lds98m

This is difficult for me to put down in words my journey for the past 9 years. No one knows this story completly not even my kids. I have never spoken out loud about this before and I hope if my kids ever read this they try to understand the extent of everything I went through and every choice I made I thought I was making the best possible choice for them and that I always have and always will love them with every ounce of my being.

At the time of my surgery in August of 98 I had been married to the same guy for amost 19 years. We have 3 beautiful children. My oldest son was 18, my middle son was 13 and my daughter was 7. I had what I thought was a comfortable marriage. We had our issues and I tolerated a lot of behaviors I didnt like because I loved him and I thought because I was so fat no one else would ever love me. I had accepted my fate that was my life. I was increasingly lonely and I would eat to fill the emptyness I felt inside.

My husband was supportive of the surgery before and after the surgery. I remember Dr Callery telling me one time a lot of marriages dont survive this surgery but your husband is so supportive there is no way this surgery will break up your marriage.

After I got out of the hospital and went home I tried to lay down on our waterbed and I couldnt get back up. It felt like I was ripping every staple right out and I was going to pop open and all of my guts were going to spill out onto the floor. I was so scared. With a extreame amount of pain, screaming, tears and every four letter word I could think of I got out of that bed not to return to it almost 2 months. I had to have a hospital bed delivered to the house to sleep in. We put it in the great room right in the middle of the house. This is where I slept.
I remember about day 10 post-op I was still on broth but I felt I was starving to death. I went to take a shower. The next thing I remember was waking up on the shower floor with the water turned off and my husband on the phone with Dr Callery standing over me. I had passed out. He thought I was dying or had died and he was scared to death. Dr C said he wanted me to start drinking protien shakes. It tasted like Filet mignon! I was finally getting nutrition! God it was wonderful.
Dr C said I would be able to get back to work in 6 weeks. I was flat on my back for 6 weeks barely able to get even to the bathroom let alone work!
I felt I was cut from my chin to my bikini line which I felt was about 3 feet long even though it wasent that long. I had to clean out my old stomach of the juices every day which was a funky nasty green color and it really stunk. God what was this smelly crap coming from my body and how do I make it stop!

(I am crying now putting this all down in words. this is harder then I thought.)

Little did I know I was in for much worse mentally and physically in the weeks and months to come.

My hair started to fall out. I dont mean just a little it was falling out in clumps. When I took a bath the drain would be covered and I would just sit in a empty tub cold and wet crying my eyes out over my beautiful hair laying in the tub. It was more then I could bare. I was so depressed i was going bald. Dr C tried to reassure me that no one had ever gone completely bald and that it would grow back. I didnt care about everyone else! All I knew is I was going bald and I was devistated!

I think about around 2 weeks I went to get my staples out. Dr C did it. He told me it wouldnt hurt and that I would only feel a pinch. Every single staple removed brought out new four letter words, tears and blood! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.

I think I scared Dr C. It felt like he was ripping open this gaping hole in my body. I really hated him at that moment and I let him know it. (Dr C im sorry now for everyting I said to you that day.)

(Im crying again! Shit this is so hard and Im just getting started)
Im gonna take a short break I will continue later...........