ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass and Lap Band® Forum - View Single Post

Zenomia · 08-03-2007, 11:58 AM

I was going to post this under Lisa's link, because it's an off shoot of what she is dealing with, but I didn't want to Hijack her line. Lisa...would love to hear your thoughts on this...

How do you deal with the FEAR? See, I recently realized I was over confident, strong, and capable when I was fat. I let myself believe that being big meant no one could hurt me, nothing could touch me, I was STRONG. Yes, I know this false, totally aware, but it gave me the bravado I needed to deal with just about anything without fear. There was never a challenge set before that I couldn't deal with. I faced my fears and spit on them. I was STRONG!!!

Since I have lost the weight....I feel small, weak, vulnerable! I feel like a victim waiting to happen. It's stupid, I am not any different a person, nothing has changed, I am still determined and want to face the world with a 'don't give a shit' attitude....but now I am AFRAID. People bigger than me, make me nervous. The motorcycle which is much bigger than me terrifies me. Being alone at night is freaking me out. I am dragging my kids with me everywhere because I don't want to be left alone. I know in my head how stupid and non-sensible it all is...but I can't get over it. I get a little panicked whenever a stranger comes to the door... I have NEVER reacted like this before.

Have I been sabotaging myself for years and years so that I could hide behind my fat protection? Have I spent years of false bravado bolstering my courage with how many pounds I had? Or have I just now realized all that bravado was false and now I am left feeling vulnerable?

I need to face this, I need to get back on the bike and master it. I know these things, but I can't stop the damn fear from leaking in and screwing with my head. It's like the SANE side of me knows what I am doing, but the other side, it's just freaking out at the dumbest things.

I would tell anyone else in my spot to get some therapy...but I know exactly what the problem is, what it stems from, and where it will continue to go. What I can't figure out is, how to FIX IT. I have training out the wazoo....what I don't have is a tool to fix this. I don't know what to do with it. I could probably advise someone else, but that same advise isn't working for me.

This is something I didn't expect or plan for when I studied about the surgery. I didn't expect to react like this. I have always been strong, capable and fearless. Spineless coward is not exactly a way I wish to describe myself, yet here I am. How do you fix this?