid but DH reads this board too and I know it would make him angry, so I will be respectful of that.

DH really is doing the best he can to save this child, and I really do admire DH's commitment to his nephew. But I am done, done, done. IMO, I think this kid's issues are so deeply ingrained that he will not change.
I know that I am far from perfect in this whole mess. I am extremely impatient and I have a hard time consistently forgiving this kid for the same crap he pulls over and over and over. I know I need to be better with him and I wish I felt more maternal toward him, but it just isn't there. It is a sad testament to my character that I feel more maternal toward my puppy than I do toward this kid. I really did try in the beginning, but at this point, I feel it is futile. I just don't have the energy to constantly engage in these battles. Ironically, taking this kid in has not only tested my marriage but also my faith. I was so very "believing" before taking the kid in, but these days I just seem to have lost my faith. It seems to me that if we were doing the right thing by providing this kid with a good stable home, and adapting our care-free lives, early retirement, and all of the good stuff for one of being parents to someone that gives us a lot of grief and that we didn't give birth too, it should be easier. I feel like God would pave the way and make things go smoother than they do. There is a verse in the Bible about doing deeds with a happy heart and I feel terrible that the happy heart of trying to do the right thing went out the window about 2 years ago. So I really struggle. I am also very resentful toward DH's family now and that doesn't help our marriage either. My MIL, SIL and and DH's aunt and uncle all live with 30 minutes of our house. When I ask for help, the only one that is there for us is DH's sister, however my SIL has twins of her own and a hectic career so I understand that she is busy. The others will spend more time and effort telling me why they can't help rather than just pitching in. Of course, when the kid came to live with us, everyone was quick to jump in and say they would help, that they would take him on occasion and let Dh and I have some couple time. Well that help lasted for all of about the first year. My MIL does almost nothing other than to criticize me. IMO, as the child's grandmother, she could see him for more than what equates to about 6-8 quick visits a year given that she is retired and lives close by. DH says I am wrong to be angry over other people not meeting my expectations of how they should act in this situation, and he is right, but it doesn't make any easier.
We have fought more in the past 3 years than we ever did prior to that and the fights are big. I hate going home a lot of the time so I either work late or find a million errands to do so I don't get home until around the kid's bedtime. I don't know what the future will hold. I love DH with everything I have and I am trying to make it work. He is trying also, and like I said before, he is is an incredible guy, so for now, my mantra is Four More Years! Four More Years! (and then the kid will be out of our house). Again, this all has very little to do with the surgery except that the timing was all about the same time. I think without the kid factor, our marriage would be incredible. From the moment we met, DH and I have been inseparable. We hardly ever used to fight, our feeling was we were committed to each other so it was useless to spend valuable time together fighting over the silly stuff. In so many ways, I feel like we've always known each other. However, because of the surgery I am also going through this metamorphosis and it changes how I view myself and others and how much I am willing to tolerate from others.

The one thing the surgery has done is to give me more of myself back, so if we do end up going our separate ways, I know I will be okay...I would be a very sad girl for a long, long time, but I would survive.


Wow, why is it so therapeutic to put this all "out there"?