This is from my blog on Myspace and I wanted to share with my TT FAMILY as you might have wondered where I have been~~
My heart exposed
Current mood: thoughtful
Wow! I was watching the High School Musical 2 with my daughter and her friend, Allison and these simple lyrics were about to make me cry......:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
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I don't know how well you know me but know that I am going thru some things right now and questioning everything around me...choices I make, people I know, my career, my love, my faith...everything....
As they say "when it rains, it pours" and Lord knows I'm feeling like I have been drowning. Just can't seem to make heads or tails of what's right and what wrong. Which path is the right path for me, and second guessing each little step I take?
Going thru the proverbial desert is hard and it's a dry time...I ache for the quenching rain to come and refresh my spirit and soul.
My mind is my enemy as it seems right now and I want so much to trust my instincts but they have lead me astray too many times to count. I am trying to lean not to my own understanding but HIS, and find the path He desires me to go.
If you know me, you know I am strong willed, a fighter, a lover, a hugger, complimenter, a friend to all, a flirt, anxious, shy in new situations, outgoing and funny when I am feeling on top of the world, and so much more...
"To KNOW me is to love me" as I used to say but what about the people I have hurt by leaving them or pushing them away?? Do they still love me as I think the "should" or has the aching hurt of their heart turned them cold against me??
I don't think I have ever hated anyone except one man who hurt my family...I cant imagine people holding hatred against me but at a time such a this I fear that I have caused immeasurable pain to others cause them to grieve for the Love they once had and the amazing love they had felt from me.
I have heard I push the best people away from me and single myself out to be alone. that's I fear people getting too close to my heart, where I am fragile and vulnerable....can it be so? That my own fear of rejection and abandonment actually perpetuate into that exact circumstance??
I have been feeling like my life is not my own and that everyone is running my life for me from work to home to the kids...like there is no ME, just the mother, daughter, girlfriend, assistant and sister. My identity was wrapped up in other people so much I had none of my own... this is where the break came....
Slowly I saw myself pulling away and pushing others away from me...taking time to hide from the responsibility of my life and becoming a person I no longer knew. That's the scary part, not knowing your own self and the reflection you see is no longer yours.....
When you look at my pictures you see a smiling, happy, charismatic woman who looks as is life has left her unscathed, but in reality it is my fragility and vulnerability that I hide with my great acting ability. I can be whoever you want me to be... You just don't know.
I can be in a room full of people and feel absolutely alone. So my dear "Friends" I share my story with you. A young mother who loves her children, loves her family, loves her job and the special people in her life but who continues to push them all away.
Overwhelming urges to be alone and "hide" overtake me and cause me to seek solitude. Children don't understand why mommy is gone so long or comes home late from work but it's that time alone that makes me feel almost at ease with myself. This time alone I require makes me feel like a bad mother, daughter, and girlfriend and hurts my heart that I want to be alone.
I have dear friends who share scripture and words with me to encourage me and I am so thankful for the loving persistence to keep my head above the sinking sand.....
Encourage me, love me, pray for me and keep the faith all will be restored to better than it once was as this dry, desert season will last only a while and the pouring rain will come and fill my soul up to the brim and overflow until I can contain it no more.
The weeping endures for a night but JOY comes in the morning!!
I believe that....
Now for the lyrics that sparked this deep intimate blog... (I can't believe it's from a HM2 but God works in mysterious ways to free us from our bondage)
Bet on It~
Everybody's always talking at me.
Everybody's trying' to get in my head.
I wanna listen to my own heart talking'.
I need to count of myself instead.
Did you ever...
Lose yourself to get what you want?
Did you ever...
Get on a ride and wanna get off?
Did you ever...
Push away the ones you should have held close?
Did you ever let go?
Did you ever not know?
I'm not gonna stop that's who I am.
I give it all I got that is my plan.
Will I find what I lost
you know you can.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
(Bet On Me)
I'm gonna make it right.
That is the way.
To turn my life around.
Today is the day.
And I'm the type of girl who means what I say.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
How will I know if there's a path worth taking?
Should I question every move I make?
Of all lost's my heart is breaking.
I don't wanna make the same mistakes.
Did you ever...
Doubt your dream will never come true?
Did you ever...
Blame the world that never blamed you?
I won't ever...
Try to live a lie again.
I don't wanna win this game if I can't play it my way.
I'm not gonna stop that's who I am.
I give it all I got that is my plan.
Will I find what I lost
you know you can.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
(Bet On Me)
I'm gonna make it right.
That is the way.
To turn my life around.
Today is the day.
Am I the type of girl who means what I say?
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Bet on it.
Hold-Hold up
I also think I have a Heart that will never be tamed, but as my headline quote reads...."Love makes the wildest spirit tame, and the tamest spirits wild"
Perhaps I am wrong, and I CAN be tamed, or at least dont bite the hands of those who "feed" me (spiritually)