lds98m

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and your stories. I didnt realize how hard but liberating this is. I hope everyone dosent mind but it feels good to finally get this off my chest.

I was so lonely. I had turned to the internet for friendship and I had met several people. One guy was helping me alot by just allowing me to vent to him. He was truly a friend only. By the time I filed he had declared he loved me and I felt the same for him. We had not even met! After I filed I decided I would go meet him. In July of 99 my children told me daddy had a girlfriend. I flew down and spent 9 days with this guy. We were 2 peas in a pod. We liked all the same things. He was compassionate, thoughtful and kind. Everything I needed and craved. When I left I realized I wanted and needed to be with him. He is younger then me. By Oct 99 he was moving to be with me and the kids. With everything going on in my life I barely noticed all the weight I was losing. I was down about 90 pounds I think. I had just hit my 1 year since surgery. I was finally feeling a little normal and feeling loved again.

My ex was dragging me through the ringer during this time and in and out of the court. He was trying to get custody of the kids. I thought there is no way the courts would take custody from a stay at home mom who lived for her children. We had to sell our home and both of our attorneys put a lien on the home and took every penny from both of us to pay legal fees which was about $50,000. I moved into a apt. With the 2 minimum wage jobs I had and child support I was barely making it. My ex was dating his attorneys paralegal. Wasent that a conflict of interest or something? By Nov 99 he had convinced the court I was a unfit parent and the court awarded custody of my son to my ex and I had custody of our daughter. I stood there in shock disbeleaving what I was hearing. I was good enough to have custody of 1 child but not the other? Where was the logic in that? I lost the child support for my son. He was trying to destroy me and it was working! In Dec of 99 my divorce was final. My new relationship was going bad and I couldnt make enough to support my daughter. The kicker was I didnt even get alamony! 20 years of marriage, no job skills and I didnt deserve alamoney? Then who did? I was going to lose my apt because I couldnt afford the rent, bills, food ect. My new boyfriend moved back home. Now I was really in trouble.

I decided to make a decision no mother should ever be forced to make. I had to get on my feet. Do I drag my child down with me to live in a shelter or do I allow her to live with her dad where she her life would change very little. I decided to give him custody of our daughter and get back on my feet. I was going to move to be with my mom. The day before I left with all of my children gone, no money and me moving away it felt like my life was over. I sat in my apt- alone- in the dark- knowing I was leaving my children and all I could think about was dying! I wanted to die! There was nothing to live for. I had cried gallons of tears until I could cry no more. I felt like a failure and I was. I sat in the dark holding a bottle of pills I thought would do the job. I opened the bottle up and poured them in my hand. I cried some more. What was this going to do to my kids? I didnt want to feel any pain any more. I saw their faces in my thoughts again and again. Please god make this pain go away! I cant handle this any more! PLEASE PLEASE make it stop!

(the tears are really flowing now and I cant even see the keys on the keyboard!)

Its still so raw! It feels like it was yesterday. The more I saw their sweet faces in my thoughts the more I realized I couldnt do this to them. Taking my life would hurt them even more. My children saved my life that day and they didnt even know it. The more I thought about my ex and what he had done to me and the position he had me in the more pissed I got. I gained enough strength and became angry enough that I thought there is no way Im going to allow him to destroy me. Im stronger then that! I can do this! Get a grip Lisa! My hatered for my ex and my love for my children helped me get through that possible fateful night. Screw him! He will see. I will get back on my feet and show him. Now I was feeling empowered. I am woman! I had began my long journey back from hell! I was down to 130 pounds. Still getting sick every day, feeling and looking sickley but I felt it was going to get better! It could only get better. There was no where to go but up from here- so I thought.
to be continued....................